olive branch

---

"I thought I was just tired," says the guy newly in touch with his feelings, "but I'm really sad, lonely, ambivalent, distant, mournful, neglected, burdened, unappreciated, mistreated, taken advantage of, etc. I have a lot of needs that are not getting met in this relationship!"

Of course his partner would respond with exasperation.

"But you wanted him to express his feelings," we would say.

"Not those feelings!" she'd exclaim in disgust. "I want to hear how much he loves me and how important I am to him and how empty and sad his life would be without me."

Here is a tough question that women need to ask themselves: Do you really want to know about his feelings or do you merely want him to validate yours and comply with your idea of connection?

Again we remind women, be careful what you ask for, because if you refuse the connection when he extends the olive branch, you will make it difficult - if not impossible - for him to give you what you're asking for. If you expect a man to be forthcoming with his feelings, you must cease all the distraction, impatience, criticism, and other forms of stomping on his heart that taught him in the past that it is not safe to go there.


Just some more words of wisdom from How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.

I found this helpful as well:

Every time you violate your core values - even if you're just reacting to your partner - you feel guilty. If you take a deep breath and try to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect, you will find yourself back to what is most important to you. You will no longer want to attack, devalue, or defend.

The capacity to stay true to your deepest values - and thereby transform most of your fear and shame - lies entirely within you. And in the end, you will judge yourself by your own efforts and behavior, not by your partner's. On your deathbed, you won't regret what he/she did or didn't do; you'll think about your fidelity to the most important things around you. When you are upset, angry, or resentful, try to focus less on what your partner is doing and ask yourself... Am I acting like the person I most want to be? Am I being the partner I want to be?
Remaining true to your core values, regardless of what your partner does, is the necessary first step in relationship improvement.

good measure, pressed down, and shaken together

---

"Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”
Luke 6:36-38

Some people are definitely toxic, and require distance or other boundaries to preserve your own sanity. And putting your sanity first is key to being able to be merciful and forgiving and giving, but I've never gone wrong when I've insisted on treating people well because of who I am, not because of how they're treating me or how I want to be treated. Just a slightly different twist on the Golden Rule. Maybe I feel like I have more direct influence on how I'm remembered than how I'm treated, so it's a better use of energy to focus on the former? I've seen this principle resolve or even improve enough negative situations to be a firm believer in it. It's also not just about how you're remembered; it's about the ripple effect you want to have. Cruelty and sarcasm can only breed more of the same, and it's not really fair or beneficial when Kevin Bacon's cousin ends up the unwitting victim of your judgement or stinginess. You might actually restore someone's faith in humanity, and inspire them to do the same for others =)

I know it's tough to be generous when you're hurting, but these verses offer an amazing reward for turning our own knee-jerk critical and demeaning reactions around. With the exception of toxic/abusive relationships, it sounds like the hardest part is believing that being the first, and sometimes only partner to be merciful and understanding and affirming and giving can be in YOUR best interest. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over best interest.

A big pile of goodness, pressed down to make room for even more well-mixed goodness, with an extra bottle of goodness poured on top and spilling over... can I get double shot of that? =)

for shame

---

From How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny:

"Some women have no clue how critical and demeaning they are to men. When confronted with their critical behavior, the most common reaction is disbelief. Reflecting on this fact, Pat thought it might be interesting to list 101 ways to shame a man without trying. Off the top of her head, she came up with well over 50 ways she had done so, inadvertantly or otherwise, in her own relationships..."

For an eye opener, choose true or false for the following statements (choose "true" if it applies to you at least sometimes).

1. I exclude him from important decisions.


2. I don't always give him a chance to help.


3. I correct things he says.


4. I question his judgment.


5. I give him unsolicited advice.


6. I suggest how he should feel.


7. I ignore his advice.


8. I imply that he's inadequate in certain areas.


9. I'm often stressed or in a bad mood.


10. I think that he should at least match my use of time and energy.


11. When he says I overreact, I think that he just doesn't understand.


12. I ignore his needs that I don't think are important.


13. I focus on what I don't have instead of what I have.


14. I withhold praise because I think he doesn't really deserve it or because I don't want him to get the big head.


15. I use a harsh tone to get through to him.


16. I pay more attention to other people's needs than his.


17. I undermine his wishes.


18. I am condescending to him.


19. I lack respect for his work.


20. I show little interests in his interests.


21. I criticize his family.


22. I interpret the "real meaning" of what he says and does.


23. I compare him to other men or, worse, to my girlfriends.


24. I don't take his point of view seriously.


25. I believe that he just can't see my unhappiness.


26. I think he fails to make me happy


27. If I'm unhappy, I tell him he must be unhappy, too.


28. I roll my eyes when I think of some of the things he says and does.


29. He says I give him "the look"


30. I am sometimes sarcastic to make my point or express my dissatisfaction with his behavior.


31. I use ridicule to get through to him.


32. I usually have a "better way" of doing things.


33. Sometimes I think he's a jerk.


34. I have to tell him what he's doing wrong.


35. I tell him that he never helps me enough.


36. He can't handle my feelings.


37. I believe that if his childhood or previous relationships were different we wouldn't have these problems.


38. I think that I understand relationships better than he does.


39. I think I do more than he does.


40. My friends treat me better than he does.


41. He disappoints me.

Guilty ={

"Where there is a withdrawn or silent man, there is usually a critical woman."

the love list

---

"Maybe I'm not the right man for you," he said, half making a statement, half asking a question.

"Maybe you're not!" I crossed my arms, feeling defiant, but in the next second I regretted the whole ridiculous discussion. What were we talking about? I thought I had met the man of my dreams, and we were about to throw the whole thing out the window over an absurd argument. Closing my eyes, I suddenly saw a mental picture of "the list." It had been in the back of my closet for five years. What would Aubrey think of the list?

"I have an idea," I said. I left the kitchen, and several minutes later I came back with the list in my hand. I held the small sheaf of papers out to him. "Read this, and you decide if you are the right man for me." I turned on my heel and marched down the hallway to my room, as if following stage directions.

.........

"I want to know if—" I began, but I couldn't finish the sentence. Finally, I blurted out: "I want to know if I am supposed to have a true and lasting love in my life. It's okay if I'm not. It's really okay. I have so much in my life. My family. My friends. My artists. My galleries. I just want to know. I want to stop worrying about it—thinking about it all the time."

"Here is what you must do. You must go home and write down 100 qualities you would like this person with whom you will share your life to have."

I felt almost giddy. "A hundred? Wouldn't I be lucky if I got 10?"

"Oh no, my dear," she said. "You must describe the person down to the color of the socks!"

I wanted to laugh. Color of the socks?

"You will make your list, and then you will put the list away for safekeeping. What you are doing is making clear for yourself exactly the person who will be right for you, and then you will be directing the request into the universe to send that person to you. Do you understand?"

I nodded. But I didn't understand at all. The idea that somewhere in the universe was a person just right for me—someone who would respond to all the things that were important to me and with whom I could share my life—seemed impossible. Yet in spite of the painful experiences of the past, I had always lived my life as if all things were possible. Why wouldn't I try making the list?

At home I climbed into my four-poster bed with a yellow legal pad. I was amazed by how easy it was to write the list. I began with the definitive idea that he must be "at peace with himself." Then I listed everything, from good family relationships to intelligence and a sense of humor, to sex, religion, money, music, books, gardening, sailing, dancing, fishing, and on and on—down to dark gray socks.

Satisfied that I had done my part, I put the list in the back of my closet.

After about 15 minutes of waiting for Aubrey's answer, he walked into my room with the list in his hand. He had tears in his soft blue eyes. We looked at each other for several seconds before he spoke.

"I missed two," he said, holding up the list. Then, smiling, he added, "There are many things you have on this list that are true about me that you could not possibly know."

I wanted to laugh out loud. Instead I jumped up and threw my arms around him. I felt jubilant. Whatever doubts I harbored that he might have missed many more than two, I knew that the point was that he thought he missed only two. I had given my list to the universe and the universe had sent me Aubrey.

---

Read the full article here - http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200802_gorman

I heard about this love list a year or so ago, and while I didn't actually believe it would come true, I thought it was a really fun idea. What's important is being strong and holding out for the characteristics that will still be important and meaningful to you after 20 or 30 years of marriage, and not settling because you're too old or too invested or too worried about not being able to find anyone better, or just anyone else.

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/slideshow1_ss_ss_20080206/5

"While Martha's article about Alice touched many readers, Erin says it nearly knocked her out of her chair. "In December 2006, I made a detailed list of what I wanted in a life partner. I included everything from hairstyle and hobbies to spirituality, health and raising children," she says. "Less than two months later, I met my wonderful now-boyfriend of one year. He is absolutely everything above and beyond what I had listed."

Heather says she made her own love list in 2002 and put it away in a drawer. "Later that year, I met my future husband, Greg. In 2006, he proposed, and a few months later I came across my list," she says. "And there were the qualities of my husband. Every time I read my list, I smile knowing I ordered my husband from the universe."

Melissa's love list dates back all the way to 2000. "Did I get what I wanted right away? Uh, no," she says. "But I kept learning, not settling, and growing as a person." Melissa—pictured above on her wedding day—recently found the list buried among old receipts. "I realized that Will, my husband, was all of the things I had asked for. Do I believe in the power of a list? A little. But I also believe in the power of me, and I worked hard to find healthy love," she says. "That's living my best life."

honeymooners

---

21 blissful days and counting... she's the kind of girl you love more and more every day

A friend posted this comment about his wife on fb today, love it =)

going for gold

---

On our flight to Oslo, Norway 4th of July weekend I read You Only Get Married for the First Time Once by Judy Markey, a light-hearted, satirical commentary on life and marriage. One passage that stood out to me was:

The best thing that Bill Veeck gave me, though, was a glimpse into extraordinary clean and unconfused loving. I have never seen a marriage like the one he and Mary Frances Veeck put together. I have never seen two people woven quite so tightly, so finely tuned, so visibly one, yet so private about some of their oneness. I have never seen that kind of mutual protection, mutual respect, that sense of actually being in concert with another person. I think Bill and Mary Frances Veeck did marriage and loving better than just about anyone I've ever known.

Her description is dazzling, I feel like I need to put sunglasses on haha Xo) Bill Veeck was a big baseball team owner with a lot of personality apparently (I looked him up on good ol' wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Veeck), and Mary Frances was actually his second wife. I wish I could ask Judy more about what she saw in Bill and Mary. Not knowing a lot of couples closely enough perhaps, I can pick out one or two very strong and exemplary marriages but none that quite live up the glowing picture Judy painted. I think the skeptic in us all would like to say it can't exist, it's too intimidating and challenging an ideal. But can't we hope to go a little farther if we set the bar a little higher? Maybe not worrying about being so ONE, so fined tuned yet perhaps, but maybe working on that mutual protection and respect, figuring out how he shows love and how he communicates in ways that are different (and thus OK) from you. And appreciating him for it. You'll really earn that bronze anniversary.

You never know, after 50 years you might even grab the gold =)

"We feasted on love; every mode of it, solemn and merry, romantic and realistic, sometimes as dramatic as a thunderstorm, sometimes comfortable and unemphatic as putting on your soft slippers. She was my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress, but at the same time all that any man friend has ever been to me."
C.S. Lewis on his wife, Joy

happily ever after

---

some thoughts from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry

It is also no accident that some couples are radiant, positive, and happy, while other couples are beaten down, defeated, and anxiety-ridden. Researchers who have searched for the difference between the two groups have come up with all kinds of explanations for marital success (long courtships, similar backgrounds, supportive families, good communication, well educated, and so on). But the bottom line is that happy couples decide to be happy. In spite of the troubles life deals them, they make happiness a habit.

Happiness has nothing to do with luck and everything to do with will.

During out first years of marriage, Leslie and I attended graduate school and lived in a small apartment complex with several other student couples. A few doors down from us lived Bob and Jessica, who had also recently moved to Los Angeles. We had a lot in common, except for one thing—they seemed to get all the breaks... To top it all off, Bob and Jessica drove a brand new, bright red sports car given to them by their wealthy parents.

I became unhappy every time I looked at their new car. It really began to depress me. I remember saying to myself, Why do other people get all the breaks? Why do other people have it so easy? To add insult to injury, I found myself becoming increasingly negative toward Leslie. Little things she did began to annoy me, or more accurately, I began to allow little things she did to annoy me. My self-pity was creating a negative mind-set that began to color even my marriage.

A truth hit me in the most unlikely of places: a statistics course... Dr. Wallis added: "Unlike computers, however, humans develop a habit of programming their minds to be either mostly negative or mostly positive." That's when it dawned on me: I was making myself and our marriage miserable, sitting around waiting for opportunity to come knocking and complaining because it wasn't. Without even knowing it, I had developed a bad habit of stamping my circumstances as "negative." Instead of making the best of our conditions, I was wallowing in self-pity and allowing them to make the best of me. From then on I determined to be happy no matter what. Not that I am always optimistic and on top of the world, but I know refuse to let my circumstances determine my mood—or my marriage.

Most negative people feel they could be positive if they had a different job, lived in a better place, or married a different person. But happiness does not hinge on better circumstances. Our circumstances change with the weather, but our attitudes stay the same. The negative person defends his attitudes with the rationale of being realistic, while the positive person looks beyond the current state of affairs and sees people and situations in terms of possibilities.

But how to we cultivate positive attitudes when our spouses do something we dislike? The answer lies in taking responsibility for our own feelings.

I remember coming home one day flushed with excitement and eager to discuss some good news with Les. I wanted him to share my excitement, but for whatever reason, he didn't. "You upset me," I later told him. But the truth is, he didn't upset me. I upset myself. Before exploring why Les didn't join in my celebration, I jumped to a negative conclusion. Meanwhile, Les, who was feeling somewhat dejected that day because of a setback at work, was thinking, She doesn't really care about me. She is only interested in herself.

Since that time both of use have tried to adopt a "no fault, no blame" attitude. The idea is to suspend our negative evaluations about each other and remember that no one can make another person unhappy. Everyone is responsible for his or her own attitude.

Research reveals that the level of a couple's joy is determined by each partner's ability to adjust to things beyond his or her control. If you are to cultivate the habit of happiness with your partner, you will need to avoid the poisons of self-pity, blame, and resentment.

No one can ever be an effective marriage partner with the added burden of self-pity to cope with.

Ever since Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent, couples have employed the trick of finding excuses and shifting responsibility. Every symptomatic problem in marriage (apathy, irritation, boredom, anger, depression, etc.) can be traced to a breakdown in personal responsibility. If you are angry, it is not your husband's fault, but your own choice. If you are depressed, it is not because your wife is failing you, but because you have chosen to be depressed. The habit of blaming your spouse is completely contrary to the principle of taking responsibility for your own attitude.

No one is exempt from being treated unfairly. We can all justify the anger we feel about how a situation or someone unfairly complicated our existence. "I have a feeling that it is easier to blame your father and keep your resentment alive than it is to forgive him. If you forgive him, then the consequences for your actions would shift from him to you, and that's scary."

The habit of happiness is an inside job.

for the singles

---

I've decided single gals who exemplify these principles deserve Iron Woman trophies, since mastering them takes the kind of patience and discipline and trust and determination we tend to hope we didn't need to have haha =)

http://intervarsity.org/slj/article/2365

Here is my abridged version:

1. Don’t let dating or the desire for marriage become your god.

2. Finding the right person is not nearly as important as being the right person. Who are you becoming? What is the basis of your identity, hope for the future, security? Many people pursue relationships as the solution to their problems, such as insecurity, loneliness, lust, lack of direction or bad self-image.

3. We fear rejection, so we conform to what we suppose others prefer. Healthy marriages are never built on images or masks, but rather on openness.

4. Seek friendship and wait on romance. Romance will grab you soon enough, but friendship requires careful development.

5. Live in the reality of where a relationship is in its development, not in the fantasy of where you would like it to be.

6. Enjoy each relationship and resist the temptation of constantly trying to discern where you are in it — and where the other person is.

7. Be patient. Nothing good happens fast.

8. Check your motivation for the relationship from time to time. Many people are in love with being in love, rather than seeking what's best for the other.

9. Don’t so entwine the other person in your demands and expectations that he or she cannot fulfill their own potential. Jealousy is a key sign of our desire to possess another rather than to serve them.

10. Develop many lines of communication, especially in the areas of dialogue, problem solving, mutual interests, awareness of each other’s daily living patterns and habits, emotions, affection, service to others, spiritual life and family relationships.

11. Sexual expression is a powerful form of communication and should be carefully limited in order to allow other areas to develop. The physical can frequently and easily become a primary concern and become very difficult to control. Talk early and carefully within a relationship about guidelines in physical communication and be sure to agree on your goals in all areas.

12. Always be aware of the level of communication in relation to the level of commitment. It is easy to communicate more deeply than the level of commitment can support, whether that be in the area of interests, sexual expression or even spiritual concerns.

13. Be open about all aspects of your relationship with others who love and care about you. “There is safety in a multitude of counselors” (see Proverbs 11:14). Let your relationship stand in the context of others.

14. Realize that whenever you care for, serve and love someone, you can (and probably will) get hurt. Trust each relationship as a learning experience, no matter what ultimately happens. Don’t immediately assume that a relationship which moves away from romance is an indication that there is something wrong with you. It could be for the best.

it's a breakup because it's broken

---

Even for someone in full remission from their last breakup, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt is an insightful and encouraging read. Especially if you recognize some of their recommendations as steps you managed to take all by yourself during the "self-esteem crushing, spirit breaking, gut-wrenchingly painful" experience of surviving a breakup.

The book is awesome, I couldn't really extract inspiring snippets for your benefit because as Greg and Amiira say, "there is no one-sentence cure for the common or uncommon breakup, even if it is a really good sentence. The only thing we know for sure is that this bummer of an event can actually be life-changing. It was for both of us. Hopefully, you'll look back and be thankful for it when you're living your kick-[butt] life with the right person who makes you an even bigger superstar than you already are."

A year and a half ago I would've writhed at the complete insensitivity of those words, even though I hoped to say them myself on some future day like today. I do want to share an excerpt from the end of the book I feel holds a lot of truth whether your relationship was truly horribly awful, or you were both just absolutely, amazingly, simply... not right for each other.

So what does it mean to really love yourself? Above all else, loving yourself means that you feel complete when you're on your own. Not only is that an extremely gratifying place to be emotionally, but it's also a very alluring quality when it comes to romantic relationships. People don't feel like they have to be responsible for your life, because you are responsible for yourself. "So is that what men want, someone who loves themselves?" you ask. Who cares? It's time to figure out what you want. Loving yourself and feeling complete isn't about catching a man–that's an added bonus that comes later. Your emotional growth and well-being should start with you, not someone else, and it should be for you, not someone else.

And we'd both done a lot of work on ourselves. Not just the "I lost weight, do I look good in these pants?" variety, but the "Why do I end up in these [crappy] relationships?" kind. The kind where you try to look at your problems objectively and figure out what part you played in them, even if your part was just routinely showing up for a bad time. The cool thing about this kind of perspective is that it keeps you from being the victim. Victims blame others. But if you recognize the part you played, you can do something about it in the future to not get involved in a similar kind of situation, or at least see it for what it is before it's too late. So right now, it's time to take a closer look at you and take some responsibility. Not just for the things you might have done wrong, but also the things you've been doing right for so long that you–or he–refused to acknowledge. One of the great joys in life is getting to a place where you really actually like yourself. Not the idea of who you think you are, or who you want to become, but the imperfect, awesome, living soul reading this sentence right now. The only way to do any of this is by exploring you.

You're doing it right now. You're currently participating just by reading this book. It means you are taking action, looking for answers, moving away from the pain and in the right direction. You are a seeker. You have what many don't– the willingness to look, the willingness to listen, and the willingness to learn. So stop right there and applaud yourself, since we're not there to give you the standing ovation you deserve. Bravo to you Superfox Breakup Warrior! Keep on doing what you're doing!

=)

his right arm embraces me

---

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that there was a husband site to the-generous-wife.com, appropriately named "the-generous-husband.com" =) After perusing the blog archive, I came across a great post with the sweetest comments from some generous-minded husbands -

http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2009/04/24/a-romantic-act-in-public-is-worth-several-in-private/

I always smiled over one older, newly married couple whose arms never left each others in the church I went to back home. It's sad that such demonstrations these days seem to beg the question "How long will that last?" So many star-struck lovers have sworn they would never let each other go, only to leave or let life tear them apart. No matter how long it may last, I love that this couple showcased their appreciation for what they had in each other, and the commitment behind those words. I wouldn't pretend to be above not returning a gesture of love someday, for reasons either petulant or innocuous, but if blessed with that opportunity I hope I catch myself first. And remember all the single girls who dream of having such an arm around them, all the wives whose husbands' arms have grasped them in violence, all the spouses who have lost their loved ones to war or tragedy... ♥

"His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me... His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires..."
Song of Solomon 2:6 & 5:14

romance

---

Myths Men Have About Women (from Husbands and Wives by Kinder and Cowan)

Myth #1: Most women think friendship is the same as romance.

"Rachel, married 16 years, finds that when she tries to get close to Alex, her husband, he immediately thinks she wants to be romantic. 'He knows I do like being romantic, but I also want to be a friend to Alex. He is the one who confuses the two, and doesn't trust any suggestion I make. If I want to have a simple quiet weekend away, he thinks it means we're supposed to be gazing into each other's eyes over candlelit dinners. That's just not so.'"

I can sympathize with Rachel. I've been pegged as a write-me-poems-then-buy-me-flowers-chocolate-jewelry-and-you-BETTER-not-forget-my-birthday kind of girl, despite a lack of supporting evidence. While I love coming up with cute and clever gifts, things are not necessarily my idea of romance =)

Kinder and Cowan's advice:
"Alex needs to realize that much of Rachel's wish for closeness and interaction is a reflection of her desire for a richer friendship with him, not some devious plot to ensnare him in some cloying romantic interlude. Rachel should suggest very specific plans for a weekend outing that include a number of possible activities she and Alex could do together. Some men's discomfort with closeness and romance is elevated by vague, open-ended time spent. For such men, the more specific the plan, the greater the comfort and opportunity for warm, shared experiences."

While activities aren't exactly suggestible if one's significant other is an ocean apart in dangerous conditions, it is helpful to think about alternative methods of reassuring the romance-wary and candlelight-phobic =)

friends

---

The book Husbands and Wives by Melvyn Kinder and Connell Cowan starts off "exploding" 15 common myths about marriage, with numero uno being the pervasive belief that matrimony is the key to making one feel complete and whole. The problems with this mindset are explored a little further in Chapter 8 as well, titled "When Husbands and Wives Become Friends":

"Generosity promotes friendship; excessive and unrealistic expectations deplete it. We often approach our mate with such strong security needs that the net impact is more often one of demanding rather than giving and caring. We expect friends to enjoy us, not complete us, and we don't expect to be at the center of their lives. Friendships grow out of freedom, not guilt."

This statement made me pause, having known friendships of the very same kind. These types of friends expect others to be what a husband or significant other would - their main source of companionship and security, a sort of second half who mirror all of their own convictions and personality/character traits. But reading that statement yesterday reminded me that really I don't, and hopefully never would, expect a partner to be all those things either.

"We like our friends for who they are, not for what we would like them to be. Just because we are married doesn't mean we have the license to mold our mate to our liking. Naturally, because friends are not living under the same roof day after day, it is much easier to be tolerant. Nevertheless, such acceptance is still a prerequisite for friendship."

A great reminder, although as a single woman I do try to keep in mind that this advice is for married couples, not dating couples. The point of dating is to make sure there are NOT major areas your significant other would need to change in order for the relationship to work. We should all know better than to think marriage the time to start on all the spousal overhauls we discovered were needed before tying the knot.

Marriage aside, utter sillyness may commence when a girl tries to go down the "just friends" road with a more than likeable guy. After some meandering contemplation, I feel it would be something akin to, say... giving a kid a top of the line, custom-built bicycle, under the condition that he must walk it, not ride it. The analogy isn't a perfect one, but imagine the inevitable pouting, confusion and frustration that would ensue as he takes the slow, humbling journey around the neighborhood; as all his friends wonder if something's wrong with him or the bike, as he worries someone else might jump on and run off with it, as he weighs the possibilities that the bike will be a bad fit, maybe the handling too stiff after all this time looking forward to finally racing it. But... in this trial of patience he will learn the bicycle's every curve, stripe, seam and link, evaluating them for strength and beauty and spotting any weaknesses that might trouble the adventures ahead. And surely he will appreciate all the more the long-awaited moment where his hands wrap around both bars, his foot swings over the side, and he settles back into the embrace of the seat...

But then, shouldn't he be content without a bike? Or maybe one less perfect? Aren't there enough sources of fulfillment and pleasure in this world to content him instead? Perhaps...

In debunking marriage myth #1, Husbands and Wives explains that as social beings, we all have a hunger for love and human contact - and marriage may go a long way toward satisfying that hunger. However if we feel insecure or depressed, we may automatically look to our spouse as the antidote to those negative feelings. Either we want our mate to solve the problem, or we secretly blame him or her for somehow not being loving enough, rich enough, sexual enough, not "something" enough.

So many have struggled with this myth at some point, in various forms. It's difficult when, especially from the vantage point of youthful love and romance, having someone to love and be loved by is a state of happiness that can make the benefits of singlehood pale in comparison. As one friend aptly stated, "Life is really an awesome adventure. But I believe it can be better if it's experienced together."

The challenge of finding that kind of friendship with a significant other, whether you're single or married is a daunting one. But no matter what I guess I'd rather risk disappointment, work harder and trust more, in the hope of an amazing ride down the road =)