his needs

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The tip of the day from the-generous-wife.com covered a topic I had actually been considering earlier this week. I was trying to guess at some of the not-so-obvious needs a future husband might have, in response to an exhortation from one of my recent reads - that we should assume our spouses think and feel differently than we do, instead of assuming they are on the same wavelength, and would understand or be affected by things the same way we are. I think a lot of potential hurt and frustration can be avoided by making this our first assumption before talking to your spouse. I really loved Lori's story -

"I had some dental work done today. It wasn't really that serious, but for some reason it really unnerved me, so I asked my husband to go and sit with me during the appointment. He didn't act impatient. He didn't make fun of me or treat me like I was being silly. He just loved me and took my need at face value. I felt truly blessed (and the ladies at the office thought he was funny and sweet, he has a lovely sense of humor and told them he was there to keep me from biting folks, I kid you not).
So as a tip idea ... take a similar attitude toward your husband. Not the biting part, ;-) the part about respecting your spouse and treating them and their needs with kindness and understanding. A need is a need is a need. Judging the value of your spouse's need is judging your spouse in a way. How kind it is to value them by valuing their needs (however silly the need may seem to you at the moment)."

I like how she said "He just loved me and took my need at face value." So often we think of love as a feeling to be measured at any one point in time, but Lori used the verb form here - he LOVED her (i.e. showed her love) by how he acted.

His response is pretty stunning actually, I don't know how many husbands would (or could) take the time to hold their wife's hand in the dentist chair, especially without trying to convince her she shouldn't worry about something so 'silly.' In my eyes he made an invaluable deposit by spending that hour with her, she's going to remember and appreciate that act for a long time. At least I will! =)

Lori ends her tips with a quote - today's was: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato

I think it was the book Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives, that really made me consider how couples can isolate each other, and end up viewing each other as opponents in the various issues that come up, instead of a team fighting against an environment that is ready and willing to tear them apart. There are so many factors that will push you towards isolation from each other, which makes the concept of "we" so important I think. Instead of saying "he's never here, he doesn't care to understand me, he probably looks at every other woman who walks by" maybe thinking about how you two are on the same side against these issues would help:

WE are fighting against a job or circumstances that takes him away for days or months at a time. WE are fighting against the inherent differences between how men and women show love, WE are fighting against all the women who would naturally think he's hot stuff and don't care if he's married.

Step onto his side of the line, and consider the 'we'ness of the concerns you are working with and adjust how you address them with your spouse. Marriages today are under attack more than ever, and you want to do everything possible to make sure you're in the foxhole together! =)