more gift ideas

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for my original list check out my first gift ideas blog post =)

some free online gift ideas -
http://www.ehow.com/how_4723720_give-free-online-gifts.html

from lovingyou.com


A Coloring Book For Your Love
For an anniversary present, I made my boyfriend a coloring and activity book. I made up a story and drew all the pictures (plain computer paper is fine) and outlined them with pen. I bound it all together with a cover and gave him some crayons to go with it. He loves it so much he refuses to color in it for fear of messing it up.
--submitted by Kitty

A Fairy Tale Story
My boyfriend and I are always telling each other stories, just to pass the time. This year for Christmas I decided to write out the story of how we met in a fairy-tale format, complete with cute pictures of the Kim Anderson children to illustrate it. All my girlfriends loved the idea, and hopefully he likes it as much, too!
--submitted by Anonymous

A Happy Book
I decided that I wanted to do something really special--and cost effective--to get his spirits up and still celebrate us, so I made him a "happy book." I went to a bookstore and got a really nice leather-bound, unlined journal and a felt tip pen. I then sat at my computer and researched hundreds of motivational, inspirational, and loving quotes that made me think of him. I picked my favorite 60 (1 for each month we had been together) and wrote them down on a separate page in the book. On the next page I inserted a picture and wrote a story about how or why that quote made me think of him. I want him to know that he's accomplished so much in his life, and he just needs to keep going...
--submitted by Dani

A Keepsake of Our Song
As Valentine’s Day got closer I still wanted to surprise him so I got six balloons and placed a note in each one. Each note told him where to go to pop the next balloon. By the time he got to the bedroom I was standing there with the song that we danced to at our wedding playing, and a bottle in my hand. In the bottle were the lyrics to our song printed on old-looking paper. He loved it!
--submitted by Michele

A Message In A Bottle
I got a clear plastic soda bottle, and took all the wrapping off it. I typed up a note to her and printed it on some paper that looked like a scroll. I rolled it up nice and tight and tied it in a bow. I put the note in the bottle, and screwed the top on. I taped her address to the outside of the bottle, and it only cost me .55 cents in the US mail! She absolutely loved it! Trust me, it will be one of the best inexpensive surprises ever!
--submitted by John

A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words
My girlfriend and I were at different colleges, so I didn't get to see her except on holidays. So, for our anniversary, I wrote her a note. At the top I put, "Some people say a picture is worth a thousand words. I can't take a picture with you... so guess what?" Under that, I wrote out how much I loved her and missed her using exactly a thousand words. I put the note in a picture frame and sent it to her in the mail. She loved it!
--submitted by Untouchable

A loving book
I will go shopping at a book store in the children's section. I will pick out a book with a loving title, like one time I bought him, "I love you this much" When he reads through it he knows how much I love him. It's a great gift to keep for a long time too.
--submitted by Pam

Build Your Own Lamp
She loves the movie Monsters Inc..So I bought a talking stuffed figure of the character from the movie and a do-it-yourself lamp kit. I cut a little hole in the back of the stuffed animal, slid a metal stand rod and wires under its back, with the light and lampshade just above his head. I pulled it low and glued his hand to it, so it looked like he was looking out from underneath the lamp shade, like a scene from the movie. I left it at her work, with him holding balloons and a card I made. Next to it was a box of her favorite cookies that she can never find at any of our stores (I called some stores in nearby cities and found them). She was so surprised that she started crying, and to this day the girls at her work still remember me as the guy who made the cutest lamp for his girlfriend.
--submitted by Kenny

Choose Your Own Adventure
This would be a great gift idea for those 20-something year olds that grew up with the books Choose Your Own Adventure and want to make a creative love journal. Basically, the books gave you choices and depending on your choices you would flip to different pages. They were especially fun to read because you could reread the books and change your fate every time depending on what you chose to do.
--submitted by Anonoymous

100 Reasons Why I Love You
We chat on the phone a lot, but that gets expensive for a broke, college girl, so we also chat on the computer. One day, he asked me if I was sure that I loved him and I told him of course. He asked me why, and I told him there were at least 100 reasons. When he asked me to name 5, I told him to give me a minute, I had to do something. In the buddy info of my chat program, I listed 10 reasons why I love him, for him and everyone else I know to see. I told him to check, and he called me up as soon as he read it gushing about how much he loved me. A week later, I put up 10 more, and the same thing the week after that. Once he caught on that there was a new set of 10 every week, he started doing the same thing. It lasted for 10 weeks. We had so much fun doing it, we just kept it up. It's a great little reminder to have sometimes, just to let you know that you're thought of.
--submitted by Melissa

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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RESPECT. Unconditional respect. Whether the person is loving or not, whether they are the first to admit wrong or not.

It's one of the most powerful tools a woman can own.

From Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs:

I have been in counseling sessions with couples, and with her mate sitting there listening the wife will readily say, "I love my husband but don't feel any respect for him." But when I turn this around and ask the wives how they would feel if they would hear their husbands say, "I respect you but don't love you," they are horrified. They exclaim, "I would be devastated!"

I asked one wife, "How long would it take you to get over that?" She quickly answered, "Forever."

The typical wife would be up in arms if she heard, "I respect you but don't love you." That is taboo! She would view her husband as a very unloving human being. Yet this same wife feels she can readily say to him, "I love you but don't respect you." What she doesn't understand is that her husband is equally devastated by her comment and it also takes him "forever" to "get over it." The bottom line is that husbands and wives have needs that are truly equal. She needs unconditional love, and he needs unconditional respect.


Stay tuned for more pearls of wisdom from Love & Respect =)

nice nite in june

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I can't seem to find the original source for this poem titled Nice Nite in June, but it was an amusing and sad-but-true snapshot of modern relationships.


Nice nite in June,
Stars shine, big moon.
In park, on bench,
With gal, in clinch.
Me say me love,
She coo like dove.
Me smart, me fast,
Never let chance pass.
"Get hitched," me say.
She say, "Okay."
Wedding bells, ring, ring,
Honeymoon, everything.
Happy man, happy wife,
Best time in life!
'Nother nite in June,
Stars shine, big moon.
Ain't happy no more,
Carry baby, walk floor.
Wife fuss and scream,
Me yell, get mean.
Wife sad, me mad,
Everything go bad.
Nagging wife, bawling brat,
Life one big spat.
Me realize at last,
Me just too fast!


Dr. John Van Epp read the poem in a video I saw of one of his seminars on How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (or Jerkette) - check out excerpts from his book at http://nojerks.com/index.php?page=Excerpts.

"Don't spend months preparing for a wedding that will last an hour, and neglect to prepare for a marriage that is to last a lifetime."

the one

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from Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage: Unlocking the Secrets to Life, Love, and Marriage by Mark Gungor:

The idea that there is just one special person for me - my soul mate - comes from an alleged altercation between the human race and the Greek god Zeus. It was thought that our undying pursuit of perfect love is the result of Zeus's scheme to keep us busy - far away from meddling in the domain of the gods. Those of us in Evangelical circles have even taken this to a whole new level by encouraging parents to start praying for that "one special person" that God has chosen for our child while he or she is still young. Rather than praying that our children embrace righteousness, justice, wisdom, sacrifice, goodness, et cetera - all things that would make them wonderful mates to whomever they chose to commit their lives to - we are praying for that "special one" that God has already chosen for our child. Zeus be praised, I guess.

The Bible never tells us to find the one God has chosen. It teaches us how to live well with the person we have chosen. And there is a distance of infinitude between those two thoughts. The first assumes that life, love, romance, and marriage are part of God's divine plan and, therefore, depend more on God than on us. The second, and more biblical, line of thought tells us that successful life, love, romance, and marriage are the result of a couple living by God's principles - principles that never fail. But this version, which places true love and marriage on the footing of human choice and responsibility, just isn't nearly as romantic or seductive. The truth is, a successful marriage is not the result of marrying the "right" person, feeling the "right" emotions, thinking the "right" thoughts, or even praying the "right" prayers. It's about doing the "right" things - period.

I generally agreed with Grugor, although there's a verse in Proverbs that might make one question the extremity of his opinion -

House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the Lord. Prov 19:14

While I don't think it proves that God of the Bible intends one special woman for one certain man, it does indicate that a prudent wife is a gift that He purposefully blesses a man with. Is the verse saying a prudent wife is an inheritance from the Lord? Or does the "but" indicate a completely opposite idea of inheritance? How exactly God or fate or the universe orchestrates the giving of that gift is beyond me, and I whole-heartedly support that it's focusing on building one's own character that will most likely attract the amazing person we hope to be gifted with.

beautiful

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From an article series in the August 2009 issue of Real Simple magazine titled: What Makes Me Feel Beautiful:

Anne Roiphe: My Late Husband’s Words

It was mid-December of 2005. I don’t know why he said it. I don’t know if a shadow had fallen across him, something appalling he saw out of the corner of his eye. I don’t know if it was just coincidence or intuition that prompted him, but about a week before my seemingly healthy 82-year-old husband suddenly died, he emerged from the kitchen ready to go to his office, his face clean-shaven, his eyes shining, smiling shyly, holding the copy of the Anthony Trollope book he was rereading, and said to me, "You have made me very happy. You know that you have made me a happy man." There I stood in my work outfit, blue jeans and a T-shirt. There I stood with my white hair and my wrinkles and the face I was born with, although now much creased by time, and I felt beautiful.

"What?" I said. I wanted him to repeat the words. "You heard me," he said and put on his coat and drew his earmuffs out of his pocket. "Say it again," I said. He said it again. "You’ve made me happy." We had been married 39 years. We had held hands waiting in hospital corridors while a desperately ill child struggled to breathe and thankfully recovered. We had made financial mistakes together. We had spent hours out in fishing boats. We had raised the children and then second-guessed our choices. We had stood shoulder to shoulder at graduations and weddings and we were well-worn, but still I had made him happy, and I was proud and flushed with the warmth of his words.

I know I looked beautiful that morning. Perhaps not to the young man holding his toddler in his arms who rode the elevator with me; perhaps not to the friend I met for lunch, a true believer in Botox; perhaps not to passersby on the street; but I knew it for a certainty. I was beautiful.

I don’t believe that inner beauty is sufficient in this cruel world. That’s the pap one tells a child. I don’t believe that positive thinking improves your skin tone or that loving or being loved changes the shape of your nose or restores the thickness and color of hair, but I do know that there is a way of being beautiful, even as age takes its toll, that has something to do with the spirit filling with joy, something to do with the union with another human being, with the sense of having done well at something enormously important, like making happy a man who has made you happy often enough.

Ten days after that morning conversation, my husband and I returned from a concert and dinner with friends and walked down our windy block toward our apartment house when suddenly he stumbled and fell and died within minutes. As I waited for the ambulance, I remembered his words, a beauty potion I would take with me into the rest of my life.

excel in love

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Significance is found in giving your life away, not in selfishly trying to find personal happiness.

When you're with an amazing person there's simply never enough hours in the day. While being single can sometimes feel like you're just trying to fill the time, this quote from Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas reminded me to switch that perspective around and look at my time and life as something to give away. I'm all for personal happiness as well, but if love is a great beautifier, giving and doing for others is a great happifier =)

My other favorite quote from the book was:

If we view the marriage relationship as an opportunity to excel in love, it doesn't matter how difficult the person is who we are called to love; it doesn't matter even whether than love is ever returned. We can still excel at love. We can still say, "like it or not, I'm going to love you like nobody ever has."

sacred marriage

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- For Lisa -

I smiled in surprise as I turned past the cover pages to these words of dedication, written by Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage. I just happen to share his wife's name =) While perhaps not a masterpiece of literary eloquence or charm (or even intended to be I would guess), the book is still full of thought-provoking passages and challenging ideas.

Reading Sacred Marriage confirmed for me all over again how different infatuation is from truly loving someone; infatuation is something like adoration, without a deeper conscious desire and effort to continually honor and show respect to the object of your affection. I have completely and happily adored in the past, but loving with that kind of unwavering commitment to Respect is a much harder action to take hold of and carry out. So often we think of love as something we find, or that comes to us, rather than something we actively do and work at. This passive idea of love can be debilitating when we discover ourselves or our significant other to have suddenly "fallen" out of it. We then can only think it was meant to be, that there is nothing we can do about the loss of that feeling. Infatuation is a very irresistable state and feeling to fall into, and then perhaps out of, but love can really be thought of as a choice and an effort. Thomas declared:

Romantic love has no elasticity to it. It can never be stretched; it simply shatters.

Because we get the choice and then find it difficult to carry out the love in practice, what grounds do we have to ever stop loving? Yes, this spouse might be difficult to love at times, but that's what marriage is for - to teach us how to love.

Isn't that last bit a remarkable statement? That marriage isn't just a state of being where two people are to feel mutually loved, but a tool to teach us how to love. Amazing to sit on for a minute.

Gary naturally writes as a husband relating to his wife but here's some more of his points to ponder, with some of the 'wife' references switched to 'husband' to encourage all my generous wives to be out there =)

The thought that God wants me to serve him by concentrating on making my [husband] happy was extraordinary.

I quit defending myself when I was judged too harshly - for the important thing was not to be right (or to be well thought of) but to love.

My family once went through the National Gallery of Art, looking at some original Rembrandts, and one of my very tactile children reached out to touch the painting. My wife let loose with a harsh whisper and grabbed our child's hand before it could even reach the canvas. "This is a Rembrandt!" she hissed under the guards glare. "You can't touch these!" My [husband] was created by God himself! How dare I dishonor [him]? In fact, shouldn't it give me pause before I reach out to touch [him]? [He] is the Creator's [son], after all!

Honor not expressed is not honor. The difficulty with honoring our spouse is that it calls us to adopt attitudes and actions that go far beyond merely saying that we won't dishonor him or her. Honor isn't passive, it's active. We honor our [husbands] by demonstrating our esteem and respect, complimenting them in public, affirming their gifts, abilities, and accomplishments, and declaring our appreciation for all they do.

The glib statement "Oh that's just [men] for you" betrays a serious spiritual disease. "Just [men]" are made in the image of God.

All of a sudden, a question startled me: "Does Lisa feel like she's married to Jesus?" I almost laughed out loud, until I was shaken by another thought. I am told over and over in Scripture that my duty as a Christian is to become more like Jesus Christ. Over time, my wife should start to feel like there's at least a family resemblance.

Instead of focusing your energy on resentment over how sparsely your spouse understands you, expand your efforts to understand him or her. Take time to do an inventory of your spouse's difficulties rather than your spouses shortcomings.

I never eat at somebody's house without thanking them for providing a meal; why should I not give my wife that same thanks I'd give someone else?

Have contempt for contempt... Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude.

The times that I am happiest and most fulfilled in my marriage are the times when I am intent on drawing meaning and fulfillment from becoming a better [wife] rather than from demanding a "better" [husband].

olive branch

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"I thought I was just tired," says the guy newly in touch with his feelings, "but I'm really sad, lonely, ambivalent, distant, mournful, neglected, burdened, unappreciated, mistreated, taken advantage of, etc. I have a lot of needs that are not getting met in this relationship!"

Of course his partner would respond with exasperation.

"But you wanted him to express his feelings," we would say.

"Not those feelings!" she'd exclaim in disgust. "I want to hear how much he loves me and how important I am to him and how empty and sad his life would be without me."

Here is a tough question that women need to ask themselves: Do you really want to know about his feelings or do you merely want him to validate yours and comply with your idea of connection?

Again we remind women, be careful what you ask for, because if you refuse the connection when he extends the olive branch, you will make it difficult - if not impossible - for him to give you what you're asking for. If you expect a man to be forthcoming with his feelings, you must cease all the distraction, impatience, criticism, and other forms of stomping on his heart that taught him in the past that it is not safe to go there.


Just some more words of wisdom from How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.

I found this helpful as well:

Every time you violate your core values - even if you're just reacting to your partner - you feel guilty. If you take a deep breath and try to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect, you will find yourself back to what is most important to you. You will no longer want to attack, devalue, or defend.

The capacity to stay true to your deepest values - and thereby transform most of your fear and shame - lies entirely within you. And in the end, you will judge yourself by your own efforts and behavior, not by your partner's. On your deathbed, you won't regret what he/she did or didn't do; you'll think about your fidelity to the most important things around you. When you are upset, angry, or resentful, try to focus less on what your partner is doing and ask yourself... Am I acting like the person I most want to be? Am I being the partner I want to be?
Remaining true to your core values, regardless of what your partner does, is the necessary first step in relationship improvement.

good measure, pressed down, and shaken together

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"Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”
Luke 6:36-38

Some people are definitely toxic, and require distance or other boundaries to preserve your own sanity. And putting your sanity first is key to being able to be merciful and forgiving and giving, but I've never gone wrong when I've insisted on treating people well because of who I am, not because of how they're treating me or how I want to be treated. Just a slightly different twist on the Golden Rule. Maybe I feel like I have more direct influence on how I'm remembered than how I'm treated, so it's a better use of energy to focus on the former? I've seen this principle resolve or even improve enough negative situations to be a firm believer in it. It's also not just about how you're remembered; it's about the ripple effect you want to have. Cruelty and sarcasm can only breed more of the same, and it's not really fair or beneficial when Kevin Bacon's cousin ends up the unwitting victim of your judgement or stinginess. You might actually restore someone's faith in humanity, and inspire them to do the same for others =)

I know it's tough to be generous when you're hurting, but these verses offer an amazing reward for turning our own knee-jerk critical and demeaning reactions around. With the exception of toxic/abusive relationships, it sounds like the hardest part is believing that being the first, and sometimes only partner to be merciful and understanding and affirming and giving can be in YOUR best interest. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over best interest.

A big pile of goodness, pressed down to make room for even more well-mixed goodness, with an extra bottle of goodness poured on top and spilling over... can I get double shot of that? =)

for shame

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From How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny:

"Some women have no clue how critical and demeaning they are to men. When confronted with their critical behavior, the most common reaction is disbelief. Reflecting on this fact, Pat thought it might be interesting to list 101 ways to shame a man without trying. Off the top of her head, she came up with well over 50 ways she had done so, inadvertantly or otherwise, in her own relationships..."

For an eye opener, choose true or false for the following statements (choose "true" if it applies to you at least sometimes).

1. I exclude him from important decisions.


2. I don't always give him a chance to help.


3. I correct things he says.


4. I question his judgment.


5. I give him unsolicited advice.


6. I suggest how he should feel.


7. I ignore his advice.


8. I imply that he's inadequate in certain areas.


9. I'm often stressed or in a bad mood.


10. I think that he should at least match my use of time and energy.


11. When he says I overreact, I think that he just doesn't understand.


12. I ignore his needs that I don't think are important.


13. I focus on what I don't have instead of what I have.


14. I withhold praise because I think he doesn't really deserve it or because I don't want him to get the big head.


15. I use a harsh tone to get through to him.


16. I pay more attention to other people's needs than his.


17. I undermine his wishes.


18. I am condescending to him.


19. I lack respect for his work.


20. I show little interests in his interests.


21. I criticize his family.


22. I interpret the "real meaning" of what he says and does.


23. I compare him to other men or, worse, to my girlfriends.


24. I don't take his point of view seriously.


25. I believe that he just can't see my unhappiness.


26. I think he fails to make me happy


27. If I'm unhappy, I tell him he must be unhappy, too.


28. I roll my eyes when I think of some of the things he says and does.


29. He says I give him "the look"


30. I am sometimes sarcastic to make my point or express my dissatisfaction with his behavior.


31. I use ridicule to get through to him.


32. I usually have a "better way" of doing things.


33. Sometimes I think he's a jerk.


34. I have to tell him what he's doing wrong.


35. I tell him that he never helps me enough.


36. He can't handle my feelings.


37. I believe that if his childhood or previous relationships were different we wouldn't have these problems.


38. I think that I understand relationships better than he does.


39. I think I do more than he does.


40. My friends treat me better than he does.


41. He disappoints me.

Guilty ={

"Where there is a withdrawn or silent man, there is usually a critical woman."

the love list

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"Maybe I'm not the right man for you," he said, half making a statement, half asking a question.

"Maybe you're not!" I crossed my arms, feeling defiant, but in the next second I regretted the whole ridiculous discussion. What were we talking about? I thought I had met the man of my dreams, and we were about to throw the whole thing out the window over an absurd argument. Closing my eyes, I suddenly saw a mental picture of "the list." It had been in the back of my closet for five years. What would Aubrey think of the list?

"I have an idea," I said. I left the kitchen, and several minutes later I came back with the list in my hand. I held the small sheaf of papers out to him. "Read this, and you decide if you are the right man for me." I turned on my heel and marched down the hallway to my room, as if following stage directions.

.........

"I want to know if—" I began, but I couldn't finish the sentence. Finally, I blurted out: "I want to know if I am supposed to have a true and lasting love in my life. It's okay if I'm not. It's really okay. I have so much in my life. My family. My friends. My artists. My galleries. I just want to know. I want to stop worrying about it—thinking about it all the time."

"Here is what you must do. You must go home and write down 100 qualities you would like this person with whom you will share your life to have."

I felt almost giddy. "A hundred? Wouldn't I be lucky if I got 10?"

"Oh no, my dear," she said. "You must describe the person down to the color of the socks!"

I wanted to laugh. Color of the socks?

"You will make your list, and then you will put the list away for safekeeping. What you are doing is making clear for yourself exactly the person who will be right for you, and then you will be directing the request into the universe to send that person to you. Do you understand?"

I nodded. But I didn't understand at all. The idea that somewhere in the universe was a person just right for me—someone who would respond to all the things that were important to me and with whom I could share my life—seemed impossible. Yet in spite of the painful experiences of the past, I had always lived my life as if all things were possible. Why wouldn't I try making the list?

At home I climbed into my four-poster bed with a yellow legal pad. I was amazed by how easy it was to write the list. I began with the definitive idea that he must be "at peace with himself." Then I listed everything, from good family relationships to intelligence and a sense of humor, to sex, religion, money, music, books, gardening, sailing, dancing, fishing, and on and on—down to dark gray socks.

Satisfied that I had done my part, I put the list in the back of my closet.

After about 15 minutes of waiting for Aubrey's answer, he walked into my room with the list in his hand. He had tears in his soft blue eyes. We looked at each other for several seconds before he spoke.

"I missed two," he said, holding up the list. Then, smiling, he added, "There are many things you have on this list that are true about me that you could not possibly know."

I wanted to laugh out loud. Instead I jumped up and threw my arms around him. I felt jubilant. Whatever doubts I harbored that he might have missed many more than two, I knew that the point was that he thought he missed only two. I had given my list to the universe and the universe had sent me Aubrey.

---

Read the full article here - http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200802_gorman

I heard about this love list a year or so ago, and while I didn't actually believe it would come true, I thought it was a really fun idea. What's important is being strong and holding out for the characteristics that will still be important and meaningful to you after 20 or 30 years of marriage, and not settling because you're too old or too invested or too worried about not being able to find anyone better, or just anyone else.

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/slideshow1_ss_ss_20080206/5

"While Martha's article about Alice touched many readers, Erin says it nearly knocked her out of her chair. "In December 2006, I made a detailed list of what I wanted in a life partner. I included everything from hairstyle and hobbies to spirituality, health and raising children," she says. "Less than two months later, I met my wonderful now-boyfriend of one year. He is absolutely everything above and beyond what I had listed."

Heather says she made her own love list in 2002 and put it away in a drawer. "Later that year, I met my future husband, Greg. In 2006, he proposed, and a few months later I came across my list," she says. "And there were the qualities of my husband. Every time I read my list, I smile knowing I ordered my husband from the universe."

Melissa's love list dates back all the way to 2000. "Did I get what I wanted right away? Uh, no," she says. "But I kept learning, not settling, and growing as a person." Melissa—pictured above on her wedding day—recently found the list buried among old receipts. "I realized that Will, my husband, was all of the things I had asked for. Do I believe in the power of a list? A little. But I also believe in the power of me, and I worked hard to find healthy love," she says. "That's living my best life."

honeymooners

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21 blissful days and counting... she's the kind of girl you love more and more every day

A friend posted this comment about his wife on fb today, love it =)

going for gold

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On our flight to Oslo, Norway 4th of July weekend I read You Only Get Married for the First Time Once by Judy Markey, a light-hearted, satirical commentary on life and marriage. One passage that stood out to me was:

The best thing that Bill Veeck gave me, though, was a glimpse into extraordinary clean and unconfused loving. I have never seen a marriage like the one he and Mary Frances Veeck put together. I have never seen two people woven quite so tightly, so finely tuned, so visibly one, yet so private about some of their oneness. I have never seen that kind of mutual protection, mutual respect, that sense of actually being in concert with another person. I think Bill and Mary Frances Veeck did marriage and loving better than just about anyone I've ever known.

Her description is dazzling, I feel like I need to put sunglasses on haha Xo) Bill Veeck was a big baseball team owner with a lot of personality apparently (I looked him up on good ol' wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Veeck), and Mary Frances was actually his second wife. I wish I could ask Judy more about what she saw in Bill and Mary. Not knowing a lot of couples closely enough perhaps, I can pick out one or two very strong and exemplary marriages but none that quite live up the glowing picture Judy painted. I think the skeptic in us all would like to say it can't exist, it's too intimidating and challenging an ideal. But can't we hope to go a little farther if we set the bar a little higher? Maybe not worrying about being so ONE, so fined tuned yet perhaps, but maybe working on that mutual protection and respect, figuring out how he shows love and how he communicates in ways that are different (and thus OK) from you. And appreciating him for it. You'll really earn that bronze anniversary.

You never know, after 50 years you might even grab the gold =)

"We feasted on love; every mode of it, solemn and merry, romantic and realistic, sometimes as dramatic as a thunderstorm, sometimes comfortable and unemphatic as putting on your soft slippers. She was my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress, but at the same time all that any man friend has ever been to me."
C.S. Lewis on his wife, Joy

happily ever after

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some thoughts from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry

It is also no accident that some couples are radiant, positive, and happy, while other couples are beaten down, defeated, and anxiety-ridden. Researchers who have searched for the difference between the two groups have come up with all kinds of explanations for marital success (long courtships, similar backgrounds, supportive families, good communication, well educated, and so on). But the bottom line is that happy couples decide to be happy. In spite of the troubles life deals them, they make happiness a habit.

Happiness has nothing to do with luck and everything to do with will.

During out first years of marriage, Leslie and I attended graduate school and lived in a small apartment complex with several other student couples. A few doors down from us lived Bob and Jessica, who had also recently moved to Los Angeles. We had a lot in common, except for one thing—they seemed to get all the breaks... To top it all off, Bob and Jessica drove a brand new, bright red sports car given to them by their wealthy parents.

I became unhappy every time I looked at their new car. It really began to depress me. I remember saying to myself, Why do other people get all the breaks? Why do other people have it so easy? To add insult to injury, I found myself becoming increasingly negative toward Leslie. Little things she did began to annoy me, or more accurately, I began to allow little things she did to annoy me. My self-pity was creating a negative mind-set that began to color even my marriage.

A truth hit me in the most unlikely of places: a statistics course... Dr. Wallis added: "Unlike computers, however, humans develop a habit of programming their minds to be either mostly negative or mostly positive." That's when it dawned on me: I was making myself and our marriage miserable, sitting around waiting for opportunity to come knocking and complaining because it wasn't. Without even knowing it, I had developed a bad habit of stamping my circumstances as "negative." Instead of making the best of our conditions, I was wallowing in self-pity and allowing them to make the best of me. From then on I determined to be happy no matter what. Not that I am always optimistic and on top of the world, but I know refuse to let my circumstances determine my mood—or my marriage.

Most negative people feel they could be positive if they had a different job, lived in a better place, or married a different person. But happiness does not hinge on better circumstances. Our circumstances change with the weather, but our attitudes stay the same. The negative person defends his attitudes with the rationale of being realistic, while the positive person looks beyond the current state of affairs and sees people and situations in terms of possibilities.

But how to we cultivate positive attitudes when our spouses do something we dislike? The answer lies in taking responsibility for our own feelings.

I remember coming home one day flushed with excitement and eager to discuss some good news with Les. I wanted him to share my excitement, but for whatever reason, he didn't. "You upset me," I later told him. But the truth is, he didn't upset me. I upset myself. Before exploring why Les didn't join in my celebration, I jumped to a negative conclusion. Meanwhile, Les, who was feeling somewhat dejected that day because of a setback at work, was thinking, She doesn't really care about me. She is only interested in herself.

Since that time both of use have tried to adopt a "no fault, no blame" attitude. The idea is to suspend our negative evaluations about each other and remember that no one can make another person unhappy. Everyone is responsible for his or her own attitude.

Research reveals that the level of a couple's joy is determined by each partner's ability to adjust to things beyond his or her control. If you are to cultivate the habit of happiness with your partner, you will need to avoid the poisons of self-pity, blame, and resentment.

No one can ever be an effective marriage partner with the added burden of self-pity to cope with.

Ever since Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent, couples have employed the trick of finding excuses and shifting responsibility. Every symptomatic problem in marriage (apathy, irritation, boredom, anger, depression, etc.) can be traced to a breakdown in personal responsibility. If you are angry, it is not your husband's fault, but your own choice. If you are depressed, it is not because your wife is failing you, but because you have chosen to be depressed. The habit of blaming your spouse is completely contrary to the principle of taking responsibility for your own attitude.

No one is exempt from being treated unfairly. We can all justify the anger we feel about how a situation or someone unfairly complicated our existence. "I have a feeling that it is easier to blame your father and keep your resentment alive than it is to forgive him. If you forgive him, then the consequences for your actions would shift from him to you, and that's scary."

The habit of happiness is an inside job.

for the singles

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I've decided single gals who exemplify these principles deserve Iron Woman trophies, since mastering them takes the kind of patience and discipline and trust and determination we tend to hope we didn't need to have haha =)

http://intervarsity.org/slj/article/2365

Here is my abridged version:

1. Don’t let dating or the desire for marriage become your god.

2. Finding the right person is not nearly as important as being the right person. Who are you becoming? What is the basis of your identity, hope for the future, security? Many people pursue relationships as the solution to their problems, such as insecurity, loneliness, lust, lack of direction or bad self-image.

3. We fear rejection, so we conform to what we suppose others prefer. Healthy marriages are never built on images or masks, but rather on openness.

4. Seek friendship and wait on romance. Romance will grab you soon enough, but friendship requires careful development.

5. Live in the reality of where a relationship is in its development, not in the fantasy of where you would like it to be.

6. Enjoy each relationship and resist the temptation of constantly trying to discern where you are in it — and where the other person is.

7. Be patient. Nothing good happens fast.

8. Check your motivation for the relationship from time to time. Many people are in love with being in love, rather than seeking what's best for the other.

9. Don’t so entwine the other person in your demands and expectations that he or she cannot fulfill their own potential. Jealousy is a key sign of our desire to possess another rather than to serve them.

10. Develop many lines of communication, especially in the areas of dialogue, problem solving, mutual interests, awareness of each other’s daily living patterns and habits, emotions, affection, service to others, spiritual life and family relationships.

11. Sexual expression is a powerful form of communication and should be carefully limited in order to allow other areas to develop. The physical can frequently and easily become a primary concern and become very difficult to control. Talk early and carefully within a relationship about guidelines in physical communication and be sure to agree on your goals in all areas.

12. Always be aware of the level of communication in relation to the level of commitment. It is easy to communicate more deeply than the level of commitment can support, whether that be in the area of interests, sexual expression or even spiritual concerns.

13. Be open about all aspects of your relationship with others who love and care about you. “There is safety in a multitude of counselors” (see Proverbs 11:14). Let your relationship stand in the context of others.

14. Realize that whenever you care for, serve and love someone, you can (and probably will) get hurt. Trust each relationship as a learning experience, no matter what ultimately happens. Don’t immediately assume that a relationship which moves away from romance is an indication that there is something wrong with you. It could be for the best.

it's a breakup because it's broken

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Even for someone in full remission from their last breakup, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt is an insightful and encouraging read. Especially if you recognize some of their recommendations as steps you managed to take all by yourself during the "self-esteem crushing, spirit breaking, gut-wrenchingly painful" experience of surviving a breakup.

The book is awesome, I couldn't really extract inspiring snippets for your benefit because as Greg and Amiira say, "there is no one-sentence cure for the common or uncommon breakup, even if it is a really good sentence. The only thing we know for sure is that this bummer of an event can actually be life-changing. It was for both of us. Hopefully, you'll look back and be thankful for it when you're living your kick-[butt] life with the right person who makes you an even bigger superstar than you already are."

A year and a half ago I would've writhed at the complete insensitivity of those words, even though I hoped to say them myself on some future day like today. I do want to share an excerpt from the end of the book I feel holds a lot of truth whether your relationship was truly horribly awful, or you were both just absolutely, amazingly, simply... not right for each other.

So what does it mean to really love yourself? Above all else, loving yourself means that you feel complete when you're on your own. Not only is that an extremely gratifying place to be emotionally, but it's also a very alluring quality when it comes to romantic relationships. People don't feel like they have to be responsible for your life, because you are responsible for yourself. "So is that what men want, someone who loves themselves?" you ask. Who cares? It's time to figure out what you want. Loving yourself and feeling complete isn't about catching a man–that's an added bonus that comes later. Your emotional growth and well-being should start with you, not someone else, and it should be for you, not someone else.

And we'd both done a lot of work on ourselves. Not just the "I lost weight, do I look good in these pants?" variety, but the "Why do I end up in these [crappy] relationships?" kind. The kind where you try to look at your problems objectively and figure out what part you played in them, even if your part was just routinely showing up for a bad time. The cool thing about this kind of perspective is that it keeps you from being the victim. Victims blame others. But if you recognize the part you played, you can do something about it in the future to not get involved in a similar kind of situation, or at least see it for what it is before it's too late. So right now, it's time to take a closer look at you and take some responsibility. Not just for the things you might have done wrong, but also the things you've been doing right for so long that you–or he–refused to acknowledge. One of the great joys in life is getting to a place where you really actually like yourself. Not the idea of who you think you are, or who you want to become, but the imperfect, awesome, living soul reading this sentence right now. The only way to do any of this is by exploring you.

You're doing it right now. You're currently participating just by reading this book. It means you are taking action, looking for answers, moving away from the pain and in the right direction. You are a seeker. You have what many don't– the willingness to look, the willingness to listen, and the willingness to learn. So stop right there and applaud yourself, since we're not there to give you the standing ovation you deserve. Bravo to you Superfox Breakup Warrior! Keep on doing what you're doing!

=)

his right arm embraces me

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I was pleasantly surprised to discover that there was a husband site to the-generous-wife.com, appropriately named "the-generous-husband.com" =) After perusing the blog archive, I came across a great post with the sweetest comments from some generous-minded husbands -

http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2009/04/24/a-romantic-act-in-public-is-worth-several-in-private/

I always smiled over one older, newly married couple whose arms never left each others in the church I went to back home. It's sad that such demonstrations these days seem to beg the question "How long will that last?" So many star-struck lovers have sworn they would never let each other go, only to leave or let life tear them apart. No matter how long it may last, I love that this couple showcased their appreciation for what they had in each other, and the commitment behind those words. I wouldn't pretend to be above not returning a gesture of love someday, for reasons either petulant or innocuous, but if blessed with that opportunity I hope I catch myself first. And remember all the single girls who dream of having such an arm around them, all the wives whose husbands' arms have grasped them in violence, all the spouses who have lost their loved ones to war or tragedy... ♥

"His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me... His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires..."
Song of Solomon 2:6 & 5:14

romance

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Myths Men Have About Women (from Husbands and Wives by Kinder and Cowan)

Myth #1: Most women think friendship is the same as romance.

"Rachel, married 16 years, finds that when she tries to get close to Alex, her husband, he immediately thinks she wants to be romantic. 'He knows I do like being romantic, but I also want to be a friend to Alex. He is the one who confuses the two, and doesn't trust any suggestion I make. If I want to have a simple quiet weekend away, he thinks it means we're supposed to be gazing into each other's eyes over candlelit dinners. That's just not so.'"

I can sympathize with Rachel. I've been pegged as a write-me-poems-then-buy-me-flowers-chocolate-jewelry-and-you-BETTER-not-forget-my-birthday kind of girl, despite a lack of supporting evidence. While I love coming up with cute and clever gifts, things are not necessarily my idea of romance =)

Kinder and Cowan's advice:
"Alex needs to realize that much of Rachel's wish for closeness and interaction is a reflection of her desire for a richer friendship with him, not some devious plot to ensnare him in some cloying romantic interlude. Rachel should suggest very specific plans for a weekend outing that include a number of possible activities she and Alex could do together. Some men's discomfort with closeness and romance is elevated by vague, open-ended time spent. For such men, the more specific the plan, the greater the comfort and opportunity for warm, shared experiences."

While activities aren't exactly suggestible if one's significant other is an ocean apart in dangerous conditions, it is helpful to think about alternative methods of reassuring the romance-wary and candlelight-phobic =)

friends

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The book Husbands and Wives by Melvyn Kinder and Connell Cowan starts off "exploding" 15 common myths about marriage, with numero uno being the pervasive belief that matrimony is the key to making one feel complete and whole. The problems with this mindset are explored a little further in Chapter 8 as well, titled "When Husbands and Wives Become Friends":

"Generosity promotes friendship; excessive and unrealistic expectations deplete it. We often approach our mate with such strong security needs that the net impact is more often one of demanding rather than giving and caring. We expect friends to enjoy us, not complete us, and we don't expect to be at the center of their lives. Friendships grow out of freedom, not guilt."

This statement made me pause, having known friendships of the very same kind. These types of friends expect others to be what a husband or significant other would - their main source of companionship and security, a sort of second half who mirror all of their own convictions and personality/character traits. But reading that statement yesterday reminded me that really I don't, and hopefully never would, expect a partner to be all those things either.

"We like our friends for who they are, not for what we would like them to be. Just because we are married doesn't mean we have the license to mold our mate to our liking. Naturally, because friends are not living under the same roof day after day, it is much easier to be tolerant. Nevertheless, such acceptance is still a prerequisite for friendship."

A great reminder, although as a single woman I do try to keep in mind that this advice is for married couples, not dating couples. The point of dating is to make sure there are NOT major areas your significant other would need to change in order for the relationship to work. We should all know better than to think marriage the time to start on all the spousal overhauls we discovered were needed before tying the knot.

Marriage aside, utter sillyness may commence when a girl tries to go down the "just friends" road with a more than likeable guy. After some meandering contemplation, I feel it would be something akin to, say... giving a kid a top of the line, custom-built bicycle, under the condition that he must walk it, not ride it. The analogy isn't a perfect one, but imagine the inevitable pouting, confusion and frustration that would ensue as he takes the slow, humbling journey around the neighborhood; as all his friends wonder if something's wrong with him or the bike, as he worries someone else might jump on and run off with it, as he weighs the possibilities that the bike will be a bad fit, maybe the handling too stiff after all this time looking forward to finally racing it. But... in this trial of patience he will learn the bicycle's every curve, stripe, seam and link, evaluating them for strength and beauty and spotting any weaknesses that might trouble the adventures ahead. And surely he will appreciate all the more the long-awaited moment where his hands wrap around both bars, his foot swings over the side, and he settles back into the embrace of the seat...

But then, shouldn't he be content without a bike? Or maybe one less perfect? Aren't there enough sources of fulfillment and pleasure in this world to content him instead? Perhaps...

In debunking marriage myth #1, Husbands and Wives explains that as social beings, we all have a hunger for love and human contact - and marriage may go a long way toward satisfying that hunger. However if we feel insecure or depressed, we may automatically look to our spouse as the antidote to those negative feelings. Either we want our mate to solve the problem, or we secretly blame him or her for somehow not being loving enough, rich enough, sexual enough, not "something" enough.

So many have struggled with this myth at some point, in various forms. It's difficult when, especially from the vantage point of youthful love and romance, having someone to love and be loved by is a state of happiness that can make the benefits of singlehood pale in comparison. As one friend aptly stated, "Life is really an awesome adventure. But I believe it can be better if it's experienced together."

The challenge of finding that kind of friendship with a significant other, whether you're single or married is a daunting one. But no matter what I guess I'd rather risk disappointment, work harder and trust more, in the hope of an amazing ride down the road =)

his needs

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The tip of the day from the-generous-wife.com covered a topic I had actually been considering earlier this week. I was trying to guess at some of the not-so-obvious needs a future husband might have, in response to an exhortation from one of my recent reads - that we should assume our spouses think and feel differently than we do, instead of assuming they are on the same wavelength, and would understand or be affected by things the same way we are. I think a lot of potential hurt and frustration can be avoided by making this our first assumption before talking to your spouse. I really loved Lori's story -

"I had some dental work done today. It wasn't really that serious, but for some reason it really unnerved me, so I asked my husband to go and sit with me during the appointment. He didn't act impatient. He didn't make fun of me or treat me like I was being silly. He just loved me and took my need at face value. I felt truly blessed (and the ladies at the office thought he was funny and sweet, he has a lovely sense of humor and told them he was there to keep me from biting folks, I kid you not).
So as a tip idea ... take a similar attitude toward your husband. Not the biting part, ;-) the part about respecting your spouse and treating them and their needs with kindness and understanding. A need is a need is a need. Judging the value of your spouse's need is judging your spouse in a way. How kind it is to value them by valuing their needs (however silly the need may seem to you at the moment)."

I like how she said "He just loved me and took my need at face value." So often we think of love as a feeling to be measured at any one point in time, but Lori used the verb form here - he LOVED her (i.e. showed her love) by how he acted.

His response is pretty stunning actually, I don't know how many husbands would (or could) take the time to hold their wife's hand in the dentist chair, especially without trying to convince her she shouldn't worry about something so 'silly.' In my eyes he made an invaluable deposit by spending that hour with her, she's going to remember and appreciate that act for a long time. At least I will! =)

Lori ends her tips with a quote - today's was: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato

I think it was the book Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives, that really made me consider how couples can isolate each other, and end up viewing each other as opponents in the various issues that come up, instead of a team fighting against an environment that is ready and willing to tear them apart. There are so many factors that will push you towards isolation from each other, which makes the concept of "we" so important I think. Instead of saying "he's never here, he doesn't care to understand me, he probably looks at every other woman who walks by" maybe thinking about how you two are on the same side against these issues would help:

WE are fighting against a job or circumstances that takes him away for days or months at a time. WE are fighting against the inherent differences between how men and women show love, WE are fighting against all the women who would naturally think he's hot stuff and don't care if he's married.

Step onto his side of the line, and consider the 'we'ness of the concerns you are working with and adjust how you address them with your spouse. Marriages today are under attack more than ever, and you want to do everything possible to make sure you're in the foxhole together! =)

beauty

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10 years ago I wouldn't have gone to the MAILBOX without being fully armored from forehead to chin with makeup. And while I still often wish i was one of those girls who rolled out of bed looking just as fetching as I entered it, I've come a long way. At least we can all be thankful that the days where Wet N' Wild 507A lipstick was considered universally flattering are long gone ;o)

While taking care of yourself physically and making the best of your features is a welcome confidence booster for myself and many women, it can also make a girl wonder whether they'd be liked as much or treated just as well without out a little help from the makeup counter =\

I agree that women should be loved and respected al naturale, but I don't see gentlemen lining the streets for miss 'free to just be me' if her attitude shows a general unconcern for him. Even the Biblical Naomi encouraged Ruth to "wash and perfume yourself, and put on your best clothes" before setting off to track down Boaz at the threshing floor.

I was quite surprised to see someone declare that "being a woman has nothing to do with looking natural! its about looking hot!!!"

I have nothing against looking hot but I loved a quote that said you should see the woman before you see the makeup.

I was happy to run into this Q&A that discussed whether couples still found each other attractive and desirable after years of marriage. I think putting some care into your appearance to please each other is obviously important, especially when you read the discouragement of the few respondents who's spouses had given up all trying in this area, but good to know that the sparks aren't necessarily doomed to dim =)

View the link here - Yahoo Answers - To the married folks...do you still lust after your spouse?

his name

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It's funny how someone's name in your inbox can evoke an irresistible smile. There's that instant happiness knowing they've gotten in touch, but given time it mysteriously grows from there... some magical charm weaves its way into the very form of the letters and words that make up their name, till your eye treasures that singular combination and can't help but pause and appreciate any instance that graces its path =)

I found one such enchanted sweetheart who gushed:

"Seeing his name in my in-box is like dipping my heart in a box full of feathers. It’s Christmas morning every time my phone beeps notifying me of a new email from my Man. I GET CHRISTMAS MORNING 17 TIMES A DAY! It’s hard to describe this kind of happiness and glee. I’ve won’t grow tired of it, even if we approach a million emails exchanged between us. We are over a thousand deep already and still each one sparkles. I have to say it’s a very good thing for email, environmentally speaking as well, because a letter correspondence between us would have destroyed a small rain forest by now."

haha I don't know if men fall captive likewise, but I've always wondered if this phenomenon, and others of its kind, would sadly fade or disappear once the vows were made, rings exchanged, and contact not so rare... I hope his name really does never lose that sparkle for her =)

view her full post

the janitor

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from Girls Gone Mild
an interview with Lakita Garth

definitely makes you think twice!

"I'm president and CEO of my own company. All of my employees are men, and you know what? Pretty soon, hopefully, I'm going to have my own little office, maybe a little office building strip mall off somewhere, and I have to hire a janitor... and you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have some applications before you can even see my face. And then there's the interview process, when you sit across from my table in my office and my building. I want you to fill in an application with your full name, not "Mooky" or whatever alias you're going by this week; and I want all your telephone numbers, not just a cell or a pager. I want to see some previous work experience, I want to see if you have a criminal record, and as a matter of fact, I want some character references. I want you to write all that down, and that's just to clean my toilet, and most women don't have that much sense, to get a last name from guys who will take off all their clothes and have sex with them."

She turns the question of women's rights around: "In many ways, women got the opportunity to go out into the workplace and do a lot of different things, but in a lot of other ways we lost. Because free love met free from obligation, free from the commitment, free from intimacy, and free from any of the responsibilities. Really the freeing thing is for the men not the women, because the men got off the hook."

unfailing love

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I've been mulling over one of the quotes from Max Lucado's "Just Like Jesus" some more -

"Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance, and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love."

Like Rashida and her niece in Wendy Shalit's Girls Gone Mild, I've had a favorite 5 year old tell me I was her best friend, only to revoke that honor as soon as I didn't let them have their way haha.

We only find words like "Fine, I don't love you anymore" remotely cute and funny when they come from such childish lips and hearts, but as adults we are so often guilty of pulling the same thing when we don't get the response we we're hoping for, in the time we were expecting to.

But sometimes loved ones really do act in ways that deeply hurt, disappoint, and anger us and there is nothing fair or redeemable about it. Our "love banks" can be completely drained in an instant, and it can feel impossible to shell out what we don't have to give. I wish I had words and advice that would serve as more than just bandaids to comfort and heal their hurt. But as I struggled with discouragement this morning I was humbled and thankful to be reminded that we have a Healer, that His power to restore hearts is infinitely greater than mine. "He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds..."

And it is incredible to think - even when we fall short, disappoint, make messes, hurt others - HIS LOVE FOR US DOES NOT DECREASE. Would anyone question His right to love us less? We wouldn't fault any mistreated friend for feeling unloving, even while we encourage them where we can. We hear so much about His unending love and mercy, but I saw it from a renewed perspective this weekend...

My thoughts and prayers are with any of you struggling with hurt and disappointment tonight ♥

resolving conflict

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guidelines for resolving conflict (www.marriagemissions.com marriage message 48)

DISCUSS THE CONFLICT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. The old proverb, 'time heals all wounds' does not apply to conflicts in marriage. But the modern-day saying, 'timing is everything' does. When an irritating issue is unresolved, it builds emotional distance between you and your spouse. And just like a splinter, the issue gets under your skin and continues to fester until it is dealt with. When your spouse's behavior bothers you, make a decision to confront your mate as soon as possible. If the issue needs your undivided attention, choose a time when no one else is around -- even if you have to ask for a few minutes alone together." (Simon Presland, "How to Fight Fair")

TAKE IT PRIVATE AND KEEP IT PRIVATE. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally -- all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately." (Dr Phil McGraw, "How to Fight Fair")

AVOID PERSONAL INSULTS OR CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. 'Attacking your mate's character is the best way to make an enemy for life', says Pastor Luke. 'To avoid this, it is important to see the issue as the problem --not your spouse. This is how God deals with us. He tells us of his infinite acceptance, yet confronts us on issues that do not line up with his word.' Stay focused on the issue at hand. This will help you remain objective and express your thoughts clearly without alienating your spouse through personal attacks." (Simon Presland, "How to Fight Fair")

"Remind the people... to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men" (Titus 3:2). "If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other" (Galatians 5:15).

SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO TAKE A "TIME OUT." "Agree ahead of time to allow for a temporary 'time out' if either of you becomes too angry to continue." (Mart DeHaan, from article "Rules for Fair Fighting") "Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city" (Proverbs 16:32). "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control" (Proverbs 29:11).

KEEP IT RELEVANT. Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument." (Dr Phil McGraw) "In many marriages, confronting an issue is the gunpowder that ignites World War 3. Defenses kick in. Accusations fly. And by the time the smoke has cleared, spouses have bombed each other with everything that has happened since the day they were married. "When you decide to face an issue, don't allow yourself -- or your mate -- to drag in past hurts. Deal with one issue at a time. Make a rule between yourselves that if neither is willing to discuss a sore point as soon as it happens, then the issue cannot be used as ammunition for future fights." (Simon Presland, from article "How to Fight Fair")

BUILD RELATIONSHIP BRIDGES, NOT WALLS. "The goal of any disagreement should be to understand each other's feelings and strive toward an amiable compromise. With that goal in mind, let's consider ... Below-the-belt Tactics to Avoid: 1. Dragging others into the argument ('Well, my mom says...'); 2. Giving the silent treatment; 3. Yelling or crying to get your way; 4. Spewing destructive criticism ('You suck the joy out of everything!'; 5. Using sarcasm; 6. Issuing threats and ultimatums; 7. Getting defensive; 8. Using buzz words (always, never, hate, divorce); 9. Expecting him [or her] to read your mind." (Shannon Ethridge, "Fighting Fair")

CONFRONT TO HEAL, NOT TO WIN. Some people view conflict and confrontation as a win-lose situation. These spouses see being right as far more important than the marital relationship. But working out a hurtful issue is not about who's right and who's wrong. Your goal should be not to win, but to confront a conflict and restore the harmony in your relationship. Whenever possible, the solution to a problem should benefit both parties. When both spouses feel good about a resolution, it will reestablish the emotional bond between the two of you. Confronting to heal instead of to win will keep your marriage on healthy ground." (Simon Presland, "How to Fight Fair")

just like Jesus

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some takeaways from Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado

God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way.

If you think His love for you would be stronger if you faith were, you are wrong. If you think His love for you would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance, and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love.

When my daughter Jenna was a toddler, I used to take her to a park not far from our apartment. One day as she was playing in a sandbox, an ice-cream salesman approached us. I purchased her a treat, and when I turned to give it to her, I saw her mouth was full of sand. Where I intended to put a delicacy, she had put dirt.
Did I love her with dirt in her mouth? Absolutely. Was she any less my daughter with dirt in her mouth? Of course not. Was I going to allow her to keep the dirt in her mouth? No way. I loved her right where she was, but I refused to leave her there. I carried her over to the water fountain and washed out her mouth. Why? Because I love her.

God does the same for us. He holds us over the fountain. "Spit out the dirt, honey," our Father urges. "I've got something better for you." And so he cleanses us of filth: immorality, dishonesty, prejudice, bitterness, greed. We don't enjoy the cleansing; sometimes we even opt for the dirt over the ice cream. "I can eat dirt if I want to!" we pout and proclaim. Which is true—we can. But if we do, the loss is ours. God has a better offer. He wants us to be just like Jesus.

Isn't that good news? You aren't stuck with today's personality. You aren't condemned to "grumpydom." You are tweakable. Even if you've worried each day of your life, you needn't worry the rest of your life. So what if you were born a bigot? You don't have to die one. Where did we get the idea we can't change? From whence come statements such as, "It's just my nature to worry," or, "I'll always be pessimistic. I'm just that way," or, "I have a bad temper. I can't help the way I react"? Who says? Would we make similar statements about our bodies? "It's just my nature to have a broken leg. I can't do anything about it." Of course not. If our bodies malfunction, we seek help. Shouldn't we do the same with our hearts? Shouldn't we seek aid for our sour attitudes? Can't we request treatment for our selfish tirades? Of course we can. Jesus can change our hearts. He wants us to have a heart like his.

I looked for a Bible translation that reads, “Jesus washed all the disciples’ feet except the feet of Judas,” but I couldn’t find one. What a passionate moment when Jesus silently lifts the feet of His betrayer and washes them in the basin! Within hours the feet of Judas, cleansed by the kindness of the one he will betray, will stand in Caiaphas’s court. Behold the gift Jesus gave His followers! He knows what these men are about to do. He knows they are about to perform the vilest act of their lives. By morning they will bury their heads in shame and look down at their feet in disgust. And when they do, He wants them to remember how His knees knelt before them and He washes their feet. He wants them to realize those feet are still clean. “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but you will understand later” (John 13:7). Remarkable. He forgave their sin before they even committed it. He offered mercy before they even sought it.

So rather than spend time with God, listening,we'll let others spend time with him then benefit from their experience... You don’t do that with vacations do you? You don’t say, “Vacations are such a hassle, packing bags and traveling. I’m going send someone on vacation for me. When he returns, I’ll hear all about it and be spared all the inconveniences of traveling... No! You want that experience firsthand... You don’t say, “I’m in love with that wonderful person, but romance is such a hassle. I’m going to hire a surrogate lover to enjoy the romance in my place. I’ll hear all about it and be spared the inconvenience.” Who would do that? Perish the thought. You want the romance firsthand. You don’t want to miss a word or a date, and you certainly don’t want to miss the kiss right? Certain things no one can do for you.

a moment

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the thought that it is such an honor to have the responsibility of loving and caring for another person pops into my head all the time. naturally this is usually in the context of husbands and wives, but really the same is true of all our relationships. that we would be trusted with such a commission... worth pondering a moment =)

girls gone mild

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an excerpt from
Girls Gone Mild
Young Women Reclaim Self-Respect and Find It's Not Bad to Be Good
by Wendy Shalit

there is so much more to this book, i highly recommend reading at least chapter 1 here - http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/style/longterm/books/chap1/girlsgonemild.htm

For example, my neice, when she was three, she said, "Oh, Rashida, I love you, I love you, I love you, can I have a cookie?" And I said, "You can't have a cookie; it's eight AM!" So she said, "OK, then I don't love you no more! I want my mama and I want to go home!" I was like, "Wow, and she's only three." That's the kind of love people refer to, mostly, when they talk about love today.

Real love, she explains, was the love between her mother and father. When her mother would sigh and observe that there was no Ben & Jerry's ice cream in the freezer, "I would have just told her to dream about it, frankly, but my father, he would go out in the middle of the night to the 7-Eleven, and get her that Ben and Jerry's." Her father showed her that real love is about service to others, not manipulating another person to get what you want.


SUCH good stuff =)

all the days of her life

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I was just emailing a wonderful virtuous woman about my thoughts on proverbs 31 and I thought I'd share with everyone else =)

I was looking particularly at the "She will do him good and not evil all the days of HER life" verse. The HER stuck out to me, and I wondered why the psalmist didn't choose to put the word HIS there, I mean once he's dead and gone she doesn't have a husband to do good or evil to anymore right? But I think maybe we can surmise some good principles from that choice -

1) Her doing him good doesn't have a whole lot to do with what's going on with him. Her responsibility and character doesn't change whether he's having a great or miserable day, or being as loving and wonderful as he could or not. DISCLAIMER: there is NEVER a good reason to submit yourself to physical or emotional abuse, trust that as a child of God He cares too much about your welfare to force you to stay under such conditions. aside from those unfortunate situations, it's about who SHE is and wants to be, not him.

2) Even once he's passed on, she can still do him good or evil. She can still love and care for his (their) children and family, honor him and the good qualities he had to those around her (and still keep quiet about his faults), and be responsible with any possessions or business dealings etc. he left behind.

3) She will do him good ALL the days of HER life - so regardless of what's going on in her life, she will try do him good. That includes PMS days haha, tired of dealing with the kids days, and crazy mother-in-law days. Just some thoughts. Of course we're human and we fall short sometimes, but it's an admirable goal to live up to I think =)

marriage is not a mistake

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My thoughts on "The 7 Best Things Happy Couples Do...plus one" by John and Linda Friel

I stopped reading this a little over halfway through. despite the simplicity "7 best things" implies, the authors try to cram too many concepts into the book without clearly progressing from point to point.

I also didn't like the quotes the Friels used by a clinician named Salvador Minuchin - "And so you see, all marriages are mistakes, that then we spend time repairing; and some of us are more successful in repairing than others." They quote this in the introduction, and then again in one of the chapters with a small disclaimer that marriages aren't really mistakes. umm.. wasn't that the whole premise of Munuchin's statement? So if the authors do not consider marriages mistakes, it seems counterproductive to endorse a statement like that just to say, 'see everyone is repairing their relationships over time.'

Mistakes are made in marriages, but all marriages are not mistakes. Couples struggle enough to make their marriages work without being encouraged to use the excuse that it was just an oops to start. People may use poor judgement in choosing their spouse, but marriage isn't the problem. Let's try to set people up for success; that their marriage is something magical (something the authors themselves promote), and that by using some critical thinking and hard work they can prove it was the best non-mistake they ever made =)

date your mate

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from "Date Your Mate" by doug fields

I can think of 10 reasons for not getting out of bed in the morning, and another five for not filling up my car. I can make all the excuses I want to, but eventually the pressures of reality will force me into action. The urgency of life tells me I’d better get out of bed and get fuel in my car. Otherwise I’ll never make it to work, I’ll get myself fired, and I’ll end up without enough money for survival! I’m forced to do what I should, regardless of my excuses. That’s reality.

But as far as my marriage is concerned, the consequences of my excuses aren’t nearly as tangible or immediate. If I don’t take my wife out on Friday night, so what? Life will go on. I’ll still be employed. I’ll still be able to afford fuel. I’m not forced to make any special effort toward our relationship because there appears to be no urgency. I can continue not making deposits for a long time before my marriage account dries up. But you don’t need to be a rocket-scientist to figure out that this sort of attitude lies behind the rapid deterioration of marriages.

50 Creative Dating Ideas (as in, act like you're dating!)

1. Sketch your dream-house floor plan and talk about the possibilities for each room.


2. Write the story of how you met. Get it printed and bound.


3. List your spouse's best qualities in alphabetical order.


4. Tour a museum or art gallery.


5. Notice the little changes your spouse makes in his/her appearance.


6. Float on a raft together.


7. Take a stroll around the block -- and hold hands as you walk.


8. Stock the cupboards with food your spouse loves to eat. (But only if he or she isn't on a diet.)


9. Give your spouse a back rub.


10. Rent a classic love story video and watch it while cuddling.


11. Build a fire in the fireplace, turn out the lights and talk.


12. Take a horse-drawn carriage ride.


13. Go swimming in the middle of the night.


14. Write a poem for your spouse.


15. Remember to look into your spouse's eyes as he/she tells you about the day.


16. Tell your spouse, "I'm glad I married you!"


17. Hug your spouse from behind and give him/her a kiss on the back of the neck.


18. Stop in the middle of your busy day and talk to your spouse for 15 minutes.


19. Create your own special holiday.


20. Do something your spouse loves to do, even though it doesn't interest you.


21. Send your spouse a love letter.


22. Build a snowman together.


23. Watch the sunset together.


24. Sit on the same side or a restaurant booth.


25. Picnic by a pond.


26. Give your mate a foot massage.


27. Put together a puzzle on a rainy evening.


28. Take a moonlight canoe ride.


29. Tell your spouse, "I'd rather be here with you than any place in the world."


30. Whisper something romantic to your spouse in a crowded room.


31. Have a candlelight picnic in the backyard.


32. Perfume the bed sheets.


33. Serve breakfast in bed.


34. Reminisce through old photo albums.


35. Go away for the weekend.


36. Share a milkshake with two straws.


37. Kiss in the rain.


38. Brush his/her hair.


39. Ride the merry-go-round together.


40. Dedicate a song to her/him over the radio.


41. Wink and smile at your spouse from across the room.


42. Have a hot bubble bath ready for him/her at the end of the day.


43. Buy new satin sheets.


44. Tenderly touch your spouse as you pass one another around the house.


45. Reminisce about your first date.


46. Plant a tree together in honor of your marriage.


47. Go kite flying.


48. Attend a sporting event you've never been to together.


49. Take time to think about him/her during the day, then share those thoughts.


50. Drop everything and do something for the one you love -- right now!

will the REAL you please stand up? a review

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Will the REAL You Please Stand Up?: 7 Spiritual Strategies to Help You Discover Your Purpose and Live It with Passion by Fran Harris

An empowering book. A lot of the things Fran had to say hit home with me, but I disagreed with some major things too.

She seems to make some contradictory statements, first saying how great it was to go to college and have so much religious diversity ("like 31 flavors of baskin robins!"). Then she says "in college, before each game, we gathered in a circle and prayed to God. Not to the Christians' God. Not to the Muslims' Allah. Not to the Jews' God. Not to Jehovah. But to God. To Spirit. The Oneness that united us all."

Which seems to eliminate diversity, by consolidating all the flavors into the same "spirit" and "oneness."

She goes on to talk about the restrictions religion places on people, and how it doesn't matter how many times a day you pray or how many "hail marys" you say.

I happen to agree, I believe neither are necessarily indicators of your relationship or status with God, as are many of the rites and customs inflicted on religious people.

But what happened to her diversity? If we erase this part of the Catholic faith, and remove that part of the Muslim faith, and then just get rid of everything else that imposes (arguably) unnecessary rules and restrictions in all the different religions... then we end up all the same. No more celebrating our differences, no more need for tolerance, no more pluralism because we've all subscribed to one belief system now. For someone claiming to be a pluralist I just cant quite buy the flavor shes selling.

BUT. She encourages being the kind of person you want to attract, taking responsibility for your choices while accepting and "unleashing" your abilities and potential, and the importance of "blasting out" love instead of fear, anger, and criticism. I appreciate her insight and energy, and a lot of her points about breaking free from religious, social, and emotional untruths and pressures were right on. Sometimes her examples of things to let go of are rather odd, given their practical and necessary nature - paying your credit card debt, changing the oil in your car, watching your calories - but I appreciate her war-cry to change the things that are inhibiting you and replace them with faith, hard work, not depending on others to feel loved or to gain your sense of worth... good stuff. It's already helped me adjust the way I perceive and interact with others, how I respond to challenges, and how I go about attracting good things in my life.

gift ideas

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great gift ideas for special occasions or just because!

• get a map and put stars or hearts or pics of your faces on places you've been or would like to go together. you can wrap your present in a map (or use the same one) and write on the card or tag that they mean the world to you =)
  


• buy a mini-dictionary (dollar store) and highlight or circle all the words you can find that remind you of him, and write a little note next to each word. it takes quite a while to get through each letter so you can always do some then take turns filling out the rest.
  


• a can of their favorite nuts with a note that says "nuts about you"
  


• spray some of your perfume or cologne on a paper heart and put it in a little container for them to open; you can also do a stuffed animal or personalized pillow (you can try to find a online site for that) or whatever else you can think of to spray
  


• zazzle.com is a great site for personalizing things, a calender with pics of you, a photo key chain of you blowing a kiss, personal postcards. i've made magnets and aprons for other people
  


• decorate the inside of the box with stickers and quotes and notes and drawings
  


• mini photo flipbooks - i think you can create them from qoop.com, snapfish, kodak...
  


• becomeanmm.com - you can create mm characters that look like you and your loved one and save them (as images), take "photos" in the mm studio with your characters and save those, put your characters on t-shirts, mugs, key chains, postcards, etc. at zazzle since they're partners (trying to go right from the mm site to zazzle makes the characters look weird; i would download images of the characters and upload them to zazzle instead) you'll have to explore =)
  


• customize M&M's - you can pick the colors and write your own message and pick your own packaging at www.mymms.com
  


• fold up lots of pieces of colored paper with quotes on love, kissing, courage, faith, jokes, messages, drawings, etc. and fill up a chinese take-out box (dollar store) or other cute container (I've done a raisin container as a joke since my loved one hated them) for them to open every day/whenever they want to hear from you. i have a collection of quotes somewhere if anyone needs some =)
  


• create a personalized crossword puzzle (lots of online sites for that) and print it off for them to do, with stuff to guess at like nicknames, favorite foods or restaurants, birthday months, places you've been together, etc.
  


• a jigsaw puzzle out of a picture of you or you both (you'll have to look up sites for that)
  


• for food stuff you can do flavored drink mixes, their fav cereal, spices he likes, cake in a jar (http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Cake-in-a-Jar/Detail.aspx), weird or unusual snacks you find...
  


• lovingyou.com has some good stories and I've gotten ideas there, you just have to read through a lot of posts. here's a few of the good ones -
  


• get a package of confetti stars and sprinkle them in the present box (or card, anything) and write "when we first met/kissed/etc. i saw stars" =)
  


• if you're an artist or you know someone who is (or are willing to pay for it), get a picture of yourself and your loved one (together or separate) that you like and have it turned into a portrait sketch of you two together
  


• host a "Husband Appreciation" (or wife, girlfriend, boyfriend) night at your home. invite several couples, ask the one partner to keep the night's theme a secret from the other. the knowledgeable party should tell their significant other why they are appreciated and then show them by presenting them with something special and unique (or you could all get them the same thing). one idea: after telling your husband why you so greatly appreciate him, present him with a bouquet of home depot gift cards, (complete with baby's breath, greenery, and a bow)! buy a large arrangement of artificial roses, remove the flowers from some of the stems, and hot glue the gift cards. the possibilities are endless for both the party and presents =)
  


• if you or someone you know sings, write a song and get it recorded (as professionally as possible). as a bonus, call or go to your favorite radio station and beg (if needed) for them to play it and make sure your loved one turns the radio on!
  


• from lovingyou.com - "My man wears polo shirts to work which have the name of his company embroidered over his heart. So, I went to a uniform shop and bought an identical shirt and had the words "Kelly Loves Me" embroidered in the same style as the business name on his work shirts. I made sure it was the only shirt hanging in his wardrobe on the morning of our one year anniversary. Being a creature of habit, he put it on without noticing anything unusual, until he got to work and people started making comments. His workmates loved it and he felt very special. Now he regularly wears it to work!"
  


• "The week before we were together for 500 days, I told him that I was going to take him out to dinner that weekend for a special celebration. Then, all week, I just kept talking about how excited I was, which, in turn, got him excited. On our 500th day anniversary I picked him up. Waiting on my car seat was a medium sized glass jar/container that I filled with 500 pennies. Inside the container was a heart shaped note that read: "Find a penny pick it up; all day long you'll have good luck!" I then wrote how these past 500 days I have felt so lucky that it has been as if I found a penny every day."
  


• buy a bath towel (the really nice big ones) and some embroidery thread and sew a life-size stick figure of you with your arms out so that every time your loved ones dries himself off it'll be like getting a hug from you =)
  


• if anything you buy happens to have a key, write a note with it that says “You have the key to my heart.”
  


• if your loved one would like a new watch (or you just want to buy a silly cheapo one), put in a note saying "I will love you until the end of time.”
  

hope that helps! =)

for the martians

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Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Here's an excerpt for the Martians, feel free to pass it along to any Martians you feel might benefit by it. Or to your Venusian friends who may discover how many things on the list their husbands ARE already doing!

A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does something very big for her. This formula doesn’t work because women keep score differently. When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift [or act] of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. Women need many expressions of love in a relationship to feel loved. One or two expressions of love, no matter how important, will not, and cannot, fulfill her.

101 Ways a Man Can Score Points with a Woman

1. Upon returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.


2. Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do (e.g., "How did the appointment with the doctor go?").


3. Practice listening and asking questions.


4. Resist the temptation to solve the problems - empathize instead.


5. Give her twenty minutes of unsolicited, quality attention (don't read the newspaper or be distracted by anything else during this time).


6. Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions.


7. Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.


8. If she generally makes dinner or if it is her turn and she seems tired or busy, offer to make dinner.


9. Compliment her on how she looks.


10. Validate her feelings when she is upset.


11. Offer to help her when she is tired.


12. Schedule extra time when traveling so that she doesn't have to rush.


13. When you are going to be late, call her and let her know.


14. When she asks for support, say yes or no without making her wrong for asking.


15. Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her "I'm sorry you feel hurt." Then be silent; let her feel your understanding of her hurt. Don't offer solutions or explanations why her hurt is not your fault.


16. Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need some time to think about things.


17. When you've cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful, nonblaming way, so she doesn't imagine the worst.


18. Offer to build a fire in wintertime.


19. When she talks to you, put down the magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention.


20. If she usually washes the dishes, occasionally offer to wash the dishes, especially if she is tired that day.


21. Notice when she is upset or tired and ask what she has to do. Then offer to help by doing a few of her "to do" items.


22. When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up.


23. Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave.


24. Give her four hugs a day.


25. Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her "I love you."


26. Tell her "I love you" at least a couple of times every day.


27. Make the bed and clean up the bedroom.


28. If she washes her socks, turn your socks right side out so she doesn't have to.


29. Notice when the tray is full and offer to empty it.


30. When you are out of town, call to leave a telephone number where you can be reached and to let her know you arrived safely.


31. Wash her car.


32. Wash your car and clean up the interior before a date with her.


33. Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that.


34. Take her side when she is upset with someone.


35. Offer to give her a back or neck or foot massage (or all three).


36. Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual.


37. Be patient when she is sharing. Don't look at your watch.


38. Don't flick the remote control to different channels when she is watching TV with you.


39. Display affection in public.


40. When holding hands don't let your hand go limp.


41. Learn her favorite drinks so you can offer her a choice of the ones that you know she already likes.


42. Suggest different restaurants for going out; don't put the burden of figuring out where to go on her.


43. Get season tickets for the theatre, symphony, opera, ballet or some other type of performance


44. Create occasions when you both can dress up.


45. Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit.


46. Pay more attention to her than to others in public.


47. Make her more important the children. Let the children see her getting your attention first and foremost.


48. Buy her little presents - like a small box of chocolates or perfume.


49. Buy her an outfit (take a picture of your partner along with her sizes to the store and let them help you select it).


50. Take pictures of her on special occasions.


51. Take short romantic getaways.


52. Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it from time to time.


53. When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special, like a bottle of champagne or sparkling apple juice or flowers.


54. Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays.


55. Offer to drive the car on long trips.


56. Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat.


57. Notice how she is feeling and comment on it - "You look happy today" or "You look tired" - and then ask question like "How was your day?"


58. When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate.


59. Take her dancing or take dancing lessons together.


60. Surprise her with a love note or poem.


61. Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship.


62. Offer to fix something around the house. Say "What needs to be fixed around here? I have some extra time." Don't take on more than you can do.


63. Offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen.


64. Buy some good Super Glue to fix things that are broken.


65. Offer to change light bulbs as soon as they go out.


66. Help with recycling the trash.


67. Read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her.


68. Write out neatly any phone messages you may take for her.


69. Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry it after taking a shower.


70. Open the door for her.


71. Offer to carry the groceries.


72. Offer to carry heavy boxes for her.


73. On trips, handle the luggage and be responsible for packing it in the car.


74. If she washes the dishes or it is her turn, offer to help scrub pots or other difficult tasks.


75. Make a "to fix" list and leave it in the kitchen. When you have extra time do something on that list for her. Don't let it get too long.


76. When she prepares a meal, compliment her cooking.


77. When listening to her talk, use eye contact.


78. Touch her with your hand sometimes when you talk to her.


79. Show interest in what she does during the day, in the books she reads and the people she relates to.


80. When listening to her, reassure her that you are interested by making little noises like ah ha, uh-huh, oh, mmhuh, and hmmmm.


81. Ask her how she is feeling.


82. If she has been sick in some way, ask for an update and ask how she is doing or feeling.


83. If she is tired offer to make her some tea.


84. Get ready to get to sleep together and get in bed at the same time.


85. Give her a kiss and say good-bye when you leave.


86. Laugh at her jokes and humor.


87. Verbally say thank you when she does things for you.


88. Notice when she gets her hair done and give a reassuring compliment.


89. Create special time to be alone together.


90. Don't answer the phone at intimate moments or if she is sharing vulnerable feelings.


91. Go bicycling together, even if it's just a short ride.


92. Organize and prepare a picnic. (Remember to bring a picnic cloth.)


93. If she handles the laundry, bring the clothes to the cleaners or offer to do the wash.


94. Take her for a walk without the children.


95. Negotiate in a manner that shows her that you want her to get what she wants and you also want what you want. Be caring, but don't be a martyr.


96. Let her know that you missed her when you went away.


97. Bring home her favorite pie or dessert.


98. If she normally shops for the food, offer to do the food shopping.


99. Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don't become stuffed and tired later.


100. Ask her to add her thoughts to this list.


101. Leave the bathroom seat down.

=)