lights out

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Great analogy from Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs:

Think of this difference as two types of electrical circuits. On one circuit there are three thousand lights, and the circuit is so designed that if one light gets smashed the whole string goes out. On the other circuit there are three thousand lights, and it is designed so that if you smash two thousand of these lights, the other thousand will still work.

At the level of intimacy, the wife is like the first circuit. If a serious marital conflict exists, this affects her whole being. All of her "lights" go out, and she shuts down totally. This is because she is an integrated personality. Her mind, body, and soul are connected and her entire system reacts to feelings of hurt. Let her husband make one small, unkind remark that feels unloving to her and she is totally upset with him until things are repaired... When she believes there is a problem, when she feels hurt, lonely, or neglected, she definitely has no interest in responding to you sexually. When her spirit is crushed, her body is unavailable.

The wife may complain that her husband seems to be able to operate as if there is no problem between them when she clearly is still upset and feeling crushed. He goes to work, and when he returns home, he cannot believe she is fully charged to talk about and earlier tension. Usually he has to be reminded of what exactly happened because he has forgotten. For her, the whole day has been interwoven with the spat that they had at breakfast. She has replayed and rehearsed the episode a dozen times... Why is he not upset the way she is upset? Remember the two electrical circuits? Her husband is the one where you can smash two thousand of his lights and the other thousand will still work. That is what is meant by "compartmentalizing" his problems.


There's clearly some generalizations here, but I know that first circuit is one I've definitely operated under. Many girls and guys replay their significant other's words and actions over and over when they were first dating, it's just that a lot more positive things tend to be purposely said and done during those rose-colored days. Finding ways to constructively address the less rosy bits is the tough part.


Remember too, that wives love to talk to release their emotions. Because a woman is an integrated personality, she is like a teakettle - she collects all the things that have happened to her over the day, and there is a buildup. She needs to release some of those feelings... Women also need to talk to realize their feelings. As they begin to talk about what happened through the day, they can work back to the problem that they can't seem to put their finger on. As she talks to you, it clarifies things for her; then she feels better and she feels understood.