Snippets for Life: June 2009

Thursday, June 25, 2009

his needs

The tip of the day from the-generous-wife.com covered a topic I had actually been considering earlier this week. I was trying to guess at some of the not-so-obvious needs a future husband might have, in response to an exhortation from one of my recent reads - that we should assume our spouses think and feel differently than we do, instead of assuming they are on the same wavelength, and would understand or be affected by things the same way we are. I think a lot of potential hurt and frustration can be avoided by making this our first assumption before talking to your spouse. I really loved Lori's story -

"I had some dental work done today. It wasn't really that serious, but for some reason it really unnerved me, so I asked my husband to go and sit with me during the appointment. He didn't act impatient. He didn't make fun of me or treat me like I was being silly. He just loved me and took my need at face value. I felt truly blessed (and the ladies at the office thought he was funny and sweet, he has a lovely sense of humor and told them he was there to keep me from biting folks, I kid you not).
So as a tip idea ... take a similar attitude toward your husband. Not the biting part, ;-) the part about respecting your spouse and treating them and their needs with kindness and understanding. A need is a need is a need. Judging the value of your spouse's need is judging your spouse in a way. How kind it is to value them by valuing their needs (however silly the need may seem to you at the moment)."

I like how she said "He just loved me and took my need at face value." So often we think of love as a feeling to be measured at any one point in time, but Lori used the verb form here - he LOVED her (i.e. showed her love) by how he acted.

His response is pretty stunning actually, I don't know how many husbands would (or could) take the time to hold their wife's hand in the dentist chair, especially without trying to convince her she shouldn't worry about something so 'silly.' In my eyes he made an invaluable deposit by spending that hour with her, she's going to remember and appreciate that act for a long time. At least I will! =)

Lori ends her tips with a quote - today's was: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato

I think it was the book Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives, that really made me consider how couples can isolate each other, and end up viewing each other as opponents in the various issues that come up, instead of a team fighting against an environment that is ready and willing to tear them apart. There are so many factors that will push you towards isolation from each other, which makes the concept of "we" so important I think. Instead of saying "he's never here, he doesn't care to understand me, he probably looks at every other woman who walks by" maybe thinking about how you two are on the same side against these issues would help:

WE are fighting against a job or circumstances that takes him away for days or months at a time. WE are fighting against the inherent differences between how men and women show love, WE are fighting against all the women who would naturally think he's hot stuff and don't care if he's married.

Step onto his side of the line, and consider the 'we'ness of the concerns you are working with and adjust how you address them with your spouse. Marriages today are under attack more than ever, and you want to do everything possible to make sure you're in the foxhole together! =)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

beauty

10 years ago I wouldn't have gone to the MAILBOX without being fully armored from forehead to chin with makeup. And while I still often wish i was one of those girls who rolled out of bed looking just as fetching as I entered it, I've come a long way. At least we can all be thankful that the days where Wet N' Wild 507A lipstick was considered universally flattering are long gone ;o)

While taking care of yourself physically and making the best of your features is a welcome confidence booster for myself and many women, it can also make a girl wonder whether they'd be liked as much or treated just as well without out a little help from the makeup counter =\

I agree that women should be loved and respected al naturale, but I don't see gentlemen lining the streets for miss 'free to just be me' if her attitude shows a general unconcern for him. Even the Biblical Naomi encouraged Ruth to "wash and perfume yourself, and put on your best clothes" before setting off to track down Boaz at the threshing floor.

I was quite surprised to see someone declare that "being a woman has nothing to do with looking natural! its about looking hot!!!"

I have nothing against looking hot but I loved a quote that said you should see the woman before you see the makeup.

I was happy to run into this Q&A that discussed whether couples still found each other attractive and desirable after years of marriage. I think putting some care into your appearance to please each other is obviously important, especially when you read the discouragement of the few respondents who's spouses had given up all trying in this area, but good to know that the sparks aren't necessarily doomed to dim =)

View the link here - Yahoo Answers - To the married folks...do you still lust after your spouse?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

his name

It's funny how someone's name in your inbox can evoke an irresistible smile. There's that instant happiness knowing they've gotten in touch, but given time it mysteriously grows from there... some magical charm weaves its way into the very form of the letters and words that make up their name, till your eye treasures that singular combination and can't help but pause and appreciate any instance that graces its path =)

I found one such enchanted sweetheart who gushed:

"Seeing his name in my in-box is like dipping my heart in a box full of feathers. It’s Christmas morning every time my phone beeps notifying me of a new email from my Man. I GET CHRISTMAS MORNING 17 TIMES A DAY! It’s hard to describe this kind of happiness and glee. I’ve won’t grow tired of it, even if we approach a million emails exchanged between us. We are over a thousand deep already and still each one sparkles. I have to say it’s a very good thing for email, environmentally speaking as well, because a letter correspondence between us would have destroyed a small rain forest by now."

haha I don't know if men fall captive likewise, but I've always wondered if this phenomenon, and others of its kind, would sadly fade or disappear once the vows were made, rings exchanged, and contact not so rare... I hope his name really does never lose that sparkle for her =)

view her full post

Monday, June 22, 2009

the janitor

from Girls Gone Mild
an interview with Lakita Garth

definitely makes you think twice!

"I'm president and CEO of my own company. All of my employees are men, and you know what? Pretty soon, hopefully, I'm going to have my own little office, maybe a little office building strip mall off somewhere, and I have to hire a janitor... and you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have some applications before you can even see my face. And then there's the interview process, when you sit across from my table in my office and my building. I want you to fill in an application with your full name, not "Mooky" or whatever alias you're going by this week; and I want all your telephone numbers, not just a cell or a pager. I want to see some previous work experience, I want to see if you have a criminal record, and as a matter of fact, I want some character references. I want you to write all that down, and that's just to clean my toilet, and most women don't have that much sense, to get a last name from guys who will take off all their clothes and have sex with them."

She turns the question of women's rights around: "In many ways, women got the opportunity to go out into the workplace and do a lot of different things, but in a lot of other ways we lost. Because free love met free from obligation, free from the commitment, free from intimacy, and free from any of the responsibilities. Really the freeing thing is for the men not the women, because the men got off the hook."

Sunday, June 21, 2009

unfailing love

I've been mulling over one of the quotes from Max Lucado's "Just Like Jesus" some more -

"Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance, and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love."

Like Rashida and her niece in Wendy Shalit's Girls Gone Mild, I've had a favorite 5 year old tell me I was her best friend, only to revoke that honor as soon as I didn't let them have their way haha.

We only find words like "Fine, I don't love you anymore" remotely cute and funny when they come from such childish lips and hearts, but as adults we are so often guilty of pulling the same thing when we don't get the response we we're hoping for, in the time we were expecting to.

But sometimes loved ones really do act in ways that deeply hurt, disappoint, and anger us and there is nothing fair or redeemable about it. Our "love banks" can be completely drained in an instant, and it can feel impossible to shell out what we don't have to give. I wish I had words and advice that would serve as more than just bandaids to comfort and heal their hurt. But as I struggled with discouragement this morning I was humbled and thankful to be reminded that we have a Healer, that His power to restore hearts is infinitely greater than mine. "He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds..."

And it is incredible to think - even when we fall short, disappoint, make messes, hurt others - HIS LOVE FOR US DOES NOT DECREASE. Would anyone question His right to love us less? We wouldn't fault any mistreated friend for feeling unloving, even while we encourage them where we can. We hear so much about His unending love and mercy, but I saw it from a renewed perspective this weekend...

My thoughts and prayers are with any of you struggling with hurt and disappointment tonight ♥

resolving conflict

guidelines for resolving conflict (www.marriagemissions.com marriage message 48)

DISCUSS THE CONFLICT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. The old proverb, 'time heals all wounds' does not apply to conflicts in marriage. But the modern-day saying, 'timing is everything' does. When an irritating issue is unresolved, it builds emotional distance between you and your spouse. And just like a splinter, the issue gets under your skin and continues to fester until it is dealt with. When your spouse's behavior bothers you, make a decision to confront your mate as soon as possible. If the issue needs your undivided attention, choose a time when no one else is around -- even if you have to ask for a few minutes alone together." (Simon Presland, "How to Fight Fair")

TAKE IT PRIVATE AND KEEP IT PRIVATE. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally -- all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately." (Dr Phil McGraw, "How to Fight Fair")

AVOID PERSONAL INSULTS OR CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. 'Attacking your mate's character is the best way to make an enemy for life', says Pastor Luke. 'To avoid this, it is important to see the issue as the problem --not your spouse. This is how God deals with us. He tells us of his infinite acceptance, yet confronts us on issues that do not line up with his word.' Stay focused on the issue at hand. This will help you remain objective and express your thoughts clearly without alienating your spouse through personal attacks." (Simon Presland, "How to Fight Fair")

"Remind the people... to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men" (Titus 3:2). "If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other" (Galatians 5:15).

SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO TAKE A "TIME OUT." "Agree ahead of time to allow for a temporary 'time out' if either of you becomes too angry to continue." (Mart DeHaan, from article "Rules for Fair Fighting") "Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city" (Proverbs 16:32). "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control" (Proverbs 29:11).

KEEP IT RELEVANT. Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument." (Dr Phil McGraw) "In many marriages, confronting an issue is the gunpowder that ignites World War 3. Defenses kick in. Accusations fly. And by the time the smoke has cleared, spouses have bombed each other with everything that has happened since the day they were married. "When you decide to face an issue, don't allow yourself -- or your mate -- to drag in past hurts. Deal with one issue at a time. Make a rule between yourselves that if neither is willing to discuss a sore point as soon as it happens, then the issue cannot be used as ammunition for future fights." (Simon Presland, from article "How to Fight Fair")

BUILD RELATIONSHIP BRIDGES, NOT WALLS. "The goal of any disagreement should be to understand each other's feelings and strive toward an amiable compromise. With that goal in mind, let's consider ... Below-the-belt Tactics to Avoid: 1. Dragging others into the argument ('Well, my mom says...'); 2. Giving the silent treatment; 3. Yelling or crying to get your way; 4. Spewing destructive criticism ('You suck the joy out of everything!'; 5. Using sarcasm; 6. Issuing threats and ultimatums; 7. Getting defensive; 8. Using buzz words (always, never, hate, divorce); 9. Expecting him [or her] to read your mind." (Shannon Ethridge, "Fighting Fair")

CONFRONT TO HEAL, NOT TO WIN. Some people view conflict and confrontation as a win-lose situation. These spouses see being right as far more important than the marital relationship. But working out a hurtful issue is not about who's right and who's wrong. Your goal should be not to win, but to confront a conflict and restore the harmony in your relationship. Whenever possible, the solution to a problem should benefit both parties. When both spouses feel good about a resolution, it will reestablish the emotional bond between the two of you. Confronting to heal instead of to win will keep your marriage on healthy ground." (Simon Presland, "How to Fight Fair")

Saturday, June 20, 2009

just like Jesus

some takeaways from Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado

God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way.

If you think His love for you would be stronger if you faith were, you are wrong. If you think His love for you would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don't confuse God's love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance, and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love.

When my daughter Jenna was a toddler, I used to take her to a park not far from our apartment. One day as she was playing in a sandbox, an ice-cream salesman approached us. I purchased her a treat, and when I turned to give it to her, I saw her mouth was full of sand. Where I intended to put a delicacy, she had put dirt.
Did I love her with dirt in her mouth? Absolutely. Was she any less my daughter with dirt in her mouth? Of course not. Was I going to allow her to keep the dirt in her mouth? No way. I loved her right where she was, but I refused to leave her there. I carried her over to the water fountain and washed out her mouth. Why? Because I love her.

God does the same for us. He holds us over the fountain. "Spit out the dirt, honey," our Father urges. "I've got something better for you." And so he cleanses us of filth: immorality, dishonesty, prejudice, bitterness, greed. We don't enjoy the cleansing; sometimes we even opt for the dirt over the ice cream. "I can eat dirt if I want to!" we pout and proclaim. Which is true—we can. But if we do, the loss is ours. God has a better offer. He wants us to be just like Jesus.

Isn't that good news? You aren't stuck with today's personality. You aren't condemned to "grumpydom." You are tweakable. Even if you've worried each day of your life, you needn't worry the rest of your life. So what if you were born a bigot? You don't have to die one. Where did we get the idea we can't change? From whence come statements such as, "It's just my nature to worry," or, "I'll always be pessimistic. I'm just that way," or, "I have a bad temper. I can't help the way I react"? Who says? Would we make similar statements about our bodies? "It's just my nature to have a broken leg. I can't do anything about it." Of course not. If our bodies malfunction, we seek help. Shouldn't we do the same with our hearts? Shouldn't we seek aid for our sour attitudes? Can't we request treatment for our selfish tirades? Of course we can. Jesus can change our hearts. He wants us to have a heart like his.

I looked for a Bible translation that reads, “Jesus washed all the disciples’ feet except the feet of Judas,” but I couldn’t find one. What a passionate moment when Jesus silently lifts the feet of His betrayer and washes them in the basin! Within hours the feet of Judas, cleansed by the kindness of the one he will betray, will stand in Caiaphas’s court. Behold the gift Jesus gave His followers! He knows what these men are about to do. He knows they are about to perform the vilest act of their lives. By morning they will bury their heads in shame and look down at their feet in disgust. And when they do, He wants them to remember how His knees knelt before them and He washes their feet. He wants them to realize those feet are still clean. “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but you will understand later” (John 13:7). Remarkable. He forgave their sin before they even committed it. He offered mercy before they even sought it.

So rather than spend time with God, listening,we'll let others spend time with him then benefit from their experience... You don’t do that with vacations do you? You don’t say, “Vacations are such a hassle, packing bags and traveling. I’m going send someone on vacation for me. When he returns, I’ll hear all about it and be spared all the inconveniences of traveling... No! You want that experience firsthand... You don’t say, “I’m in love with that wonderful person, but romance is such a hassle. I’m going to hire a surrogate lover to enjoy the romance in my place. I’ll hear all about it and be spared the inconvenience.” Who would do that? Perish the thought. You want the romance firsthand. You don’t want to miss a word or a date, and you certainly don’t want to miss the kiss right? Certain things no one can do for you.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

a moment

the thought that it is such an honor to have the responsibility of loving and caring for another person pops into my head all the time. naturally this is usually in the context of husbands and wives, but really the same is true of all our relationships. that we would be trusted with such a commission... worth pondering a moment =)

girls gone mild

an excerpt from
Girls Gone Mild
Young Women Reclaim Self-Respect and Find It's Not Bad to Be Good
by Wendy Shalit

there is so much more to this book, i highly recommend reading at least chapter 1 here - http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/style/longterm/books/chap1/girlsgonemild.htm

For example, my neice, when she was three, she said, "Oh, Rashida, I love you, I love you, I love you, can I have a cookie?" And I said, "You can't have a cookie; it's eight AM!" So she said, "OK, then I don't love you no more! I want my mama and I want to go home!" I was like, "Wow, and she's only three." That's the kind of love people refer to, mostly, when they talk about love today.

Real love, she explains, was the love between her mother and father. When her mother would sigh and observe that there was no Ben & Jerry's ice cream in the freezer, "I would have just told her to dream about it, frankly, but my father, he would go out in the middle of the night to the 7-Eleven, and get her that Ben and Jerry's." Her father showed her that real love is about service to others, not manipulating another person to get what you want.

SUCH good stuff =)

all the days of her life

I was just emailing a wonderful virtuous woman about my thoughts on proverbs 31 and I thought I'd share with everyone else =)

I was looking particularly at the "She will do him good and not evil all the days of HER life" verse. The HER stuck out to me, and I wondered why the psalmist didn't choose to put the word HIS there, I mean once he's dead and gone she doesn't have a husband to do good or evil to anymore right? But I think maybe we can surmise some good principles from that choice -

1) Her doing him good doesn't have a whole lot to do with what's going on with him. Her responsibility and character doesn't change whether he's having a great or miserable day, or being as loving and wonderful as he could or not. DISCLAIMER: there is NEVER a good reason to submit yourself to physical or emotional abuse, trust that as a child of God He cares too much about your welfare to force you to stay under such conditions. aside from those unfortunate situations, it's about who SHE is and wants to be, not him.

2) Even once he's passed on, she can still do him good or evil. She can still love and care for his (their) children and family, honor him and the good qualities he had to those around her (and still keep quiet about his faults), and be responsible with any possessions or business dealings etc. he left behind.

3) She will do him good ALL the days of HER life - so regardless of what's going on in her life, she will try do him good. That includes PMS days haha, tired of dealing with the kids days, and crazy mother-in-law days. Just some thoughts. Of course we're human and we fall short sometimes, but it's an admirable goal to live up to I think =)

marriage is not a mistake

My thoughts on "The 7 Best Things Happy Couples Do...plus one" by John and Linda Friel

I stopped reading this a little over halfway through. despite the simplicity "7 best things" implies, the authors try to cram too many concepts into the book without clearly progressing from point to point.

I also didn't like the quotes the Friels used by a clinician named Salvador Minuchin - "And so you see, all marriages are mistakes, that then we spend time repairing; and some of us are more successful in repairing than others." They quote this in the introduction, and then again in one of the chapters with a small disclaimer that marriages aren't really mistakes. umm.. wasn't that the whole premise of Munuchin's statement? So if the authors do not consider marriages mistakes, it seems counterproductive to endorse a statement like that just to say, 'see everyone is repairing their relationships over time.'

Mistakes are made in marriages, but all marriages are not mistakes. Couples struggle enough to make their marriages work without being encouraged to use the excuse that it was just an oops to start. People may use poor judgement in choosing their spouse, but marriage isn't the problem. Let's try to set people up for success; that their marriage is something magical (something the authors themselves promote), and that by using some critical thinking and hard work they can prove it was the best non-mistake they ever made =)

date your mate

from "Date Your Mate" by doug fields

I can think of 10 reasons for not getting out of bed in the morning, and another five for not filling up my car. I can make all the excuses I want to, but eventually the pressures of reality will force me into action. The urgency of life tells me I’d better get out of bed and get fuel in my car. Otherwise I’ll never make it to work, I’ll get myself fired, and I’ll end up without enough money for survival! I’m forced to do what I should, regardless of my excuses. That’s reality.

But as far as my marriage is concerned, the consequences of my excuses aren’t nearly as tangible or immediate. If I don’t take my wife out on Friday night, so what? Life will go on. I’ll still be employed. I’ll still be able to afford fuel. I’m not forced to make any special effort toward our relationship because there appears to be no urgency. I can continue not making deposits for a long time before my marriage account dries up. But you don’t need to be a rocket-scientist to figure out that this sort of attitude lies behind the rapid deterioration of marriages.

50 Creative Dating Ideas (as in, act like you're dating!)

Sketch your dream-house floor plan and talk about the possibilities for each room.

Write the story of how you met. Get it printed and bound.

List your spouse's best qualities in alphabetical order.

Tour a museum or art gallery.

Notice the little changes your spouse makes in his/her appearance.

Float on a raft together.

Take a stroll around the block -- and hold hands as you walk.

Stock the cupboards with food your spouse loves to eat. (But only if he or she isn't on a diet.)

Give your spouse a back rub.

Rent a classic love story video and watch it while cuddling.

Build a fire in the fireplace, turn out the lights and talk.

Take a horse-drawn carriage ride.

Go swimming in the middle of the night.

Write a poem for your spouse.

Remember to look into your spouse's eyes as he/she tells you about the day.

Tell your spouse, "I'm glad I married you!"

Hug your spouse from behind and give him/her a kiss on the back of the neck.

Stop in the middle of your busy day and talk to your spouse for 15 minutes.

Create your own special holiday.

Do something your spouse loves to do, even though it doesn't interest you.

Send your spouse a love letter.

Build a snowman together.

Watch the sunset together.

Sit on the same side or a restaurant booth.

Picnic by a pond.

Give your mate a foot massage.

Put together a puzzle on a rainy evening.

Take a moonlight canoe ride.

Tell your spouse, "I'd rather be here with you than any place in the world."

Whisper something romantic to your spouse in a crowded room.

Have a candlelight picnic in the backyard.

Perfume the bed sheets.

Serve breakfast in bed.

Reminisce through old photo albums.

Go away for the weekend.

Share a milkshake with two straws.

Kiss in the rain.

Brush his/her hair.

Ride the merry-go-round together.

Dedicate a song to her/him over the radio.

Wink and smile at your spouse from across the room.

Have a hot bubble bath ready for him/her at the end of the day.

Buy new satin sheets.

Tenderly touch your spouse as you pass one another around the house.

Reminisce about your first date.

Plant a tree together in honor of your marriage.

Go kite flying.

Attend a sporting event you've never been to together.

Take time to think about him/her during the day, then share those thoughts.

Drop everything and do something for the one you love -- right now!

will the REAL you please stand up? a review

Will the REAL You Please Stand Up?: 7 Spiritual Strategies to Help You Discover Your Purpose and Live It with Passion by Fran Harris

An empowering book. A lot of the things Fran had to say hit home with me, but I disagreed with some major things too.

She seems to make some contradictory statements, first saying how great it was to go to college and have so much religious diversity ("like 31 flavors of baskin robins!"). Then she says "in college, before each game, we gathered in a circle and prayed to God. Not to the Christians' God. Not to the Muslims' Allah. Not to the Jews' God. Not to Jehovah. But to God. To Spirit. The Oneness that united us all."

Which seems to eliminate diversity, by consolidating all the flavors into the same "spirit" and "oneness."

She goes on to talk about the restrictions religion places on people, and how it doesn't matter how many times a day you pray or how many "hail marys" you say.

I happen to agree, I believe neither are necessarily indicators of your relationship or status with God, as are many of the rites and customs inflicted on religious people.

But what happened to her diversity? If we erase this part of the Catholic faith, and remove that part of the Muslim faith, and then just get rid of everything else that imposes (arguably) unnecessary rules and restrictions in all the different religions... then we end up all the same. No more celebrating our differences, no more need for tolerance, no more pluralism because we've all subscribed to one belief system now. For someone claiming to be a pluralist I just cant quite buy the flavor shes selling.

BUT. She encourages being the kind of person you want to attract, taking responsibility for your choices while accepting and "unleashing" your abilities and potential, and the importance of "blasting out" love instead of fear, anger, and criticism. I appreciate her insight and energy, and a lot of her points about breaking free from religious, social, and emotional untruths and pressures were right on. Sometimes her examples of things to let go of are rather odd, given their practical and necessary nature - paying your credit card debt, changing the oil in your car, watching your calories - but I appreciate her war-cry to change the things that are inhibiting you and replace them with faith, hard work, not depending on others to feel loved or to gain your sense of worth... good stuff. It's already helped me adjust the way I perceive and interact with others, how I respond to challenges, and how I go about attracting good things in my life.

gift ideas

great gift ideas for special occasions or just because!

get a map and put stars or hearts or pics of your faces on places you've been or would like to go together. you can wrap your present in a map (or use the same one) and write on the card or tag that they mean the world to you =)

buy a mini-dictionary (dollar store) and highlight or circle all the words you can find that remind you of him, and write a little note next to each word. it takes quite a while to get through each letter so you can always do some then take turns filling out the rest.

a can of their favorite nuts with a note that says "nuts about you"

spray some of your perfume or cologne on a paper heart and put it in a little container for them to open; you can also do a stuffed animal or personalized pillow (you can try to find a online site for that) or whatever else you can think of to spray

zazzle.com is a great site for personalizing things, a calender with pics of you, a photo key chain of you blowing a kiss, personal postcards. i've made magnets and aprons for other people

decorate the inside of the box with stickers and quotes and notes and drawings

mini photo flipbooks - i think you can create them from qoop.com, snapfish, kodak...

becomeanmm.com - you can create mm characters that look like you and your loved one and save them (as images), take "photos" in the mm studio with your characters and save those, put your characters on t-shirts, mugs, key chains, postcards, etc. at zazzle since they're partners (trying to go right from the mm site to zazzle makes the characters look weird; i would download images of the characters and upload them to zazzle instead) you'll have to explore =)

customize M&M's - you can pick the colors and write your own message and pick your own packaging at www.mymms.com

fold up lots of pieces of colored paper with quotes on love, kissing, courage, faith, jokes, messages, drawings, etc. and fill up a chinese take-out box (dollar store) or other cute container (I've done a raisin container as a joke since my loved one hated them) for them to open every day/whenever they want to hear from you. i have a collection of quotes somewhere if anyone needs some =)

create a personalized crossword puzzle (lots of online sites for that) and print it off for them to do, with stuff to guess at like nicknames, favorite foods or restaurants, birthday months, places you've been together, etc.

a jigsaw puzzle out of a picture of you or you both (you'll have to look up sites for that)

for food stuff you can do flavored drink mixes, their fav cereal, spices he likes, cake in a jar (http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Cake-in-a-Jar/Detail.aspx), weird or unusual snacks you find...

lovingyou.com has some good stories and I've gotten ideas there, you just have to read through a lot of posts. here's a few of the good ones -

get a package of confetti stars and sprinkle them in the present box (or card, anything) and write "when we first met/kissed/etc. i saw stars" =)

if you're an artist or you know someone who is (or are willing to pay for it), get a picture of yourself and your loved one (together or separate) that you like and have it turned into a portrait sketch of you two together

host a "Husband Appreciation" (or wife, girlfriend, boyfriend) night at your home. invite several couples, ask the one partner to keep the night's theme a secret from the other. the knowledgeable party should tell their significant other why they are appreciated and then show them by presenting them with something special and unique (or you could all get them the same thing). one idea: after telling your husband why you so greatly appreciate him, present him with a bouquet of home depot gift cards, (complete with baby's breath, greenery, and a bow)! buy a large arrangement of artificial roses, remove the flowers from some of the stems, and hot glue the gift cards. the possibilities are endless for both the party and presents =)

if you or someone you know sings, write a song and get it recorded (as professionally as possible). as a bonus, call or go to your favorite radio station and beg (if needed) for them to play it and make sure your loved one turns the radio on!

from lovingyou.com - "My man wears polo shirts to work which have the name of his company embroidered over his heart. So, I went to a uniform shop and bought an identical shirt and had the words "Kelly Loves Me" embroidered in the same style as the business name on his work shirts. I made sure it was the only shirt hanging in his wardrobe on the morning of our one year anniversary. Being a creature of habit, he put it on without noticing anything unusual, until he got to work and people started making comments. His workmates loved it and he felt very special. Now he regularly wears it to work!"

"The week before we were together for 500 days, I told him that I was going to take him out to dinner that weekend for a special celebration. Then, all week, I just kept talking about how excited I was, which, in turn, got him excited. On our 500th day anniversary I picked him up. Waiting on my car seat was a medium sized glass jar/container that I filled with 500 pennies. Inside the container was a heart shaped note that read: "Find a penny pick it up; all day long you'll have good luck!" I then wrote how these past 500 days I have felt so lucky that it has been as if I found a penny every day."

buy a bath towel (the really nice big ones) and some embroidery thread and sew a life-size stick figure of you with your arms out so that every time your loved ones dries himself off it'll be like getting a hug from you =)

if anything you buy happens to have a key, write a note with it that says “You have the key to my heart.”

if your loved one would like a new watch (or you just want to buy a silly cheapo one), put in a note saying "I will love you until the end of time.”

hope that helps! =)

for the martians

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Here's an excerpt for the Martians, feel free to pass it along to any Martians you feel might benefit by it. Or to your Venusian friends who may discover how many things on the list their husbands ARE already doing!

A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does something very big for her. This formula doesn’t work because women keep score differently. When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift [or act] of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. Women need many expressions of love in a relationship to feel loved. One or two expressions of love, no matter how important, will not, and cannot, fulfill her.

101 Ways a Man Can Score Points with a Woman

Upon returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.

Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do (e.g., "How did the appointment with the doctor go?").

Practice listening and asking questions.

Resist the temptation to solve the problems - empathize instead.

Give her twenty minutes of unsolicited, quality attention (don't read the newspaper or be distracted by anything else during this time).

Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions.

Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.

If she generally makes dinner or if it is her turn and she seems tired or busy, offer to make dinner.

Compliment her on how she looks.

Validate her feelings when she is upset.

Offer to help her when she is tired.

Schedule extra time when traveling so that she doesn't have to rush.

When you are going to be late, call her and let her know.

When she asks for support, say yes or no without making her wrong for asking.

Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her "I'm sorry you feel hurt." Then be silent; let her feel your understanding of her hurt. Don't offer solutions or explanations why her hurt is not your fault.

Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need some time to think about things.

When you've cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful, nonblaming way, so she doesn't imagine the worst.

Offer to build a fire in wintertime.

When she talks to you, put down the magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention.

If she usually washes the dishes, occasionally offer to wash the dishes, especially if she is tired that day.

Notice when she is upset or tired and ask what she has to do. Then offer to help by doing a few of her "to do" items.

When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up.

Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave.

Give her four hugs a day.

Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her "I love you."

Tell her "I love you" at least a couple of times every day.

Make the bed and clean up the bedroom.

If she washes her socks, turn your socks right side out so she doesn't have to.

Notice when the tray is full and offer to empty it.

When you are out of town, call to leave a telephone number where you can be reached and to let her know you arrived safely.

Wash her car.

Wash your car and clean up the interior before a date with her.

Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that.

Take her side when she is upset with someone.

Offer to give her a back or neck or foot massage (or all three).

Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual.

Be patient when she is sharing. Don't look at your watch.

Don't flick the remote control to different channels when she is watching TV with you.

Display affection in public.

When holding hands don't let your hand go limp.

Learn her favorite drinks so you can offer her a choice of the ones that you know she already likes.

Suggest different restaurants for going out; don't put the burden of figuring out where to go on her.

Get season tickets for the theatre, symphony, opera, ballet or some other type of performance

Create occasions when you both can dress up.

Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit.

Pay more attention to her than to others in public.

Make her more important the children. Let the children see her getting your attention first and foremost.

Buy her little presents - like a small box of chocolates or perfume.

Buy her an outfit (take a picture of your partner along with her sizes to the store and let them help you select it).

Take pictures of her on special occasions.

Take short romantic getaways.

Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it from time to time.

When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special, like a bottle of champagne or sparkling apple juice or flowers.

Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays.

Offer to drive the car on long trips.

Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat.

Notice how she is feeling and comment on it - "You look happy today" or "You look tired" - and then ask question like "How was your day?"

When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate.

Take her dancing or take dancing lessons together.

Surprise her with a love note or poem.

Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship.

Offer to fix something around the house. Say "What needs to be fixed around here? I have some extra time." Don't take on more than you can do.

Offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen.

Buy some good Super Glue to fix things that are broken.

Offer to change light bulbs as soon as they go out.

Help with recycling the trash.

Read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her.

Write out neatly any phone messages you may take for her.

Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry it after taking a shower.

Open the door for her.

Offer to carry the groceries.

Offer to carry heavy boxes for her.

On trips, handle the luggage and be responsible for packing it in the car.

If she washes the dishes or it is her turn, offer to help scrub pots or other difficult tasks.

Make a "to fix" list and leave it in the kitchen. When you have extra time do something on that list for her. Don't let it get too long.

When she prepares a meal, compliment her cooking.

When listening to her talk, use eye contact.

Touch her with your hand sometimes when you talk to her.

Show interest in what she does during the day, in the books she reads and the people she relates to.

When listening to her, reassure her that you are interested by making little noises like ah ha, uh-huh, oh, mmhuh, and hmmmm.

Ask her how she is feeling.

If she has been sick in some way, ask for an update and ask how she is doing or feeling.

If she is tired offer to make her some tea.

Get ready to get to sleep together and get in bed at the same time.

Give her a kiss and say good-bye when you leave.

Laugh at her jokes and humor.

Verbally say thank you when she does things for you.

Notice when she gets her hair done and give a reassuring compliment.

Create special time to be alone together.

Don't answer the phone at intimate moments or if she is sharing vulnerable feelings.

Go bicycling together, even if it's just a short ride.

Organize and prepare a picnic. (Remember to bring a picnic cloth.)

If she handles the laundry, bring the clothes to the cleaners or offer to do the wash.

Take her for a walk without the children.

Negotiate in a manner that shows her that you want her to get what she wants and you also want what you want. Be caring, but don't be a martyr.

Let her know that you missed her when you went away.

Bring home her favorite pie or dessert.

If she normally shops for the food, offer to do the food shopping.

Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don't become stuffed and tired later.

Ask her to add her thoughts to this list.

Leave the bathroom seat down.

for the venusians

more from men are from mars women are from venus =) this one's for the ladies...

Primary Love Needs for Men
Trust
Acceptance
Appreciation
Admiration
Approval
Encouragement

How to Score Points with the Fellas

He makes a mistake and she doesn't say "I told you so" or offer advice. – 10 to 20 pts

He disappoints her and she doesn't punish him. – 10 to 20 pts

He gets lost while driving and she doesn't make a big deal out of it – 10 to 20 pts

He gets lost and she sees the good in the situation and says "We would never have seen this beautiful sunset if we had taken the most direct route" – 20 to 30 pts

He forgets to pick up something and she says "It's ok. Would you do it next time you are out?" – 10 to 20 pts

He forgets it again and she says with trusting and patience "It's OK. Would you still get it?" 20 to 30 pts

When she has hurt him and she understands his hurt, she apologises and gives him the love he needs – 10 to 40 pts

She asks for his support and he says no and she is not hurt by his rejection but trusts that he would if he could. She does not reject him or disapprove of him. – 10 to 20 pts

When he apologises for a mistake and she receives it with loving acceptance and forgiveness. The bigger the mistake he makes, the more points he gives – 10 to 50 pts

When he asks her to do something she says Yes or No without giving a list of reasons for either action. And she remains in a good mood. – 1 to 10 pts

When he wants to make up after a fight and starts doing little things for her and she starts appreciating him again. – 10 to 30 pts

She is happy to see him when he gets home. 10 to 20 pts

She feels disapproving and instead of getting into an argument, she goes to another room and privately gets back to normal and then explains it to him in a loving manner – 10 to 20 pts

She really enjoys having sex with him – 10 to 40 pts

She is tactful, graceful and loving in expressing her dislike or disappointment – without blaming, rejecting or being disapproving of him – 10 to 40 pts

She doesn't give advice when he is driving or parking the car and then appreciates him for getting them there. – 10 to 20 pts (DISCLAIMER: if your husband is about to back into a tree, a non-accusatory warning might be appreciated)

She asks for his support rather than dwelling on things he has done wrong. – 10 to 20 pts

according to Dr. Gray, men do tend to give "penalty points" - if you do something unloving, you can lose all or most of your points immediately, but as soon as you do something sincerely loving again you're back to the top and probably with interest!

If you think this isn't fair, women tend to subtract the points their guys have racked up from their own, leaving themselves with all the leftover points and their fella with zero. this means means the ladies aren't appreciating the loving things their guy DID do and he has to start from scratch again. could be bunk, either way its intriguing stuff =)

Another Jewel of Wisdom

Use "would" instead of "could" when you want something done. you may think "could" is more polite, but "would" helps the guys feel like it is a choice, rather than a indirect demand or question of their ability to carry out the task (guys can take your "could" as literally as they want). try it out and see if you get good results =)

incompatibility: grounds for a great marriage

take-aways from "incompatibility: grounds for a great marriage" by chuck and barb snyder

hes more likely to fix the neighbors faucet because she tells him how talented and wonderful he is and the best he gets out of you is a grumbly its about time. its never too late to start expressing your thanks (whether you feel hes done enough to deserve it or not), it can turn a lazy spouse into a hero.

love each other when you feel like it, when you don't, and until you do. love is actions, not feelings. there will be good feelings, but after you do the right thing not before.

be godly wives in spite of your husbands failures. one husband got up in front of the whole congregation and said that God had gotten his attention on this issue because his wife had begun "anointing his feet." if the wife is being the woman God wants her to be, then the man is resisting only God - and He has effective ways of dealing one-on-one with wayward kids.

its easy to equate headship and leadership with decision making. don't make decisions until you have your partners agreement. pushing ahead to have your own way will make you both unhappy in the end.

communication - are we guilty of thinking what were going to add to the conversation instead of thinking about the other persons feelings and words? when was the last time you listened two full minutes to your spouse (or friends!) without adding comments or making suggestions for why they were off target? if your spouse NEVER makes comments, are you doing anything to discourage their input?

when you know how the other person really feels, you can handle it. it is not knowing that's so hard - resist reading into what another person says and does

allow each other to be different, especially in the little things. say its ok rather than its wrong.

the good gardener examines his garden, provides the warm atmosphere and materials needed to bring it to full maturity - our spouses will radiate back to us exactly what we are giving to them.

blessed are the peacemakers... he didn't say peaceKEEPERS, but peaceMAKERS. on the surface, the peacekeeper (i.e. the one who avoids conflict instead of trying to resolve it) appears calm but inside there is a boiling cauldron of unspoken thoughts which can turn into a root of bitterness and a big messy blowup later (i speak from experience).

there are five basic love languages - touch, talking (or communication), serving, giving gifts, and encouraging words. we tend to talk to others in our own language - some people hug a lot, some people wash dishes and mow the neighbors lawn, some give flowers and clothes and jewelry, etc. find out what your spouses love language is and try talking to them in that language instead of your own.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

wedding guests

"what every woman ought to know about love and marriage" by joyce brothers

when i read this book one of the more philosophical passages really struck me -

"A wedding is public business," Lance Morrow wrote in Time. "That is the point of it. The couple is not merely marrying one another. They are joining the enterprise of the human race. They are, at least in part, submitting themselves to the larger logics of life, to the survival of the community, to life itself."

i cant say i've ever thought much about the larger social responsibility marriage entails, far too outdated a concept for us these days. even the intense social pressure that used to exist against divorce didn't seem to be so much about being a good example or furthering the good of the community, just about following social norms or religious principles. maybe social good is/was implicit in those things, either way i've only thought of the witnesses at weddings as being there for the bride and groom on their special day, and receiving honor and thanks for supporting the couple to that happy point. you forget they're not just guests, they're witnesses. most people might think of their kids before submitting to a divorce, and perhaps immediate family members who might be affected, but i wouldn't have thought about how the community and our society and the girl next door who just got engaged might be impacted by what they witness and see of our marriage after that special day. just interesting to consider i guess =)

well the more i read the harder and harder marriage sounds! i was bummed to read joyce quote one lady who said "i had magical fantasies about marriage. but there was no magic in marriage. just a lot of hard work."

=\

thankfully the next line read "nor did they find marriage anything like living together. marriage was better."

=)

i'll still believe in a lot of hard work for at least little bit of magic...