vulnerable is good for you

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I'm thinking I need to catch up on TedTalks...

A summary of some of the good stuff from this talk by Dr. Brene Brown - http://anonymous8.com/women-talk/why-being-vulnerable-is-good-for-you/

The only difference between those who have a strong sense of love and belonging and those who don’t is this: those who have a strong sense of love and belonging BELIEVE they are WORTHY of love and belonging.

1. Have the courage to be imperfect.

2. Have the compassion to be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others.

3. Be authentic, let go of who you think you should be to be who you are. You can't have connection without authenticity.

4. Embrace vulnerability. What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. Vulnerability isn't necessarily comfortable or excruciating, it's simply necessary. It's the willingness to say I love you first, to act without guarantees, to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

And what do the whole-hearted say? Instead of saying, “I am not thin enough, or I am not tall enough, or I am not pretty enough, or I am not interesting enough, or I am not rich enough,” they say, “I am enough.”

Vulnerability is captivating and reverence-inducing for me, in a way. It's like an instant "Handle with Care" label that signifies something extremely valuable might be in that box, and I can't help wanting to follow the label's instructions, and see what rare or beautiful thing is inside...

four phrases

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Four phrases blogger Tara Pringle Jefferson suggests incorporating into your relationship, from blackandmarriedwithkids.com


“Can I help you with anything?” I would love, love, love to hear this phrase at least once a day. Is it unrealistic? I have no clue. But there’s something about your spouse offering their help without you having to ask for it. Of course, this works best when it’s a two-way street, so if I want my husband to leap to my assistance, I better not disappear when he’s knee-deep in yardwork.

“You really look beautiful/handsome/sexy/hot today.” Sometimes we get so caught up in the day-to-day minutiae that the chance to just look at our partner and marvel at how sexy they still are after all these years (or months). Especially if you don’t have much time together during the day and your evenings are spent wrestling kids into the bed and passing out promptly afterward. Give your partner an unexpected compliment every other day and I bet you things will only get better.

“What would I do without you?” I usually ask my husband this question at least once a week, after he’s swooped in and fixed whatever problem I was trying to solve. He might not jump for joy every time I say it, but by continually expressing how much I value his place in my life, we strengthen our bond.

“What can I do to make this better?” My husband asked me this after an argument we had a while ago. Not only did it make it easier to accept his apology (and really, it wasn’t a big deal to begin with), but we both had a sense of how we were going to move forward, which is crucial when dealing with matters of the heart.

I like you because...

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I think we could all use more conversations like these... from Stephen Covey's Living the 7 Habits:


My oldest daughter, Tina, who was about nine at the time, and I were driving to see her grandmother. I remember thinking that with Tina, building an Emotional Bank Account was a key. So I thought, "What can I do in the thirty minutes we have together to make deposits in her bank account?" You know, this took a bit of courage. By the age of nine, a child pretty much has a good idea of the kind of behavior to expect from each parent. I'm not much of a chatterer when we travel. I might comment on the scenery every now and again, but mostly I drive in silence. So I was a bit nervous suggesting the game I came up with.

As we backed out of the driveway, I said, "Honey, why don't we play a game. What we want to do is say 'I feel good about you because...' or 'I liked what you did because...' The 'because' is important because then we know why the other person likes us. Okay? I'll start."

So I started off. I said something about her. Then she paused and said something about me. After about three or four things, I really had to start thinking. This was quite shocking to me. I love my child so much, but I was having difficulty thinking of specific actions that I loved about her. I was really searching for things to say. Tina found it easier. After about five or six, she started to break through the normal responses. I could tell she was looking at my life, and seeing me and what I did. She was grateful for the work I did, the walks to the park, the basketball in the driveway, the way I woke her up in the mornings. She could see all of me.

I was still struggling. Then, as I looked at this little girl's life, really looked at her and what she did every day in our family, I started to see. I saw her hugs, her little words, her thank-yous. I saw how well she was doing at school and how polite she was. I told her I loved it when she came home from school and gave me a big hug. When we started digging and looking, we couldn't stop. This was only a thirty-minute trip. We got to twenty-two, twenty-three items and then I had to call it off. I couldn't think of anything else.

Frankly, I was stunned by the game. I felt good on one hand but discouraged on the other. Good that Tina could see so much (she wanted to carry on), discouraged that I couldn't find more. More importantly, the rest of the trip we spent chattering to each other. I think the game started a dialogue that I hadn't had with her before.

When we arrived, Tina jumped out of the car and raced into the house, and that's when my heart almost broke. "Grandma, Grandma," she shouted. "My daddy knows so many good things about me. I didn't know he knew so many good things about me."

The word "respect" comes from the Latin root specto, which means to see -- to see another (Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood). The more we are self-absorbed, the less we see others as precious individuals with many layers of individuality, and with many facets to each layer. When we get out of ourselves, and truly listen to another, a marvelous journey of discovery begins.

Be Positive

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More from You Say More Than You Think by Janine Driver:

It doesn't matter if you are speaking with a barricaded person, and interviewee, or a date, remember that the person in front of you has pride. Rather than being negative and saying, "Don't lie to me," suggest the quality you want to see. As my friend James Cavanaugh, ATF Special Agent in Charge always says, "Credit people with the quality you want them to produce and normally they'll accept it, even feel bound to it."

Who are you more likely to be receptive to - someone who recognizes your positive characteristics or belittles you by detailing each flaw?

For instance, this morning my son was playing with an elaborate pop-up book while I was on the phone with one of my sisters. At first I said, “Angus, please put the book back, I’ll read it to you when I get off the phone.” He ignored me and continued to play with the book. Then I tried QWQ [Question, Wait, Question]: “Angus, you’re a good listener, right?”

He smiled and said, “Yes.”

“Do you think you’re the best listener in the whole world?” I asked.
He laughed and responded, “YES!”

Then I added, “I know you’re the best listener in the whole world; that’s one of the things I many things I love about you. When I ask you to do something, you do it faster than any other kid I know.” He smiled. Then I said, “Angus, please put your book back and I’ll play with you when I’m done.” And he put the book back and began playing with a toy dinosaur instead.

the right side

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From You Say More Than You Think by Janine Driver:

Every person has an on/off switch for rapport, a "right" or more open side of her body. Knowing which side of a person's body is more comfortable for her, and which side makes her uneasy, can make for really effective body language... Once you know a person’s right [positive/good] side, you can use it in many powerful ways.

Less than a month later, one of the mothers from the event sent me an e-mail. Her relationship with her husband (physically and emotionally) had gone downhill since their early courtship, so after the class, she had decided to try out my rule with him. She changed the sheets and had them sleep on opposite sides of the bed. He was intrigued. (And by “intrigued,” I’ll refer you to the previous chapter, “Work Your Naughty Bits.”)
This change may not sound revolutionary. But consider that she discovered that she prefers people on her right side, and her husband had been sleeping on her left side for years. Literally overnight, they reconnected with each other, got a major boost in the bedroom, and had an improved relationship with the rest of their family, too.

fight with your fists...

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From an article in Real Simple magazine titled 10 Things My Father Was Right About by Jancee Dunn:


1. Hold hands while you hash it out. My folks have been married for 47 years. One of my father’s rules for a happy marriage is that if a nasty argument erupts, hold hands as you fight. You’ll feel goofy doing this, but here’s the thing: It works. Recently my husband, Tom, forgot to pay a few bills that were buried under a pile of clutter. I was incandescent with rage. So we interlaced our fingers while we talked it out, and I felt my blood pressure plummet and my endorphins flow in spite of myself. It’s impossible to scream at someone who is giving your hand a gentle squeeze. It just is.


And a few others I liked =)


2. Pay attention to anyone who wears a tool belt... My father is practical, thrifty (or, put more accurately, cheap), and savvy about home improvements. He calls a repairman only as a last resort—and when he does, he hovers around the guy and asks tons of questions. “Carefully observe anyone with a skill that you don’t have,” my father often said, “and then you can take care of the fill-in-the-blank yourself.” He was right: After shadowing a handyman for an hour, I later fixed my own dishwasher, to the perpetual amazement of friends who call their super to change a lightbulb.

3. ...Or a uniform. It has always annoyed my dad that a waiter gets a 20 percent tip for serving a crème brûlée, while a hotel maid who disposes of used dental floss often winds up with bubkes. My father routinely told our sanitation men and the crew who cleaned his office that they were doing a good job and made sure to compensate them at holidays. As a child, I used to writhe with embarrassment when he did this. Now I do the same for the sanitation workers in my neighborhood. One guy once told me, with a catch in his voice, that in 10 years, it was the first time he had ever been thanked.

9. No one’s smarter than you. Long ago, if I was in a group and the conversation strayed to an unfamiliar topic, I’d keep silent. Dad urged me to say, “I don’t understand. Can you explain what you’re talking about?” Asking questions makes you sound smart, he said, and confident to boot. At a recent gathering, somebody mentioned the Mauritius Continental Shelf. Silence. Then I asked, “What’s that?” And all the former Ivy Leaguers around me exhaled and admitted they didn’t know what the hell it was, either.


View the entire article at
http://www.realsimple.com/magazine-more/inside-magazine/life-lessons/things-my-father-was-right-about-00000000035158/index.html

a pearl of choice

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From Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs:

Think of a speck of sand. If the sand gets in the human eye, it causes irritation, then infection, and if not cared for, eventually loss of vision. But put that same speck of sand in an oyster. It causes irritation, then secretion, and eventually the oyster forms a pearl. Was the sand the primary cause of the results in the eye? Was the sand the primary cause of the results in the oyster? No. If it were, the results would be the same. The sand was an agent that revealed the inner properties of the eye and of the oyster. In a real sense, when life with your spouse causes irritation, you can let it develop into an infection or you can allow it to become a pearl...

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you. You can experience disappointment, but it is your choice to disrespect or be unloving...

I CAN EXPERIENCE HURT, but it is my choice to hate.

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And from Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas:

If we view the marriage relationship as an opportunity to excel in love, it doesn't matter how difficult the person is who we are called to love; it doesn't matter even whether than love is ever returned. We can still excel at love. We can still say, "like it or not, I'm going to love you like nobody ever has."

the respect test

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From Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs:

I asked a group of wives to spend a bit of time thinking of some things they respected about their husbands. It took some of them quite awhile, but they all finally did it. Then I told them to go home, wait until their husbands weren't busy or distracted, and say: "I was thinking about you today and several things about you that I respect, and I just want you to know that I respect you."

After saying this, they were to not wait for any response- just mention something they needed to do and quietly start to leave the room. Then they were to see what would happen. One woman reported back to me that after telling her husband she respected him, she turned to leave but she never even made it to the door. He practically screamed, "Wait! Come back. What things?"

Fortunately (and this is very important), she was ready to tell him what she respected about him and she proceeded to do so. After she was finished, he said, "Wow! Hey, can I take the family out to dinner?"

The wife was aghast. Her husband had seldom if ever taken the family out to dinner. What was going on here? I explained to her that a man's first and fundamental impulse is to serve, especially in response to being honored. She had honored him, and he wanted to do something about it. The wife had to ask for a rain check because the kids had committments that evening, and he agreed. About fifteen minutes later, however, she heard pots and pans banging in the kitchen. She went to look and found her husband fixing dinner. Her husband had never fixed dinner. Never - this was a first! Again, he was serving.

A few days later, this wife wrote to us again and said."You won't believe it. He's in the laundry room! Do you have any other 'respect tests'? I think I might get a cruise out of this."

Could a wife use the Respect Test to manipulate her husband to take her on a cruise? That's possible, but this wife was not guilty of manipulation. She sincerely tried expressing respect for her husband, and it worked far beyond her expectations. To repeat what I said earlier, a husband who has basic goodwill will serve his wife when she respects him for who he is.


"As women, we have the power to build up or tear down our husbands every day, merely by the respect we give and the amount of faith we let him know we have in him. Respect and admiration are two of the most powerful tools a woman has to influence her husband." - http://devotions.proverbs31.org/2010/02/love-respect-and-admiration.html

=)

lights out

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Great analogy from Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs:

Think of this difference as two types of electrical circuits. On one circuit there are three thousand lights, and the circuit is so designed that if one light gets smashed the whole string goes out. On the other circuit there are three thousand lights, and it is designed so that if you smash two thousand of these lights, the other thousand will still work.

At the level of intimacy, the wife is like the first circuit. If a serious marital conflict exists, this affects her whole being. All of her "lights" go out, and she shuts down totally. This is because she is an integrated personality. Her mind, body, and soul are connected and her entire system reacts to feelings of hurt. Let her husband make one small, unkind remark that feels unloving to her and she is totally upset with him until things are repaired... When she believes there is a problem, when she feels hurt, lonely, or neglected, she definitely has no interest in responding to you sexually. When her spirit is crushed, her body is unavailable.

The wife may complain that her husband seems to be able to operate as if there is no problem between them when she clearly is still upset and feeling crushed. He goes to work, and when he returns home, he cannot believe she is fully charged to talk about and earlier tension. Usually he has to be reminded of what exactly happened because he has forgotten. For her, the whole day has been interwoven with the spat that they had at breakfast. She has replayed and rehearsed the episode a dozen times... Why is he not upset the way she is upset? Remember the two electrical circuits? Her husband is the one where you can smash two thousand of his lights and the other thousand will still work. That is what is meant by "compartmentalizing" his problems.


There's clearly some generalizations here, but I know that first circuit is one I've definitely operated under. Many girls and guys replay their significant other's words and actions over and over when they were first dating, it's just that a lot more positive things tend to be purposely said and done during those rose-colored days. Finding ways to constructively address the less rosy bits is the tough part.


Remember too, that wives love to talk to release their emotions. Because a woman is an integrated personality, she is like a teakettle - she collects all the things that have happened to her over the day, and there is a buildup. She needs to release some of those feelings... Women also need to talk to realize their feelings. As they begin to talk about what happened through the day, they can work back to the problem that they can't seem to put their finger on. As she talks to you, it clarifies things for her; then she feels better and she feels understood.

inspiration

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As seen on Facebook:

just when you think its a typical freezing monday morning, someone wonderful shows up at the door, with breakfast, and makes your coffee, and brushes off your car, and starts it....lets out your puppy.... and totally makes your monday morning wonderful... :)


Just thought I'd share some inspiration for anyone looking to make their significant other's day =)