the love list

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"Maybe I'm not the right man for you," he said, half making a statement, half asking a question.

"Maybe you're not!" I crossed my arms, feeling defiant, but in the next second I regretted the whole ridiculous discussion. What were we talking about? I thought I had met the man of my dreams, and we were about to throw the whole thing out the window over an absurd argument. Closing my eyes, I suddenly saw a mental picture of "the list." It had been in the back of my closet for five years. What would Aubrey think of the list?

"I have an idea," I said. I left the kitchen, and several minutes later I came back with the list in my hand. I held the small sheaf of papers out to him. "Read this, and you decide if you are the right man for me." I turned on my heel and marched down the hallway to my room, as if following stage directions.

.........

"I want to know if—" I began, but I couldn't finish the sentence. Finally, I blurted out: "I want to know if I am supposed to have a true and lasting love in my life. It's okay if I'm not. It's really okay. I have so much in my life. My family. My friends. My artists. My galleries. I just want to know. I want to stop worrying about it—thinking about it all the time."

"Here is what you must do. You must go home and write down 100 qualities you would like this person with whom you will share your life to have."

I felt almost giddy. "A hundred? Wouldn't I be lucky if I got 10?"

"Oh no, my dear," she said. "You must describe the person down to the color of the socks!"

I wanted to laugh. Color of the socks?

"You will make your list, and then you will put the list away for safekeeping. What you are doing is making clear for yourself exactly the person who will be right for you, and then you will be directing the request into the universe to send that person to you. Do you understand?"

I nodded. But I didn't understand at all. The idea that somewhere in the universe was a person just right for me—someone who would respond to all the things that were important to me and with whom I could share my life—seemed impossible. Yet in spite of the painful experiences of the past, I had always lived my life as if all things were possible. Why wouldn't I try making the list?

At home I climbed into my four-poster bed with a yellow legal pad. I was amazed by how easy it was to write the list. I began with the definitive idea that he must be "at peace with himself." Then I listed everything, from good family relationships to intelligence and a sense of humor, to sex, religion, money, music, books, gardening, sailing, dancing, fishing, and on and on—down to dark gray socks.

Satisfied that I had done my part, I put the list in the back of my closet.

After about 15 minutes of waiting for Aubrey's answer, he walked into my room with the list in his hand. He had tears in his soft blue eyes. We looked at each other for several seconds before he spoke.

"I missed two," he said, holding up the list. Then, smiling, he added, "There are many things you have on this list that are true about me that you could not possibly know."

I wanted to laugh out loud. Instead I jumped up and threw my arms around him. I felt jubilant. Whatever doubts I harbored that he might have missed many more than two, I knew that the point was that he thought he missed only two. I had given my list to the universe and the universe had sent me Aubrey.

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Read the full article here - http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200802_gorman

I heard about this love list a year or so ago, and while I didn't actually believe it would come true, I thought it was a really fun idea. What's important is being strong and holding out for the characteristics that will still be important and meaningful to you after 20 or 30 years of marriage, and not settling because you're too old or too invested or too worried about not being able to find anyone better, or just anyone else.

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/slideshow1_ss_ss_20080206/5

"While Martha's article about Alice touched many readers, Erin says it nearly knocked her out of her chair. "In December 2006, I made a detailed list of what I wanted in a life partner. I included everything from hairstyle and hobbies to spirituality, health and raising children," she says. "Less than two months later, I met my wonderful now-boyfriend of one year. He is absolutely everything above and beyond what I had listed."

Heather says she made her own love list in 2002 and put it away in a drawer. "Later that year, I met my future husband, Greg. In 2006, he proposed, and a few months later I came across my list," she says. "And there were the qualities of my husband. Every time I read my list, I smile knowing I ordered my husband from the universe."

Melissa's love list dates back all the way to 2000. "Did I get what I wanted right away? Uh, no," she says. "But I kept learning, not settling, and growing as a person." Melissa—pictured above on her wedding day—recently found the list buried among old receipts. "I realized that Will, my husband, was all of the things I had asked for. Do I believe in the power of a list? A little. But I also believe in the power of me, and I worked hard to find healthy love," she says. "That's living my best life."