friends

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The book Husbands and Wives by Melvyn Kinder and Connell Cowan starts off "exploding" 15 common myths about marriage, with numero uno being the pervasive belief that matrimony is the key to making one feel complete and whole. The problems with this mindset are explored a little further in Chapter 8 as well, titled "When Husbands and Wives Become Friends":

"Generosity promotes friendship; excessive and unrealistic expectations deplete it. We often approach our mate with such strong security needs that the net impact is more often one of demanding rather than giving and caring. We expect friends to enjoy us, not complete us, and we don't expect to be at the center of their lives. Friendships grow out of freedom, not guilt."

This statement made me pause, having known friendships of the very same kind. These types of friends expect others to be what a husband or significant other would - their main source of companionship and security, a sort of second half who mirror all of their own convictions and personality/character traits. But reading that statement yesterday reminded me that really I don't, and hopefully never would, expect a partner to be all those things either.

"We like our friends for who they are, not for what we would like them to be. Just because we are married doesn't mean we have the license to mold our mate to our liking. Naturally, because friends are not living under the same roof day after day, it is much easier to be tolerant. Nevertheless, such acceptance is still a prerequisite for friendship."

A great reminder, although as a single woman I do try to keep in mind that this advice is for married couples, not dating couples. The point of dating is to make sure there are NOT major areas your significant other would need to change in order for the relationship to work. We should all know better than to think marriage the time to start on all the spousal overhauls we discovered were needed before tying the knot.

Marriage aside, utter sillyness may commence when a girl tries to go down the "just friends" road with a more than likeable guy. After some meandering contemplation, I feel it would be something akin to, say... giving a kid a top of the line, custom-built bicycle, under the condition that he must walk it, not ride it. The analogy isn't a perfect one, but imagine the inevitable pouting, confusion and frustration that would ensue as he takes the slow, humbling journey around the neighborhood; as all his friends wonder if something's wrong with him or the bike, as he worries someone else might jump on and run off with it, as he weighs the possibilities that the bike will be a bad fit, maybe the handling too stiff after all this time looking forward to finally racing it. But... in this trial of patience he will learn the bicycle's every curve, stripe, seam and link, evaluating them for strength and beauty and spotting any weaknesses that might trouble the adventures ahead. And surely he will appreciate all the more the long-awaited moment where his hands wrap around both bars, his foot swings over the side, and he settles back into the embrace of the seat...

But then, shouldn't he be content without a bike? Or maybe one less perfect? Aren't there enough sources of fulfillment and pleasure in this world to content him instead? Perhaps...

In debunking marriage myth #1, Husbands and Wives explains that as social beings, we all have a hunger for love and human contact - and marriage may go a long way toward satisfying that hunger. However if we feel insecure or depressed, we may automatically look to our spouse as the antidote to those negative feelings. Either we want our mate to solve the problem, or we secretly blame him or her for somehow not being loving enough, rich enough, sexual enough, not "something" enough.

So many have struggled with this myth at some point, in various forms. It's difficult when, especially from the vantage point of youthful love and romance, having someone to love and be loved by is a state of happiness that can make the benefits of singlehood pale in comparison. As one friend aptly stated, "Life is really an awesome adventure. But I believe it can be better if it's experienced together."

The challenge of finding that kind of friendship with a significant other, whether you're single or married is a daunting one. But no matter what I guess I'd rather risk disappointment, work harder and trust more, in the hope of an amazing ride down the road =)