resolving conflict

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guidelines for resolving conflict (www.marriagemissions.com marriage message 48)

DISCUSS THE CONFLICT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. The old proverb, 'time heals all wounds' does not apply to conflicts in marriage. But the modern-day saying, 'timing is everything' does. When an irritating issue is unresolved, it builds emotional distance between you and your spouse. And just like a splinter, the issue gets under your skin and continues to fester until it is dealt with. When your spouse's behavior bothers you, make a decision to confront your mate as soon as possible. If the issue needs your undivided attention, choose a time when no one else is around -- even if you have to ask for a few minutes alone together." (Simon Presland, "How to Fight Fair")

TAKE IT PRIVATE AND KEEP IT PRIVATE. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally -- all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately." (Dr Phil McGraw, "How to Fight Fair")

AVOID PERSONAL INSULTS OR CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. 'Attacking your mate's character is the best way to make an enemy for life', says Pastor Luke. 'To avoid this, it is important to see the issue as the problem --not your spouse. This is how God deals with us. He tells us of his infinite acceptance, yet confronts us on issues that do not line up with his word.' Stay focused on the issue at hand. This will help you remain objective and express your thoughts clearly without alienating your spouse through personal attacks." (Simon Presland, "How to Fight Fair")

"Remind the people... to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men" (Titus 3:2). "If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other" (Galatians 5:15).

SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO TAKE A "TIME OUT." "Agree ahead of time to allow for a temporary 'time out' if either of you becomes too angry to continue." (Mart DeHaan, from article "Rules for Fair Fighting") "Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city" (Proverbs 16:32). "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control" (Proverbs 29:11).

KEEP IT RELEVANT. Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument." (Dr Phil McGraw) "In many marriages, confronting an issue is the gunpowder that ignites World War 3. Defenses kick in. Accusations fly. And by the time the smoke has cleared, spouses have bombed each other with everything that has happened since the day they were married. "When you decide to face an issue, don't allow yourself -- or your mate -- to drag in past hurts. Deal with one issue at a time. Make a rule between yourselves that if neither is willing to discuss a sore point as soon as it happens, then the issue cannot be used as ammunition for future fights." (Simon Presland, from article "How to Fight Fair")

BUILD RELATIONSHIP BRIDGES, NOT WALLS. "The goal of any disagreement should be to understand each other's feelings and strive toward an amiable compromise. With that goal in mind, let's consider ... Below-the-belt Tactics to Avoid: 1. Dragging others into the argument ('Well, my mom says...'); 2. Giving the silent treatment; 3. Yelling or crying to get your way; 4. Spewing destructive criticism ('You suck the joy out of everything!'; 5. Using sarcasm; 6. Issuing threats and ultimatums; 7. Getting defensive; 8. Using buzz words (always, never, hate, divorce); 9. Expecting him [or her] to read your mind." (Shannon Ethridge, "Fighting Fair")

CONFRONT TO HEAL, NOT TO WIN. Some people view conflict and confrontation as a win-lose situation. These spouses see being right as far more important than the marital relationship. But working out a hurtful issue is not about who's right and who's wrong. Your goal should be not to win, but to confront a conflict and restore the harmony in your relationship. Whenever possible, the solution to a problem should benefit both parties. When both spouses feel good about a resolution, it will reestablish the emotional bond between the two of you. Confronting to heal instead of to win will keep your marriage on healthy ground." (Simon Presland, "How to Fight Fair")