Boundaries

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One of this week's hellomynameisblog.com blog posts reinforced a chapter I had been reading in Coach Yourself to Success by Talane Miedaner.

If you don’t set boundaries for yourself – other people will set them for you.

And then they will violate them.
And then they will tell all their little friends to violate them.
And it will be your fault because you never decided where to draw the line.

- Scott Ginsberg (the Nametag Guy), from What My Stalker Taught Me

While I'd be careful not to relieve boundary crossers of all responsibility for their actions, an ounce of prevention is often worth a pound of cure. Especially if you can avoid a restraining order. Talane gives some good advice on the subject:

Boundaries work equally well at home. A client's boyfriend had a hot temper and he would get angry and yell at her on occasion. She thought this was normal and something that had to be tolerated. I asked her to expand her boundary. It was not okay for him to yell at her for any reason. She explained to him that she loved him and would never intentionally hurt him in any way. The only reason he should be angry with her is she intentionally tried to hurt him. So if she was ten minutes late for a date, he could let her know it bothered him without yelling. At first he was still used to his old ways and so of course he started to yell when he was upset with her. She calmly informed him that he was yelling at her and asked him how much longer he needed to be angry. Five minutes? Thirty minutes? She'd be back when he calmed down. He realized how silly it was and started to laugh.

Boundaries are simply the things people can't do to you, lines that will protect you and allow you to be your best. Here is how to stop this behavior in a graceful and effective manner.

1) Inform. "Do you realize you are yelling?" or "Do you realize that comment hurt me?" If they continue with the unwanted behavior, go to step 2, but only after trying step 1.

2) Request. Ask them to stop. "I ask that you stop yelling at me now," or, "I ask that you only give me constructive feedback." If they still don't get it, try step 3.

3) Demand or insist. "I insist that you stop yelling at me now." No luck? Move on to step 4.

4) Leave (without any snappy comebacks or remarks). "I can't continue this conversation while you are yelling at me. I am going to leave the room."

The key to success with these four steps is to say them in a neutral tone of voice. Remember, you're informing the other person. Think of going through the four steps in the same way you'd say, "The sky is blue."

We assume that enforcing a boundary will make people dislike us or think we are pushy or aggressive or perhaps demanding. However, it is the exact opposite. When you have strong boundaries in place, people will stop treating you like a doormat and start respecting you. You'll be the kind of person people naturally respect and treat courteously.

It's tough to put up boundaries, when you're scared it will only separate you from what (or who) you want to stay close to. But having your dignity, intelligence, or sanity assaulted by someone who isn't interested in or capable of handling you with care will diminish you to a breaking point. It's a worthwhile risk to set and enforce boundaries that might actually help you grow and stay together instead. Of course women aren't the only ones who need to set boundaries, just ask Scott Ginsberg!

The people who really love you will respect your boundaries.

vulnerable is good for you

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I'm thinking I need to catch up on TedTalks...

A summary of some of the good stuff from this talk by Dr. Brene Brown - http://anonymous8.com/women-talk/why-being-vulnerable-is-good-for-you/

The only difference between those who have a strong sense of love and belonging and those who don’t is this: those who have a strong sense of love and belonging BELIEVE they are WORTHY of love and belonging.

1. Have the courage to be imperfect.

2. Have the compassion to be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others.

3. Be authentic, let go of who you think you should be to be who you are. You can't have connection without authenticity.

4. Embrace vulnerability. What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. Vulnerability isn't necessarily comfortable or excruciating, it's simply necessary. It's the willingness to say I love you first, to act without guarantees, to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

And what do the whole-hearted say? Instead of saying, “I am not thin enough, or I am not tall enough, or I am not pretty enough, or I am not interesting enough, or I am not rich enough,” they say, “I am enough.”

Vulnerability is captivating and reverence-inducing for me, in a way. It's like an instant "Handle with Care" label that signifies something extremely valuable might be in that box, and I can't help wanting to follow the label's instructions, and see what rare or beautiful thing is inside...

four phrases

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Four phrases blogger Tara Pringle Jefferson suggests incorporating into your relationship, from blackandmarriedwithkids.com


“Can I help you with anything?” I would love, love, love to hear this phrase at least once a day. Is it unrealistic? I have no clue. But there’s something about your spouse offering their help without you having to ask for it. Of course, this works best when it’s a two-way street, so if I want my husband to leap to my assistance, I better not disappear when he’s knee-deep in yardwork.

“You really look beautiful/handsome/sexy/hot today.” Sometimes we get so caught up in the day-to-day minutiae that the chance to just look at our partner and marvel at how sexy they still are after all these years (or months). Especially if you don’t have much time together during the day and your evenings are spent wrestling kids into the bed and passing out promptly afterward. Give your partner an unexpected compliment every other day and I bet you things will only get better.

“What would I do without you?” I usually ask my husband this question at least once a week, after he’s swooped in and fixed whatever problem I was trying to solve. He might not jump for joy every time I say it, but by continually expressing how much I value his place in my life, we strengthen our bond.

“What can I do to make this better?” My husband asked me this after an argument we had a while ago. Not only did it make it easier to accept his apology (and really, it wasn’t a big deal to begin with), but we both had a sense of how we were going to move forward, which is crucial when dealing with matters of the heart.

I like you because...

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I think we could all use more conversations like these... from Stephen Covey's Living the 7 Habits:


My oldest daughter, Tina, who was about nine at the time, and I were driving to see her grandmother. I remember thinking that with Tina, building an Emotional Bank Account was a key. So I thought, "What can I do in the thirty minutes we have together to make deposits in her bank account?" You know, this took a bit of courage. By the age of nine, a child pretty much has a good idea of the kind of behavior to expect from each parent. I'm not much of a chatterer when we travel. I might comment on the scenery every now and again, but mostly I drive in silence. So I was a bit nervous suggesting the game I came up with.

As we backed out of the driveway, I said, "Honey, why don't we play a game. What we want to do is say 'I feel good about you because...' or 'I liked what you did because...' The 'because' is important because then we know why the other person likes us. Okay? I'll start."

So I started off. I said something about her. Then she paused and said something about me. After about three or four things, I really had to start thinking. This was quite shocking to me. I love my child so much, but I was having difficulty thinking of specific actions that I loved about her. I was really searching for things to say. Tina found it easier. After about five or six, she started to break through the normal responses. I could tell she was looking at my life, and seeing me and what I did. She was grateful for the work I did, the walks to the park, the basketball in the driveway, the way I woke her up in the mornings. She could see all of me.

I was still struggling. Then, as I looked at this little girl's life, really looked at her and what she did every day in our family, I started to see. I saw her hugs, her little words, her thank-yous. I saw how well she was doing at school and how polite she was. I told her I loved it when she came home from school and gave me a big hug. When we started digging and looking, we couldn't stop. This was only a thirty-minute trip. We got to twenty-two, twenty-three items and then I had to call it off. I couldn't think of anything else.

Frankly, I was stunned by the game. I felt good on one hand but discouraged on the other. Good that Tina could see so much (she wanted to carry on), discouraged that I couldn't find more. More importantly, the rest of the trip we spent chattering to each other. I think the game started a dialogue that I hadn't had with her before.

When we arrived, Tina jumped out of the car and raced into the house, and that's when my heart almost broke. "Grandma, Grandma," she shouted. "My daddy knows so many good things about me. I didn't know he knew so many good things about me."

The word "respect" comes from the Latin root specto, which means to see -- to see another (Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood). The more we are self-absorbed, the less we see others as precious individuals with many layers of individuality, and with many facets to each layer. When we get out of ourselves, and truly listen to another, a marvelous journey of discovery begins.

Be Positive

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More from You Say More Than You Think by Janine Driver:

It doesn't matter if you are speaking with a barricaded person, and interviewee, or a date, remember that the person in front of you has pride. Rather than being negative and saying, "Don't lie to me," suggest the quality you want to see. As my friend James Cavanaugh, ATF Special Agent in Charge always says, "Credit people with the quality you want them to produce and normally they'll accept it, even feel bound to it."

Who are you more likely to be receptive to - someone who recognizes your positive characteristics or belittles you by detailing each flaw?

For instance, this morning my son was playing with an elaborate pop-up book while I was on the phone with one of my sisters. At first I said, “Angus, please put the book back, I’ll read it to you when I get off the phone.” He ignored me and continued to play with the book. Then I tried QWQ [Question, Wait, Question]: “Angus, you’re a good listener, right?”

He smiled and said, “Yes.”

“Do you think you’re the best listener in the whole world?” I asked.
He laughed and responded, “YES!”

Then I added, “I know you’re the best listener in the whole world; that’s one of the things I many things I love about you. When I ask you to do something, you do it faster than any other kid I know.” He smiled. Then I said, “Angus, please put your book back and I’ll play with you when I’m done.” And he put the book back and began playing with a toy dinosaur instead.

the right side

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From You Say More Than You Think by Janine Driver:

Every person has an on/off switch for rapport, a "right" or more open side of her body. Knowing which side of a person's body is more comfortable for her, and which side makes her uneasy, can make for really effective body language... Once you know a person’s right [positive/good] side, you can use it in many powerful ways.

Less than a month later, one of the mothers from the event sent me an e-mail. Her relationship with her husband (physically and emotionally) had gone downhill since their early courtship, so after the class, she had decided to try out my rule with him. She changed the sheets and had them sleep on opposite sides of the bed. He was intrigued. (And by “intrigued,” I’ll refer you to the previous chapter, “Work Your Naughty Bits.”)
This change may not sound revolutionary. But consider that she discovered that she prefers people on her right side, and her husband had been sleeping on her left side for years. Literally overnight, they reconnected with each other, got a major boost in the bedroom, and had an improved relationship with the rest of their family, too.

fight with your fists...

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From an article in Real Simple magazine titled 10 Things My Father Was Right About by Jancee Dunn:


1. Hold hands while you hash it out. My folks have been married for 47 years. One of my father’s rules for a happy marriage is that if a nasty argument erupts, hold hands as you fight. You’ll feel goofy doing this, but here’s the thing: It works. Recently my husband, Tom, forgot to pay a few bills that were buried under a pile of clutter. I was incandescent with rage. So we interlaced our fingers while we talked it out, and I felt my blood pressure plummet and my endorphins flow in spite of myself. It’s impossible to scream at someone who is giving your hand a gentle squeeze. It just is.


And a few others I liked =)


2. Pay attention to anyone who wears a tool belt... My father is practical, thrifty (or, put more accurately, cheap), and savvy about home improvements. He calls a repairman only as a last resort—and when he does, he hovers around the guy and asks tons of questions. “Carefully observe anyone with a skill that you don’t have,” my father often said, “and then you can take care of the fill-in-the-blank yourself.” He was right: After shadowing a handyman for an hour, I later fixed my own dishwasher, to the perpetual amazement of friends who call their super to change a lightbulb.

3. ...Or a uniform. It has always annoyed my dad that a waiter gets a 20 percent tip for serving a crème brûlée, while a hotel maid who disposes of used dental floss often winds up with bubkes. My father routinely told our sanitation men and the crew who cleaned his office that they were doing a good job and made sure to compensate them at holidays. As a child, I used to writhe with embarrassment when he did this. Now I do the same for the sanitation workers in my neighborhood. One guy once told me, with a catch in his voice, that in 10 years, it was the first time he had ever been thanked.

9. No one’s smarter than you. Long ago, if I was in a group and the conversation strayed to an unfamiliar topic, I’d keep silent. Dad urged me to say, “I don’t understand. Can you explain what you’re talking about?” Asking questions makes you sound smart, he said, and confident to boot. At a recent gathering, somebody mentioned the Mauritius Continental Shelf. Silence. Then I asked, “What’s that?” And all the former Ivy Leaguers around me exhaled and admitted they didn’t know what the hell it was, either.


View the entire article at
http://www.realsimple.com/magazine-more/inside-magazine/life-lessons/things-my-father-was-right-about-00000000035158/index.html

a pearl of choice

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From Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs:

Think of a speck of sand. If the sand gets in the human eye, it causes irritation, then infection, and if not cared for, eventually loss of vision. But put that same speck of sand in an oyster. It causes irritation, then secretion, and eventually the oyster forms a pearl. Was the sand the primary cause of the results in the eye? Was the sand the primary cause of the results in the oyster? No. If it were, the results would be the same. The sand was an agent that revealed the inner properties of the eye and of the oyster. In a real sense, when life with your spouse causes irritation, you can let it develop into an infection or you can allow it to become a pearl...

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you. You can experience disappointment, but it is your choice to disrespect or be unloving...

I CAN EXPERIENCE HURT, but it is my choice to hate.

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And from Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas:

If we view the marriage relationship as an opportunity to excel in love, it doesn't matter how difficult the person is who we are called to love; it doesn't matter even whether than love is ever returned. We can still excel at love. We can still say, "like it or not, I'm going to love you like nobody ever has."

the respect test

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From Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs:

I asked a group of wives to spend a bit of time thinking of some things they respected about their husbands. It took some of them quite awhile, but they all finally did it. Then I told them to go home, wait until their husbands weren't busy or distracted, and say: "I was thinking about you today and several things about you that I respect, and I just want you to know that I respect you."

After saying this, they were to not wait for any response- just mention something they needed to do and quietly start to leave the room. Then they were to see what would happen. One woman reported back to me that after telling her husband she respected him, she turned to leave but she never even made it to the door. He practically screamed, "Wait! Come back. What things?"

Fortunately (and this is very important), she was ready to tell him what she respected about him and she proceeded to do so. After she was finished, he said, "Wow! Hey, can I take the family out to dinner?"

The wife was aghast. Her husband had seldom if ever taken the family out to dinner. What was going on here? I explained to her that a man's first and fundamental impulse is to serve, especially in response to being honored. She had honored him, and he wanted to do something about it. The wife had to ask for a rain check because the kids had committments that evening, and he agreed. About fifteen minutes later, however, she heard pots and pans banging in the kitchen. She went to look and found her husband fixing dinner. Her husband had never fixed dinner. Never - this was a first! Again, he was serving.

A few days later, this wife wrote to us again and said."You won't believe it. He's in the laundry room! Do you have any other 'respect tests'? I think I might get a cruise out of this."

Could a wife use the Respect Test to manipulate her husband to take her on a cruise? That's possible, but this wife was not guilty of manipulation. She sincerely tried expressing respect for her husband, and it worked far beyond her expectations. To repeat what I said earlier, a husband who has basic goodwill will serve his wife when she respects him for who he is.


"As women, we have the power to build up or tear down our husbands every day, merely by the respect we give and the amount of faith we let him know we have in him. Respect and admiration are two of the most powerful tools a woman has to influence her husband." - http://devotions.proverbs31.org/2010/02/love-respect-and-admiration.html

=)

lights out

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Great analogy from Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs:

Think of this difference as two types of electrical circuits. On one circuit there are three thousand lights, and the circuit is so designed that if one light gets smashed the whole string goes out. On the other circuit there are three thousand lights, and it is designed so that if you smash two thousand of these lights, the other thousand will still work.

At the level of intimacy, the wife is like the first circuit. If a serious marital conflict exists, this affects her whole being. All of her "lights" go out, and she shuts down totally. This is because she is an integrated personality. Her mind, body, and soul are connected and her entire system reacts to feelings of hurt. Let her husband make one small, unkind remark that feels unloving to her and she is totally upset with him until things are repaired... When she believes there is a problem, when she feels hurt, lonely, or neglected, she definitely has no interest in responding to you sexually. When her spirit is crushed, her body is unavailable.

The wife may complain that her husband seems to be able to operate as if there is no problem between them when she clearly is still upset and feeling crushed. He goes to work, and when he returns home, he cannot believe she is fully charged to talk about and earlier tension. Usually he has to be reminded of what exactly happened because he has forgotten. For her, the whole day has been interwoven with the spat that they had at breakfast. She has replayed and rehearsed the episode a dozen times... Why is he not upset the way she is upset? Remember the two electrical circuits? Her husband is the one where you can smash two thousand of his lights and the other thousand will still work. That is what is meant by "compartmentalizing" his problems.


There's clearly some generalizations here, but I know that first circuit is one I've definitely operated under. Many girls and guys replay their significant other's words and actions over and over when they were first dating, it's just that a lot more positive things tend to be purposely said and done during those rose-colored days. Finding ways to constructively address the less rosy bits is the tough part.


Remember too, that wives love to talk to release their emotions. Because a woman is an integrated personality, she is like a teakettle - she collects all the things that have happened to her over the day, and there is a buildup. She needs to release some of those feelings... Women also need to talk to realize their feelings. As they begin to talk about what happened through the day, they can work back to the problem that they can't seem to put their finger on. As she talks to you, it clarifies things for her; then she feels better and she feels understood.

inspiration

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As seen on Facebook:

just when you think its a typical freezing monday morning, someone wonderful shows up at the door, with breakfast, and makes your coffee, and brushes off your car, and starts it....lets out your puppy.... and totally makes your monday morning wonderful... :)


Just thought I'd share some inspiration for anyone looking to make their significant other's day =)

more gift ideas

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for my original list check out my first gift ideas blog post =)

some free online gift ideas -
http://www.ehow.com/how_4723720_give-free-online-gifts.html

from lovingyou.com


A Coloring Book For Your Love
For an anniversary present, I made my boyfriend a coloring and activity book. I made up a story and drew all the pictures (plain computer paper is fine) and outlined them with pen. I bound it all together with a cover and gave him some crayons to go with it. He loves it so much he refuses to color in it for fear of messing it up.
--submitted by Kitty

A Fairy Tale Story
My boyfriend and I are always telling each other stories, just to pass the time. This year for Christmas I decided to write out the story of how we met in a fairy-tale format, complete with cute pictures of the Kim Anderson children to illustrate it. All my girlfriends loved the idea, and hopefully he likes it as much, too!
--submitted by Anonymous

A Happy Book
I decided that I wanted to do something really special--and cost effective--to get his spirits up and still celebrate us, so I made him a "happy book." I went to a bookstore and got a really nice leather-bound, unlined journal and a felt tip pen. I then sat at my computer and researched hundreds of motivational, inspirational, and loving quotes that made me think of him. I picked my favorite 60 (1 for each month we had been together) and wrote them down on a separate page in the book. On the next page I inserted a picture and wrote a story about how or why that quote made me think of him. I want him to know that he's accomplished so much in his life, and he just needs to keep going...
--submitted by Dani

A Keepsake of Our Song
As Valentine’s Day got closer I still wanted to surprise him so I got six balloons and placed a note in each one. Each note told him where to go to pop the next balloon. By the time he got to the bedroom I was standing there with the song that we danced to at our wedding playing, and a bottle in my hand. In the bottle were the lyrics to our song printed on old-looking paper. He loved it!
--submitted by Michele

A Message In A Bottle
I got a clear plastic soda bottle, and took all the wrapping off it. I typed up a note to her and printed it on some paper that looked like a scroll. I rolled it up nice and tight and tied it in a bow. I put the note in the bottle, and screwed the top on. I taped her address to the outside of the bottle, and it only cost me .55 cents in the US mail! She absolutely loved it! Trust me, it will be one of the best inexpensive surprises ever!
--submitted by John

A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words
My girlfriend and I were at different colleges, so I didn't get to see her except on holidays. So, for our anniversary, I wrote her a note. At the top I put, "Some people say a picture is worth a thousand words. I can't take a picture with you... so guess what?" Under that, I wrote out how much I loved her and missed her using exactly a thousand words. I put the note in a picture frame and sent it to her in the mail. She loved it!
--submitted by Untouchable

A loving book
I will go shopping at a book store in the children's section. I will pick out a book with a loving title, like one time I bought him, "I love you this much" When he reads through it he knows how much I love him. It's a great gift to keep for a long time too.
--submitted by Pam

Build Your Own Lamp
She loves the movie Monsters Inc..So I bought a talking stuffed figure of the character from the movie and a do-it-yourself lamp kit. I cut a little hole in the back of the stuffed animal, slid a metal stand rod and wires under its back, with the light and lampshade just above his head. I pulled it low and glued his hand to it, so it looked like he was looking out from underneath the lamp shade, like a scene from the movie. I left it at her work, with him holding balloons and a card I made. Next to it was a box of her favorite cookies that she can never find at any of our stores (I called some stores in nearby cities and found them). She was so surprised that she started crying, and to this day the girls at her work still remember me as the guy who made the cutest lamp for his girlfriend.
--submitted by Kenny

Choose Your Own Adventure
This would be a great gift idea for those 20-something year olds that grew up with the books Choose Your Own Adventure and want to make a creative love journal. Basically, the books gave you choices and depending on your choices you would flip to different pages. They were especially fun to read because you could reread the books and change your fate every time depending on what you chose to do.
--submitted by Anonoymous

100 Reasons Why I Love You
We chat on the phone a lot, but that gets expensive for a broke, college girl, so we also chat on the computer. One day, he asked me if I was sure that I loved him and I told him of course. He asked me why, and I told him there were at least 100 reasons. When he asked me to name 5, I told him to give me a minute, I had to do something. In the buddy info of my chat program, I listed 10 reasons why I love him, for him and everyone else I know to see. I told him to check, and he called me up as soon as he read it gushing about how much he loved me. A week later, I put up 10 more, and the same thing the week after that. Once he caught on that there was a new set of 10 every week, he started doing the same thing. It lasted for 10 weeks. We had so much fun doing it, we just kept it up. It's a great little reminder to have sometimes, just to let you know that you're thought of.
--submitted by Melissa

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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RESPECT. Unconditional respect. Whether the person is loving or not, whether they are the first to admit wrong or not.

It's one of the most powerful tools a woman can own.

From Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs:

I have been in counseling sessions with couples, and with her mate sitting there listening the wife will readily say, "I love my husband but don't feel any respect for him." But when I turn this around and ask the wives how they would feel if they would hear their husbands say, "I respect you but don't love you," they are horrified. They exclaim, "I would be devastated!"

I asked one wife, "How long would it take you to get over that?" She quickly answered, "Forever."

The typical wife would be up in arms if she heard, "I respect you but don't love you." That is taboo! She would view her husband as a very unloving human being. Yet this same wife feels she can readily say to him, "I love you but don't respect you." What she doesn't understand is that her husband is equally devastated by her comment and it also takes him "forever" to "get over it." The bottom line is that husbands and wives have needs that are truly equal. She needs unconditional love, and he needs unconditional respect.


Stay tuned for more pearls of wisdom from Love & Respect =)

nice nite in june

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I can't seem to find the original source for this poem titled Nice Nite in June, but it was an amusing and sad-but-true snapshot of modern relationships.


Nice nite in June,
Stars shine, big moon.
In park, on bench,
With gal, in clinch.
Me say me love,
She coo like dove.
Me smart, me fast,
Never let chance pass.
"Get hitched," me say.
She say, "Okay."
Wedding bells, ring, ring,
Honeymoon, everything.
Happy man, happy wife,
Best time in life!
'Nother nite in June,
Stars shine, big moon.
Ain't happy no more,
Carry baby, walk floor.
Wife fuss and scream,
Me yell, get mean.
Wife sad, me mad,
Everything go bad.
Nagging wife, bawling brat,
Life one big spat.
Me realize at last,
Me just too fast!


Dr. John Van Epp read the poem in a video I saw of one of his seminars on How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (or Jerkette) - check out excerpts from his book at http://nojerks.com/index.php?page=Excerpts.

"Don't spend months preparing for a wedding that will last an hour, and neglect to prepare for a marriage that is to last a lifetime."

the one

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from Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage: Unlocking the Secrets to Life, Love, and Marriage by Mark Gungor:

The idea that there is just one special person for me - my soul mate - comes from an alleged altercation between the human race and the Greek god Zeus. It was thought that our undying pursuit of perfect love is the result of Zeus's scheme to keep us busy - far away from meddling in the domain of the gods. Those of us in Evangelical circles have even taken this to a whole new level by encouraging parents to start praying for that "one special person" that God has chosen for our child while he or she is still young. Rather than praying that our children embrace righteousness, justice, wisdom, sacrifice, goodness, et cetera - all things that would make them wonderful mates to whomever they chose to commit their lives to - we are praying for that "special one" that God has already chosen for our child. Zeus be praised, I guess.

The Bible never tells us to find the one God has chosen. It teaches us how to live well with the person we have chosen. And there is a distance of infinitude between those two thoughts. The first assumes that life, love, romance, and marriage are part of God's divine plan and, therefore, depend more on God than on us. The second, and more biblical, line of thought tells us that successful life, love, romance, and marriage are the result of a couple living by God's principles - principles that never fail. But this version, which places true love and marriage on the footing of human choice and responsibility, just isn't nearly as romantic or seductive. The truth is, a successful marriage is not the result of marrying the "right" person, feeling the "right" emotions, thinking the "right" thoughts, or even praying the "right" prayers. It's about doing the "right" things - period.

I generally agreed with Grugor, although there's a verse in Proverbs that might make one question the extremity of his opinion -

House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the Lord. Prov 19:14

While I don't think it proves that God of the Bible intends one special woman for one certain man, it does indicate that a prudent wife is a gift that He purposefully blesses a man with. Is the verse saying a prudent wife is an inheritance from the Lord? Or does the "but" indicate a completely opposite idea of inheritance? How exactly God or fate or the universe orchestrates the giving of that gift is beyond me, and I whole-heartedly support that it's focusing on building one's own character that will most likely attract the amazing person we hope to be gifted with.

beautiful

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From an article series in the August 2009 issue of Real Simple magazine titled: What Makes Me Feel Beautiful:

Anne Roiphe: My Late Husband’s Words

It was mid-December of 2005. I don’t know why he said it. I don’t know if a shadow had fallen across him, something appalling he saw out of the corner of his eye. I don’t know if it was just coincidence or intuition that prompted him, but about a week before my seemingly healthy 82-year-old husband suddenly died, he emerged from the kitchen ready to go to his office, his face clean-shaven, his eyes shining, smiling shyly, holding the copy of the Anthony Trollope book he was rereading, and said to me, "You have made me very happy. You know that you have made me a happy man." There I stood in my work outfit, blue jeans and a T-shirt. There I stood with my white hair and my wrinkles and the face I was born with, although now much creased by time, and I felt beautiful.

"What?" I said. I wanted him to repeat the words. "You heard me," he said and put on his coat and drew his earmuffs out of his pocket. "Say it again," I said. He said it again. "You’ve made me happy." We had been married 39 years. We had held hands waiting in hospital corridors while a desperately ill child struggled to breathe and thankfully recovered. We had made financial mistakes together. We had spent hours out in fishing boats. We had raised the children and then second-guessed our choices. We had stood shoulder to shoulder at graduations and weddings and we were well-worn, but still I had made him happy, and I was proud and flushed with the warmth of his words.

I know I looked beautiful that morning. Perhaps not to the young man holding his toddler in his arms who rode the elevator with me; perhaps not to the friend I met for lunch, a true believer in Botox; perhaps not to passersby on the street; but I knew it for a certainty. I was beautiful.

I don’t believe that inner beauty is sufficient in this cruel world. That’s the pap one tells a child. I don’t believe that positive thinking improves your skin tone or that loving or being loved changes the shape of your nose or restores the thickness and color of hair, but I do know that there is a way of being beautiful, even as age takes its toll, that has something to do with the spirit filling with joy, something to do with the union with another human being, with the sense of having done well at something enormously important, like making happy a man who has made you happy often enough.

Ten days after that morning conversation, my husband and I returned from a concert and dinner with friends and walked down our windy block toward our apartment house when suddenly he stumbled and fell and died within minutes. As I waited for the ambulance, I remembered his words, a beauty potion I would take with me into the rest of my life.

excel in love

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Significance is found in giving your life away, not in selfishly trying to find personal happiness.

When you're with an amazing person there's simply never enough hours in the day. While being single can sometimes feel like you're just trying to fill the time, this quote from Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas reminded me to switch that perspective around and look at my time and life as something to give away. I'm all for personal happiness as well, but if love is a great beautifier, giving and doing for others is a great happifier =)

My other favorite quote from the book was:

If we view the marriage relationship as an opportunity to excel in love, it doesn't matter how difficult the person is who we are called to love; it doesn't matter even whether than love is ever returned. We can still excel at love. We can still say, "like it or not, I'm going to love you like nobody ever has."

sacred marriage

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- For Lisa -

I smiled in surprise as I turned past the cover pages to these words of dedication, written by Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage. I just happen to share his wife's name =) While perhaps not a masterpiece of literary eloquence or charm (or even intended to be I would guess), the book is still full of thought-provoking passages and challenging ideas.

Reading Sacred Marriage confirmed for me all over again how different infatuation is from truly loving someone; infatuation is something like adoration, without a deeper conscious desire and effort to continually honor and show respect to the object of your affection. I have completely and happily adored in the past, but loving with that kind of unwavering commitment to Respect is a much harder action to take hold of and carry out. So often we think of love as something we find, or that comes to us, rather than something we actively do and work at. This passive idea of love can be debilitating when we discover ourselves or our significant other to have suddenly "fallen" out of it. We then can only think it was meant to be, that there is nothing we can do about the loss of that feeling. Infatuation is a very irresistable state and feeling to fall into, and then perhaps out of, but love can really be thought of as a choice and an effort. Thomas declared:

Romantic love has no elasticity to it. It can never be stretched; it simply shatters.

Because we get the choice and then find it difficult to carry out the love in practice, what grounds do we have to ever stop loving? Yes, this spouse might be difficult to love at times, but that's what marriage is for - to teach us how to love.

Isn't that last bit a remarkable statement? That marriage isn't just a state of being where two people are to feel mutually loved, but a tool to teach us how to love. Amazing to sit on for a minute.

Gary naturally writes as a husband relating to his wife but here's some more of his points to ponder, with some of the 'wife' references switched to 'husband' to encourage all my generous wives to be out there =)

The thought that God wants me to serve him by concentrating on making my [husband] happy was extraordinary.

I quit defending myself when I was judged too harshly - for the important thing was not to be right (or to be well thought of) but to love.

My family once went through the National Gallery of Art, looking at some original Rembrandts, and one of my very tactile children reached out to touch the painting. My wife let loose with a harsh whisper and grabbed our child's hand before it could even reach the canvas. "This is a Rembrandt!" she hissed under the guards glare. "You can't touch these!" My [husband] was created by God himself! How dare I dishonor [him]? In fact, shouldn't it give me pause before I reach out to touch [him]? [He] is the Creator's [son], after all!

Honor not expressed is not honor. The difficulty with honoring our spouse is that it calls us to adopt attitudes and actions that go far beyond merely saying that we won't dishonor him or her. Honor isn't passive, it's active. We honor our [husbands] by demonstrating our esteem and respect, complimenting them in public, affirming their gifts, abilities, and accomplishments, and declaring our appreciation for all they do.

The glib statement "Oh that's just [men] for you" betrays a serious spiritual disease. "Just [men]" are made in the image of God.

All of a sudden, a question startled me: "Does Lisa feel like she's married to Jesus?" I almost laughed out loud, until I was shaken by another thought. I am told over and over in Scripture that my duty as a Christian is to become more like Jesus Christ. Over time, my wife should start to feel like there's at least a family resemblance.

Instead of focusing your energy on resentment over how sparsely your spouse understands you, expand your efforts to understand him or her. Take time to do an inventory of your spouse's difficulties rather than your spouses shortcomings.

I never eat at somebody's house without thanking them for providing a meal; why should I not give my wife that same thanks I'd give someone else?

Have contempt for contempt... Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude.

The times that I am happiest and most fulfilled in my marriage are the times when I am intent on drawing meaning and fulfillment from becoming a better [wife] rather than from demanding a "better" [husband].

olive branch

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"I thought I was just tired," says the guy newly in touch with his feelings, "but I'm really sad, lonely, ambivalent, distant, mournful, neglected, burdened, unappreciated, mistreated, taken advantage of, etc. I have a lot of needs that are not getting met in this relationship!"

Of course his partner would respond with exasperation.

"But you wanted him to express his feelings," we would say.

"Not those feelings!" she'd exclaim in disgust. "I want to hear how much he loves me and how important I am to him and how empty and sad his life would be without me."

Here is a tough question that women need to ask themselves: Do you really want to know about his feelings or do you merely want him to validate yours and comply with your idea of connection?

Again we remind women, be careful what you ask for, because if you refuse the connection when he extends the olive branch, you will make it difficult - if not impossible - for him to give you what you're asking for. If you expect a man to be forthcoming with his feelings, you must cease all the distraction, impatience, criticism, and other forms of stomping on his heart that taught him in the past that it is not safe to go there.


Just some more words of wisdom from How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.

I found this helpful as well:

Every time you violate your core values - even if you're just reacting to your partner - you feel guilty. If you take a deep breath and try to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect, you will find yourself back to what is most important to you. You will no longer want to attack, devalue, or defend.

The capacity to stay true to your deepest values - and thereby transform most of your fear and shame - lies entirely within you. And in the end, you will judge yourself by your own efforts and behavior, not by your partner's. On your deathbed, you won't regret what he/she did or didn't do; you'll think about your fidelity to the most important things around you. When you are upset, angry, or resentful, try to focus less on what your partner is doing and ask yourself... Am I acting like the person I most want to be? Am I being the partner I want to be?
Remaining true to your core values, regardless of what your partner does, is the necessary first step in relationship improvement.

good measure, pressed down, and shaken together

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"Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”
Luke 6:36-38

Some people are definitely toxic, and require distance or other boundaries to preserve your own sanity. And putting your sanity first is key to being able to be merciful and forgiving and giving, but I've never gone wrong when I've insisted on treating people well because of who I am, not because of how they're treating me or how I want to be treated. Just a slightly different twist on the Golden Rule. Maybe I feel like I have more direct influence on how I'm remembered than how I'm treated, so it's a better use of energy to focus on the former? I've seen this principle resolve or even improve enough negative situations to be a firm believer in it. It's also not just about how you're remembered; it's about the ripple effect you want to have. Cruelty and sarcasm can only breed more of the same, and it's not really fair or beneficial when Kevin Bacon's cousin ends up the unwitting victim of your judgement or stinginess. You might actually restore someone's faith in humanity, and inspire them to do the same for others =)

I know it's tough to be generous when you're hurting, but these verses offer an amazing reward for turning our own knee-jerk critical and demeaning reactions around. With the exception of toxic/abusive relationships, it sounds like the hardest part is believing that being the first, and sometimes only partner to be merciful and understanding and affirming and giving can be in YOUR best interest. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over best interest.

A big pile of goodness, pressed down to make room for even more well-mixed goodness, with an extra bottle of goodness poured on top and spilling over... can I get double shot of that? =)

for shame

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From How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny:

"Some women have no clue how critical and demeaning they are to men. When confronted with their critical behavior, the most common reaction is disbelief. Reflecting on this fact, Pat thought it might be interesting to list 101 ways to shame a man without trying. Off the top of her head, she came up with well over 50 ways she had done so, inadvertantly or otherwise, in her own relationships..."

For an eye opener, choose true or false for the following statements (choose "true" if it applies to you at least sometimes).

1. I exclude him from important decisions.


2. I don't always give him a chance to help.


3. I correct things he says.


4. I question his judgment.


5. I give him unsolicited advice.


6. I suggest how he should feel.


7. I ignore his advice.


8. I imply that he's inadequate in certain areas.


9. I'm often stressed or in a bad mood.


10. I think that he should at least match my use of time and energy.


11. When he says I overreact, I think that he just doesn't understand.


12. I ignore his needs that I don't think are important.


13. I focus on what I don't have instead of what I have.


14. I withhold praise because I think he doesn't really deserve it or because I don't want him to get the big head.


15. I use a harsh tone to get through to him.


16. I pay more attention to other people's needs than his.


17. I undermine his wishes.


18. I am condescending to him.


19. I lack respect for his work.


20. I show little interests in his interests.


21. I criticize his family.


22. I interpret the "real meaning" of what he says and does.


23. I compare him to other men or, worse, to my girlfriends.


24. I don't take his point of view seriously.


25. I believe that he just can't see my unhappiness.


26. I think he fails to make me happy


27. If I'm unhappy, I tell him he must be unhappy, too.


28. I roll my eyes when I think of some of the things he says and does.


29. He says I give him "the look"


30. I am sometimes sarcastic to make my point or express my dissatisfaction with his behavior.


31. I use ridicule to get through to him.


32. I usually have a "better way" of doing things.


33. Sometimes I think he's a jerk.


34. I have to tell him what he's doing wrong.


35. I tell him that he never helps me enough.


36. He can't handle my feelings.


37. I believe that if his childhood or previous relationships were different we wouldn't have these problems.


38. I think that I understand relationships better than he does.


39. I think I do more than he does.


40. My friends treat me better than he does.


41. He disappoints me.

Guilty ={

"Where there is a withdrawn or silent man, there is usually a critical woman."

the love list

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"Maybe I'm not the right man for you," he said, half making a statement, half asking a question.

"Maybe you're not!" I crossed my arms, feeling defiant, but in the next second I regretted the whole ridiculous discussion. What were we talking about? I thought I had met the man of my dreams, and we were about to throw the whole thing out the window over an absurd argument. Closing my eyes, I suddenly saw a mental picture of "the list." It had been in the back of my closet for five years. What would Aubrey think of the list?

"I have an idea," I said. I left the kitchen, and several minutes later I came back with the list in my hand. I held the small sheaf of papers out to him. "Read this, and you decide if you are the right man for me." I turned on my heel and marched down the hallway to my room, as if following stage directions.

.........

"I want to know if—" I began, but I couldn't finish the sentence. Finally, I blurted out: "I want to know if I am supposed to have a true and lasting love in my life. It's okay if I'm not. It's really okay. I have so much in my life. My family. My friends. My artists. My galleries. I just want to know. I want to stop worrying about it—thinking about it all the time."

"Here is what you must do. You must go home and write down 100 qualities you would like this person with whom you will share your life to have."

I felt almost giddy. "A hundred? Wouldn't I be lucky if I got 10?"

"Oh no, my dear," she said. "You must describe the person down to the color of the socks!"

I wanted to laugh. Color of the socks?

"You will make your list, and then you will put the list away for safekeeping. What you are doing is making clear for yourself exactly the person who will be right for you, and then you will be directing the request into the universe to send that person to you. Do you understand?"

I nodded. But I didn't understand at all. The idea that somewhere in the universe was a person just right for me—someone who would respond to all the things that were important to me and with whom I could share my life—seemed impossible. Yet in spite of the painful experiences of the past, I had always lived my life as if all things were possible. Why wouldn't I try making the list?

At home I climbed into my four-poster bed with a yellow legal pad. I was amazed by how easy it was to write the list. I began with the definitive idea that he must be "at peace with himself." Then I listed everything, from good family relationships to intelligence and a sense of humor, to sex, religion, money, music, books, gardening, sailing, dancing, fishing, and on and on—down to dark gray socks.

Satisfied that I had done my part, I put the list in the back of my closet.

After about 15 minutes of waiting for Aubrey's answer, he walked into my room with the list in his hand. He had tears in his soft blue eyes. We looked at each other for several seconds before he spoke.

"I missed two," he said, holding up the list. Then, smiling, he added, "There are many things you have on this list that are true about me that you could not possibly know."

I wanted to laugh out loud. Instead I jumped up and threw my arms around him. I felt jubilant. Whatever doubts I harbored that he might have missed many more than two, I knew that the point was that he thought he missed only two. I had given my list to the universe and the universe had sent me Aubrey.

---

Read the full article here - http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200802_gorman

I heard about this love list a year or so ago, and while I didn't actually believe it would come true, I thought it was a really fun idea. What's important is being strong and holding out for the characteristics that will still be important and meaningful to you after 20 or 30 years of marriage, and not settling because you're too old or too invested or too worried about not being able to find anyone better, or just anyone else.

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/slideshow1_ss_ss_20080206/5

"While Martha's article about Alice touched many readers, Erin says it nearly knocked her out of her chair. "In December 2006, I made a detailed list of what I wanted in a life partner. I included everything from hairstyle and hobbies to spirituality, health and raising children," she says. "Less than two months later, I met my wonderful now-boyfriend of one year. He is absolutely everything above and beyond what I had listed."

Heather says she made her own love list in 2002 and put it away in a drawer. "Later that year, I met my future husband, Greg. In 2006, he proposed, and a few months later I came across my list," she says. "And there were the qualities of my husband. Every time I read my list, I smile knowing I ordered my husband from the universe."

Melissa's love list dates back all the way to 2000. "Did I get what I wanted right away? Uh, no," she says. "But I kept learning, not settling, and growing as a person." Melissa—pictured above on her wedding day—recently found the list buried among old receipts. "I realized that Will, my husband, was all of the things I had asked for. Do I believe in the power of a list? A little. But I also believe in the power of me, and I worked hard to find healthy love," she says. "That's living my best life."

honeymooners

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21 blissful days and counting... she's the kind of girl you love more and more every day

A friend posted this comment about his wife on fb today, love it =)

going for gold

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On our flight to Oslo, Norway 4th of July weekend I read You Only Get Married for the First Time Once by Judy Markey, a light-hearted, satirical commentary on life and marriage. One passage that stood out to me was:

The best thing that Bill Veeck gave me, though, was a glimpse into extraordinary clean and unconfused loving. I have never seen a marriage like the one he and Mary Frances Veeck put together. I have never seen two people woven quite so tightly, so finely tuned, so visibly one, yet so private about some of their oneness. I have never seen that kind of mutual protection, mutual respect, that sense of actually being in concert with another person. I think Bill and Mary Frances Veeck did marriage and loving better than just about anyone I've ever known.

Her description is dazzling, I feel like I need to put sunglasses on haha Xo) Bill Veeck was a big baseball team owner with a lot of personality apparently (I looked him up on good ol' wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Veeck), and Mary Frances was actually his second wife. I wish I could ask Judy more about what she saw in Bill and Mary. Not knowing a lot of couples closely enough perhaps, I can pick out one or two very strong and exemplary marriages but none that quite live up the glowing picture Judy painted. I think the skeptic in us all would like to say it can't exist, it's too intimidating and challenging an ideal. But can't we hope to go a little farther if we set the bar a little higher? Maybe not worrying about being so ONE, so fined tuned yet perhaps, but maybe working on that mutual protection and respect, figuring out how he shows love and how he communicates in ways that are different (and thus OK) from you. And appreciating him for it. You'll really earn that bronze anniversary.

You never know, after 50 years you might even grab the gold =)

"We feasted on love; every mode of it, solemn and merry, romantic and realistic, sometimes as dramatic as a thunderstorm, sometimes comfortable and unemphatic as putting on your soft slippers. She was my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress, but at the same time all that any man friend has ever been to me."
C.S. Lewis on his wife, Joy

happily ever after

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some thoughts from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry

It is also no accident that some couples are radiant, positive, and happy, while other couples are beaten down, defeated, and anxiety-ridden. Researchers who have searched for the difference between the two groups have come up with all kinds of explanations for marital success (long courtships, similar backgrounds, supportive families, good communication, well educated, and so on). But the bottom line is that happy couples decide to be happy. In spite of the troubles life deals them, they make happiness a habit.

Happiness has nothing to do with luck and everything to do with will.

During out first years of marriage, Leslie and I attended graduate school and lived in a small apartment complex with several other student couples. A few doors down from us lived Bob and Jessica, who had also recently moved to Los Angeles. We had a lot in common, except for one thing—they seemed to get all the breaks... To top it all off, Bob and Jessica drove a brand new, bright red sports car given to them by their wealthy parents.

I became unhappy every time I looked at their new car. It really began to depress me. I remember saying to myself, Why do other people get all the breaks? Why do other people have it so easy? To add insult to injury, I found myself becoming increasingly negative toward Leslie. Little things she did began to annoy me, or more accurately, I began to allow little things she did to annoy me. My self-pity was creating a negative mind-set that began to color even my marriage.

A truth hit me in the most unlikely of places: a statistics course... Dr. Wallis added: "Unlike computers, however, humans develop a habit of programming their minds to be either mostly negative or mostly positive." That's when it dawned on me: I was making myself and our marriage miserable, sitting around waiting for opportunity to come knocking and complaining because it wasn't. Without even knowing it, I had developed a bad habit of stamping my circumstances as "negative." Instead of making the best of our conditions, I was wallowing in self-pity and allowing them to make the best of me. From then on I determined to be happy no matter what. Not that I am always optimistic and on top of the world, but I know refuse to let my circumstances determine my mood—or my marriage.

Most negative people feel they could be positive if they had a different job, lived in a better place, or married a different person. But happiness does not hinge on better circumstances. Our circumstances change with the weather, but our attitudes stay the same. The negative person defends his attitudes with the rationale of being realistic, while the positive person looks beyond the current state of affairs and sees people and situations in terms of possibilities.

But how to we cultivate positive attitudes when our spouses do something we dislike? The answer lies in taking responsibility for our own feelings.

I remember coming home one day flushed with excitement and eager to discuss some good news with Les. I wanted him to share my excitement, but for whatever reason, he didn't. "You upset me," I later told him. But the truth is, he didn't upset me. I upset myself. Before exploring why Les didn't join in my celebration, I jumped to a negative conclusion. Meanwhile, Les, who was feeling somewhat dejected that day because of a setback at work, was thinking, She doesn't really care about me. She is only interested in herself.

Since that time both of use have tried to adopt a "no fault, no blame" attitude. The idea is to suspend our negative evaluations about each other and remember that no one can make another person unhappy. Everyone is responsible for his or her own attitude.

Research reveals that the level of a couple's joy is determined by each partner's ability to adjust to things beyond his or her control. If you are to cultivate the habit of happiness with your partner, you will need to avoid the poisons of self-pity, blame, and resentment.

No one can ever be an effective marriage partner with the added burden of self-pity to cope with.

Ever since Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent, couples have employed the trick of finding excuses and shifting responsibility. Every symptomatic problem in marriage (apathy, irritation, boredom, anger, depression, etc.) can be traced to a breakdown in personal responsibility. If you are angry, it is not your husband's fault, but your own choice. If you are depressed, it is not because your wife is failing you, but because you have chosen to be depressed. The habit of blaming your spouse is completely contrary to the principle of taking responsibility for your own attitude.

No one is exempt from being treated unfairly. We can all justify the anger we feel about how a situation or someone unfairly complicated our existence. "I have a feeling that it is easier to blame your father and keep your resentment alive than it is to forgive him. If you forgive him, then the consequences for your actions would shift from him to you, and that's scary."

The habit of happiness is an inside job.

for the singles

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I've decided single gals who exemplify these principles deserve Iron Woman trophies, since mastering them takes the kind of patience and discipline and trust and determination we tend to hope we didn't need to have haha =)

http://intervarsity.org/slj/article/2365

Here is my abridged version:

1. Don’t let dating or the desire for marriage become your god.

2. Finding the right person is not nearly as important as being the right person. Who are you becoming? What is the basis of your identity, hope for the future, security? Many people pursue relationships as the solution to their problems, such as insecurity, loneliness, lust, lack of direction or bad self-image.

3. We fear rejection, so we conform to what we suppose others prefer. Healthy marriages are never built on images or masks, but rather on openness.

4. Seek friendship and wait on romance. Romance will grab you soon enough, but friendship requires careful development.

5. Live in the reality of where a relationship is in its development, not in the fantasy of where you would like it to be.

6. Enjoy each relationship and resist the temptation of constantly trying to discern where you are in it — and where the other person is.

7. Be patient. Nothing good happens fast.

8. Check your motivation for the relationship from time to time. Many people are in love with being in love, rather than seeking what's best for the other.

9. Don’t so entwine the other person in your demands and expectations that he or she cannot fulfill their own potential. Jealousy is a key sign of our desire to possess another rather than to serve them.

10. Develop many lines of communication, especially in the areas of dialogue, problem solving, mutual interests, awareness of each other’s daily living patterns and habits, emotions, affection, service to others, spiritual life and family relationships.

11. Sexual expression is a powerful form of communication and should be carefully limited in order to allow other areas to develop. The physical can frequently and easily become a primary concern and become very difficult to control. Talk early and carefully within a relationship about guidelines in physical communication and be sure to agree on your goals in all areas.

12. Always be aware of the level of communication in relation to the level of commitment. It is easy to communicate more deeply than the level of commitment can support, whether that be in the area of interests, sexual expression or even spiritual concerns.

13. Be open about all aspects of your relationship with others who love and care about you. “There is safety in a multitude of counselors” (see Proverbs 11:14). Let your relationship stand in the context of others.

14. Realize that whenever you care for, serve and love someone, you can (and probably will) get hurt. Trust each relationship as a learning experience, no matter what ultimately happens. Don’t immediately assume that a relationship which moves away from romance is an indication that there is something wrong with you. It could be for the best.

it's a breakup because it's broken

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Even for someone in full remission from their last breakup, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt is an insightful and encouraging read. Especially if you recognize some of their recommendations as steps you managed to take all by yourself during the "self-esteem crushing, spirit breaking, gut-wrenchingly painful" experience of surviving a breakup.

The book is awesome, I couldn't really extract inspiring snippets for your benefit because as Greg and Amiira say, "there is no one-sentence cure for the common or uncommon breakup, even if it is a really good sentence. The only thing we know for sure is that this bummer of an event can actually be life-changing. It was for both of us. Hopefully, you'll look back and be thankful for it when you're living your kick-[butt] life with the right person who makes you an even bigger superstar than you already are."

A year and a half ago I would've writhed at the complete insensitivity of those words, even though I hoped to say them myself on some future day like today. I do want to share an excerpt from the end of the book I feel holds a lot of truth whether your relationship was truly horribly awful, or you were both just absolutely, amazingly, simply... not right for each other.

So what does it mean to really love yourself? Above all else, loving yourself means that you feel complete when you're on your own. Not only is that an extremely gratifying place to be emotionally, but it's also a very alluring quality when it comes to romantic relationships. People don't feel like they have to be responsible for your life, because you are responsible for yourself. "So is that what men want, someone who loves themselves?" you ask. Who cares? It's time to figure out what you want. Loving yourself and feeling complete isn't about catching a man–that's an added bonus that comes later. Your emotional growth and well-being should start with you, not someone else, and it should be for you, not someone else.

And we'd both done a lot of work on ourselves. Not just the "I lost weight, do I look good in these pants?" variety, but the "Why do I end up in these [crappy] relationships?" kind. The kind where you try to look at your problems objectively and figure out what part you played in them, even if your part was just routinely showing up for a bad time. The cool thing about this kind of perspective is that it keeps you from being the victim. Victims blame others. But if you recognize the part you played, you can do something about it in the future to not get involved in a similar kind of situation, or at least see it for what it is before it's too late. So right now, it's time to take a closer look at you and take some responsibility. Not just for the things you might have done wrong, but also the things you've been doing right for so long that you–or he–refused to acknowledge. One of the great joys in life is getting to a place where you really actually like yourself. Not the idea of who you think you are, or who you want to become, but the imperfect, awesome, living soul reading this sentence right now. The only way to do any of this is by exploring you.

You're doing it right now. You're currently participating just by reading this book. It means you are taking action, looking for answers, moving away from the pain and in the right direction. You are a seeker. You have what many don't– the willingness to look, the willingness to listen, and the willingness to learn. So stop right there and applaud yourself, since we're not there to give you the standing ovation you deserve. Bravo to you Superfox Breakup Warrior! Keep on doing what you're doing!

=)

his right arm embraces me

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I was pleasantly surprised to discover that there was a husband site to the-generous-wife.com, appropriately named "the-generous-husband.com" =) After perusing the blog archive, I came across a great post with the sweetest comments from some generous-minded husbands -

http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2009/04/24/a-romantic-act-in-public-is-worth-several-in-private/

I always smiled over one older, newly married couple whose arms never left each others in the church I went to back home. It's sad that such demonstrations these days seem to beg the question "How long will that last?" So many star-struck lovers have sworn they would never let each other go, only to leave or let life tear them apart. No matter how long it may last, I love that this couple showcased their appreciation for what they had in each other, and the commitment behind those words. I wouldn't pretend to be above not returning a gesture of love someday, for reasons either petulant or innocuous, but if blessed with that opportunity I hope I catch myself first. And remember all the single girls who dream of having such an arm around them, all the wives whose husbands' arms have grasped them in violence, all the spouses who have lost their loved ones to war or tragedy... ♥

"His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me... His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires..."
Song of Solomon 2:6 & 5:14

romance

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Myths Men Have About Women (from Husbands and Wives by Kinder and Cowan)

Myth #1: Most women think friendship is the same as romance.

"Rachel, married 16 years, finds that when she tries to get close to Alex, her husband, he immediately thinks she wants to be romantic. 'He knows I do like being romantic, but I also want to be a friend to Alex. He is the one who confuses the two, and doesn't trust any suggestion I make. If I want to have a simple quiet weekend away, he thinks it means we're supposed to be gazing into each other's eyes over candlelit dinners. That's just not so.'"

I can sympathize with Rachel. I've been pegged as a write-me-poems-then-buy-me-flowers-chocolate-jewelry-and-you-BETTER-not-forget-my-birthday kind of girl, despite a lack of supporting evidence. While I love coming up with cute and clever gifts, things are not necessarily my idea of romance =)

Kinder and Cowan's advice:
"Alex needs to realize that much of Rachel's wish for closeness and interaction is a reflection of her desire for a richer friendship with him, not some devious plot to ensnare him in some cloying romantic interlude. Rachel should suggest very specific plans for a weekend outing that include a number of possible activities she and Alex could do together. Some men's discomfort with closeness and romance is elevated by vague, open-ended time spent. For such men, the more specific the plan, the greater the comfort and opportunity for warm, shared experiences."

While activities aren't exactly suggestible if one's significant other is an ocean apart in dangerous conditions, it is helpful to think about alternative methods of reassuring the romance-wary and candlelight-phobic =)

friends

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The book Husbands and Wives by Melvyn Kinder and Connell Cowan starts off "exploding" 15 common myths about marriage, with numero uno being the pervasive belief that matrimony is the key to making one feel complete and whole. The problems with this mindset are explored a little further in Chapter 8 as well, titled "When Husbands and Wives Become Friends":

"Generosity promotes friendship; excessive and unrealistic expectations deplete it. We often approach our mate with such strong security needs that the net impact is more often one of demanding rather than giving and caring. We expect friends to enjoy us, not complete us, and we don't expect to be at the center of their lives. Friendships grow out of freedom, not guilt."

This statement made me pause, having known friendships of the very same kind. These types of friends expect others to be what a husband or significant other would - their main source of companionship and security, a sort of second half who mirror all of their own convictions and personality/character traits. But reading that statement yesterday reminded me that really I don't, and hopefully never would, expect a partner to be all those things either.

"We like our friends for who they are, not for what we would like them to be. Just because we are married doesn't mean we have the license to mold our mate to our liking. Naturally, because friends are not living under the same roof day after day, it is much easier to be tolerant. Nevertheless, such acceptance is still a prerequisite for friendship."

A great reminder, although as a single woman I do try to keep in mind that this advice is for married couples, not dating couples. The point of dating is to make sure there are NOT major areas your significant other would need to change in order for the relationship to work. We should all know better than to think marriage the time to start on all the spousal overhauls we discovered were needed before tying the knot.

Marriage aside, utter sillyness may commence when a girl tries to go down the "just friends" road with a more than likeable guy. After some meandering contemplation, I feel it would be something akin to, say... giving a kid a top of the line, custom-built bicycle, under the condition that he must walk it, not ride it. The analogy isn't a perfect one, but imagine the inevitable pouting, confusion and frustration that would ensue as he takes the slow, humbling journey around the neighborhood; as all his friends wonder if something's wrong with him or the bike, as he worries someone else might jump on and run off with it, as he weighs the possibilities that the bike will be a bad fit, maybe the handling too stiff after all this time looking forward to finally racing it. But... in this trial of patience he will learn the bicycle's every curve, stripe, seam and link, evaluating them for strength and beauty and spotting any weaknesses that might trouble the adventures ahead. And surely he will appreciate all the more the long-awaited moment where his hands wrap around both bars, his foot swings over the side, and he settles back into the embrace of the seat...

But then, shouldn't he be content without a bike? Or maybe one less perfect? Aren't there enough sources of fulfillment and pleasure in this world to content him instead? Perhaps...

In debunking marriage myth #1, Husbands and Wives explains that as social beings, we all have a hunger for love and human contact - and marriage may go a long way toward satisfying that hunger. However if we feel insecure or depressed, we may automatically look to our spouse as the antidote to those negative feelings. Either we want our mate to solve the problem, or we secretly blame him or her for somehow not being loving enough, rich enough, sexual enough, not "something" enough.

So many have struggled with this myth at some point, in various forms. It's difficult when, especially from the vantage point of youthful love and romance, having someone to love and be loved by is a state of happiness that can make the benefits of singlehood pale in comparison. As one friend aptly stated, "Life is really an awesome adventure. But I believe it can be better if it's experienced together."

The challenge of finding that kind of friendship with a significant other, whether you're single or married is a daunting one. But no matter what I guess I'd rather risk disappointment, work harder and trust more, in the hope of an amazing ride down the road =)