One of this week's hellomynameisblog.com blog posts reinforced a chapter I had been reading in Coach Yourself to Success by Talane Miedaner.
If you don’t set boundaries for yourself – other people will set them for you.
And then they will violate them.
And then they will tell all their little friends to violate them.
And it will be your fault because you never decided where to draw the line.
- Scott Ginsberg (the Nametag Guy), from What My Stalker Taught Me
While I'd be careful not to relieve boundary crossers of all responsibility for their actions, an ounce of prevention is often worth a pound of cure. Especially if you can avoid a restraining order. Talane gives some good advice on the subject:
Boundaries work equally well at home. A client's boyfriend had a hot temper and he would get angry and yell at her on occasion. She thought this was normal and something that had to be tolerated. I asked her to expand her boundary. It was not okay for him to yell at her for any reason. She explained to him that she loved him and would never intentionally hurt him in any way. The only reason he should be angry with her is she intentionally tried to hurt him. So if she was ten minutes late for a date, he could let her know it bothered him without yelling. At first he was still used to his old ways and so of course he started to yell when he was upset with her. She calmly informed him that he was yelling at her and asked him how much longer he needed to be angry. Five minutes? Thirty minutes? She'd be back when he calmed down. He realized how silly it was and started to laugh.
Boundaries are simply the things people can't do to you, lines that will protect you and allow you to be your best. Here is how to stop this behavior in a graceful and effective manner.
1) Inform. "Do you realize you are yelling?" or "Do you realize that comment hurt me?" If they continue with the unwanted behavior, go to step 2, but only after trying step 1.
2) Request. Ask them to stop. "I ask that you stop yelling at me now," or, "I ask that you only give me constructive feedback." If they still don't get it, try step 3.
3) Demand or insist. "I insist that you stop yelling at me now." No luck? Move on to step 4.
4) Leave (without any snappy comebacks or remarks). "I can't continue this conversation while you are yelling at me. I am going to leave the room."
The key to success with these four steps is to say them in a neutral tone of voice. Remember, you're informing the other person. Think of going through the four steps in the same way you'd say, "The sky is blue."
We assume that enforcing a boundary will make people dislike us or think we are pushy or aggressive or perhaps demanding. However, it is the exact opposite. When you have strong boundaries in place, people will stop treating you like a doormat and start respecting you. You'll be the kind of person people naturally respect and treat courteously.
It's tough to put up boundaries, when you're scared it will only separate you from what (or who) you want to stay close to. But having your dignity, intelligence, or sanity assaulted by someone who isn't interested in or capable of handling you with care will diminish you to a breaking point. It's a worthwhile risk to set and enforce boundaries that might actually help you grow and stay together instead. Of course women aren't the only ones who need to set boundaries, just ask Scott Ginsberg!
The people who really love you will respect your boundaries.
