olive branch

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"I thought I was just tired," says the guy newly in touch with his feelings, "but I'm really sad, lonely, ambivalent, distant, mournful, neglected, burdened, unappreciated, mistreated, taken advantage of, etc. I have a lot of needs that are not getting met in this relationship!"

Of course his partner would respond with exasperation.

"But you wanted him to express his feelings," we would say.

"Not those feelings!" she'd exclaim in disgust. "I want to hear how much he loves me and how important I am to him and how empty and sad his life would be without me."

Here is a tough question that women need to ask themselves: Do you really want to know about his feelings or do you merely want him to validate yours and comply with your idea of connection?

Again we remind women, be careful what you ask for, because if you refuse the connection when he extends the olive branch, you will make it difficult - if not impossible - for him to give you what you're asking for. If you expect a man to be forthcoming with his feelings, you must cease all the distraction, impatience, criticism, and other forms of stomping on his heart that taught him in the past that it is not safe to go there.


Just some more words of wisdom from How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.

I found this helpful as well:

Every time you violate your core values - even if you're just reacting to your partner - you feel guilty. If you take a deep breath and try to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect, you will find yourself back to what is most important to you. You will no longer want to attack, devalue, or defend.

The capacity to stay true to your deepest values - and thereby transform most of your fear and shame - lies entirely within you. And in the end, you will judge yourself by your own efforts and behavior, not by your partner's. On your deathbed, you won't regret what he/she did or didn't do; you'll think about your fidelity to the most important things around you. When you are upset, angry, or resentful, try to focus less on what your partner is doing and ask yourself... Am I acting like the person I most want to be? Am I being the partner I want to be?
Remaining true to your core values, regardless of what your partner does, is the necessary first step in relationship improvement.