excel in love

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Significance is found in giving your life away, not in selfishly trying to find personal happiness.

When you're with an amazing person there's simply never enough hours in the day. While being single can sometimes feel like you're just trying to fill the time, this quote from Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas reminded me to switch that perspective around and look at my time and life as something to give away. I'm all for personal happiness as well, but if love is a great beautifier, giving and doing for others is a great happifier =)

My other favorite quote from the book was:

If we view the marriage relationship as an opportunity to excel in love, it doesn't matter how difficult the person is who we are called to love; it doesn't matter even whether than love is ever returned. We can still excel at love. We can still say, "like it or not, I'm going to love you like nobody ever has."

sacred marriage

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- For Lisa -

I smiled in surprise as I turned past the cover pages to these words of dedication, written by Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage. I just happen to share his wife's name =) While perhaps not a masterpiece of literary eloquence or charm (or even intended to be I would guess), the book is still full of thought-provoking passages and challenging ideas.

Reading Sacred Marriage confirmed for me all over again how different infatuation is from truly loving someone; infatuation is something like adoration, without a deeper conscious desire and effort to continually honor and show respect to the object of your affection. I have completely and happily adored in the past, but loving with that kind of unwavering commitment to Respect is a much harder action to take hold of and carry out. So often we think of love as something we find, or that comes to us, rather than something we actively do and work at. This passive idea of love can be debilitating when we discover ourselves or our significant other to have suddenly "fallen" out of it. We then can only think it was meant to be, that there is nothing we can do about the loss of that feeling. Infatuation is a very irresistable state and feeling to fall into, and then perhaps out of, but love can really be thought of as a choice and an effort. Thomas declared:

Romantic love has no elasticity to it. It can never be stretched; it simply shatters.

Because we get the choice and then find it difficult to carry out the love in practice, what grounds do we have to ever stop loving? Yes, this spouse might be difficult to love at times, but that's what marriage is for - to teach us how to love.

Isn't that last bit a remarkable statement? That marriage isn't just a state of being where two people are to feel mutually loved, but a tool to teach us how to love. Amazing to sit on for a minute.

Gary naturally writes as a husband relating to his wife but here's some more of his points to ponder, with some of the 'wife' references switched to 'husband' to encourage all my generous wives to be out there =)

The thought that God wants me to serve him by concentrating on making my [husband] happy was extraordinary.

I quit defending myself when I was judged too harshly - for the important thing was not to be right (or to be well thought of) but to love.

My family once went through the National Gallery of Art, looking at some original Rembrandts, and one of my very tactile children reached out to touch the painting. My wife let loose with a harsh whisper and grabbed our child's hand before it could even reach the canvas. "This is a Rembrandt!" she hissed under the guards glare. "You can't touch these!" My [husband] was created by God himself! How dare I dishonor [him]? In fact, shouldn't it give me pause before I reach out to touch [him]? [He] is the Creator's [son], after all!

Honor not expressed is not honor. The difficulty with honoring our spouse is that it calls us to adopt attitudes and actions that go far beyond merely saying that we won't dishonor him or her. Honor isn't passive, it's active. We honor our [husbands] by demonstrating our esteem and respect, complimenting them in public, affirming their gifts, abilities, and accomplishments, and declaring our appreciation for all they do.

The glib statement "Oh that's just [men] for you" betrays a serious spiritual disease. "Just [men]" are made in the image of God.

All of a sudden, a question startled me: "Does Lisa feel like she's married to Jesus?" I almost laughed out loud, until I was shaken by another thought. I am told over and over in Scripture that my duty as a Christian is to become more like Jesus Christ. Over time, my wife should start to feel like there's at least a family resemblance.

Instead of focusing your energy on resentment over how sparsely your spouse understands you, expand your efforts to understand him or her. Take time to do an inventory of your spouse's difficulties rather than your spouses shortcomings.

I never eat at somebody's house without thanking them for providing a meal; why should I not give my wife that same thanks I'd give someone else?

Have contempt for contempt... Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude.

The times that I am happiest and most fulfilled in my marriage are the times when I am intent on drawing meaning and fulfillment from becoming a better [wife] rather than from demanding a "better" [husband].