happily ever after

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some thoughts from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry

It is also no accident that some couples are radiant, positive, and happy, while other couples are beaten down, defeated, and anxiety-ridden. Researchers who have searched for the difference between the two groups have come up with all kinds of explanations for marital success (long courtships, similar backgrounds, supportive families, good communication, well educated, and so on). But the bottom line is that happy couples decide to be happy. In spite of the troubles life deals them, they make happiness a habit.

Happiness has nothing to do with luck and everything to do with will.

During out first years of marriage, Leslie and I attended graduate school and lived in a small apartment complex with several other student couples. A few doors down from us lived Bob and Jessica, who had also recently moved to Los Angeles. We had a lot in common, except for one thing—they seemed to get all the breaks... To top it all off, Bob and Jessica drove a brand new, bright red sports car given to them by their wealthy parents.

I became unhappy every time I looked at their new car. It really began to depress me. I remember saying to myself, Why do other people get all the breaks? Why do other people have it so easy? To add insult to injury, I found myself becoming increasingly negative toward Leslie. Little things she did began to annoy me, or more accurately, I began to allow little things she did to annoy me. My self-pity was creating a negative mind-set that began to color even my marriage.

A truth hit me in the most unlikely of places: a statistics course... Dr. Wallis added: "Unlike computers, however, humans develop a habit of programming their minds to be either mostly negative or mostly positive." That's when it dawned on me: I was making myself and our marriage miserable, sitting around waiting for opportunity to come knocking and complaining because it wasn't. Without even knowing it, I had developed a bad habit of stamping my circumstances as "negative." Instead of making the best of our conditions, I was wallowing in self-pity and allowing them to make the best of me. From then on I determined to be happy no matter what. Not that I am always optimistic and on top of the world, but I know refuse to let my circumstances determine my mood—or my marriage.

Most negative people feel they could be positive if they had a different job, lived in a better place, or married a different person. But happiness does not hinge on better circumstances. Our circumstances change with the weather, but our attitudes stay the same. The negative person defends his attitudes with the rationale of being realistic, while the positive person looks beyond the current state of affairs and sees people and situations in terms of possibilities.

But how to we cultivate positive attitudes when our spouses do something we dislike? The answer lies in taking responsibility for our own feelings.

I remember coming home one day flushed with excitement and eager to discuss some good news with Les. I wanted him to share my excitement, but for whatever reason, he didn't. "You upset me," I later told him. But the truth is, he didn't upset me. I upset myself. Before exploring why Les didn't join in my celebration, I jumped to a negative conclusion. Meanwhile, Les, who was feeling somewhat dejected that day because of a setback at work, was thinking, She doesn't really care about me. She is only interested in herself.

Since that time both of use have tried to adopt a "no fault, no blame" attitude. The idea is to suspend our negative evaluations about each other and remember that no one can make another person unhappy. Everyone is responsible for his or her own attitude.

Research reveals that the level of a couple's joy is determined by each partner's ability to adjust to things beyond his or her control. If you are to cultivate the habit of happiness with your partner, you will need to avoid the poisons of self-pity, blame, and resentment.

No one can ever be an effective marriage partner with the added burden of self-pity to cope with.

Ever since Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent, couples have employed the trick of finding excuses and shifting responsibility. Every symptomatic problem in marriage (apathy, irritation, boredom, anger, depression, etc.) can be traced to a breakdown in personal responsibility. If you are angry, it is not your husband's fault, but your own choice. If you are depressed, it is not because your wife is failing you, but because you have chosen to be depressed. The habit of blaming your spouse is completely contrary to the principle of taking responsibility for your own attitude.

No one is exempt from being treated unfairly. We can all justify the anger we feel about how a situation or someone unfairly complicated our existence. "I have a feeling that it is easier to blame your father and keep your resentment alive than it is to forgive him. If you forgive him, then the consequences for your actions would shift from him to you, and that's scary."

The habit of happiness is an inside job.